Open letters, volume 1

Permit me, dear readers, to get up on my ranty rant soapbox and let off some steam, in the vein of Perfectly Cursed Life, who does a regular series of Open Letters on Fridays. You can see them all here.

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Dear landlords of New Zealand,

Two words: Wall insulation. That is all.

Yours,

Shivering and potentially asthmatic renter

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Dear people who email me out of the blue,

If you want to have any chance of a reply, then do not pitch me asking if you can pitch me. Just attach your damn outline, your draft, your infographic, whatever. Make things easier for the both of us.

All my love,

Grumpy editor

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Dear people who think it’s a good idea to call me five minutes after sending a pitch,

Just … no.

Danke,

Grumpier editor

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Dear criminals,

Get a job, and a life.

kthxbai,

A productive member of society

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Dear neighbour,

Please stop with your nagging us about not leaving enough room on the driveway for your car to get past. T is a large person and needs space to exit the driver’s side on the right, and space enough between the car and garage to open it up to get to his motorbike (and when he spends time in the mancave with friends). You’re just going to have to live with driving ever so slightly over the grassy verge between our driveway and the next, and you cannot tell me that that alone is ruining your tyres and alignment.

Passively-aggressively yours,

Girl in the front house

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Dear deadbeat parents,

Don’t have kids if you can’t afford them, and don’t have kids if you can’t look after them. Simple really.

Frustratedly yours,

Fed up

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Dear self,

You probably should ease off on the bad parent hate when you, who have money enough to save, could help these kids out (and yeah, you know the ones I’m referring to), but aren’t unselfish enough to do so, because you know opening up the door to financial help will only unleash a dam.

Sincerely,

Your conscience

8 thoughts on “Open letters, volume 1

  • Reply Kimwithak July 21, 2012 at 02:43

    Not sure if my last comment went through…damn technology!!!

    Love these letters. For some reason the wall insulation one made me giggle.

  • Reply Daisy July 21, 2012 at 03:25

    LOL @ this. I love these, they are so entertaining. Wall insulation is ALWAYS a must.

  • Reply Cassie July 21, 2012 at 08:18

    I seriously have the urge to mail you a sweater right now.

  • Reply Mrs. M July 21, 2012 at 10:41

    As a teacher, it’s really hard to deal with the fact that some parents really don’t give a crap… I’m sure it’s prevalent everywhere but you just want NZ to be better, you know? We ended up paying $50 more for a place that was decently insulated – power bill has definitely come down since though!

  • Reply The Asian Pear July 21, 2012 at 18:23

    Awwh. Grumpy Editor and Grumpier Editor. <3

  • Reply Deidre July 22, 2012 at 14:48

    Wall insulation would be FANTASTIC. And more than that, a fan that worked in the bathroom so that mold wouldn’t grow BUT one also didn’t have a major wind blowing through the bathroom.

  • Reply Revanche July 29, 2012 at 15:04

    Just going to point this out here:

    “but aren’t unselfish enough to do so, because you know opening up the door to financial help will only unleash a dam.”

    Unselfish isn’t the right word there. “Injudicious” or “foolish,” perhaps. Or given my personal experience? I think I get to say it: stupid.

    You and I know very well exactly what happens when you go there so let’s not suggest that it’s you not being a charitable person.

    And the rest of the world is stupid. 😉

  • Reply Open letters, volume 2 | Musings of an Abstract Aucklander September 7, 2012 at 22:16

    […] Perfectly Cursed Life does a regular series of Open Letters on Fridays letting off steam. You can see them all here, or my first installment, here. […]

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