Same old same old money arguments

Ever feel like you’ve having the same arguments in your relationships? Over and over and over again?
fighting about money, same old money arguments
While we can all learn better habits and sometimes refine certain characteristics, at the core I don’t think people really change. I know which of my quirks that get up T’s nose, and I (sort of) try to minimise them. I’ve resigned myself to his, though I still try to ‘improve’ him from time to time.

What is it they say – relationships usually split over religion, sex, or money? For us, it’s the latter that’s most contentious.

This week has not been a good one. It dragged up an old debate that underpins our biggest conflict. Namely, that T is a lot better with money than he used to be, but ultimately he’s a spender, and he’s not into delayed gratification.

Financially, I’m on the losing end of this relationship. I also accept that I always have to be the CFO, and yes, the mean one. It is a struggle, but I’m okay with being the one responsible for maintaining balance.

But every so often, when I put down the stern/depressing word after we/he are slipping, he goes into a funk of the ‘I’m not good enough/I hold you back and it never changes’ variety. Of course – if you keep doing things the same way, you’re going to get the same results.

I know what I’m working with here and I am willing to work around it. But from where I’m standing, I need him to help me out and do his part.

What’s your eternal relationship conflict, if you’re willing to share?

14 thoughts on “Same old same old money arguments

  • Reply Manda February 9, 2013 at 08:29

    Ah, my relationship’s eternal conflict is… well, getting in touch I guess? Perhaps touching base is a better term? I’m not really sure as that doesn’t sound quite right but I suppose that’s how I could put it. It’s much harder for me to get ahold of him than it is for him to reach me. Normally that isn’t as a big deal as it was in our early days but when doing long distance it’s really, really hard. He IS getting better though, and I am also getting better at understanding that he will get back to me – it just takes a little more time than I’d expect sometimes, so I need to adjust my mentality accordingly.

  • Reply Mochimac February 9, 2013 at 08:49

    Mine is communicating without using words. He seems to think I can read his mind and know what he wants, when I CAN’T.

    The other would be holding him back in Williams Sonoma. Boy sure loves his cooking stuff. I’m just freaking out at paying 50% of it.

  • Reply SavvyFinancialLatina February 9, 2013 at 09:58

    At the beginning of our marriage, all our arguments were around money…it was terrible.
    Now, we don’t get as mad when we talk about money, but my husband always seems to think I’m criticizing when all I want to do is talk about our finances.

    I am the CFO in our relationship. Pay all the bills, do taxes, set our savings, choose our investments. It’s a little tiring, but I am a control freak and enjoy looking at numbers, so I guess it’s okay?

  • Reply The Asian Pear February 9, 2013 at 14:44

    Money is actually the number one topic of argument in couples I’ve read.

    I think my BFF put it most eloquently though that all problems/arguments if not resolved or if the root is not fixed then the same arguments always come back

    • Reply eemusings February 10, 2013 at 22:24

      Completely agree. We have a good system for the most part, but every so often the fact that we have such different styles rears its head and we have to regroup a bit.

  • Reply Linda February 9, 2013 at 16:59

    I can’t say my guy and I actually disagree about money because we don’t have a joint budget or expenses. I own the house (well, technically the bank does until I pay off the mortgage) and he pays rent. We have no joint accounts and I can’t see why we would. And that is mainly because we have very different ideas of money management, too. He has consumer debt. I do not. It disturbs me that he doesn’t seem to be making much headway in paying off his debts, either. I’m not sure if this is something worth breaking the relationship up over, though. We don’t plan to marry and there is no common law marriage in my state, so we could live together indefinitely and not have any responsibility for each other’s financial obligations. But I do worry about this and wonder if it is something “fatal” for the relationship.

    • Reply Just One Boomer (Suzanne) February 10, 2013 at 18:16

      So, if I may be really nosy here, what happens if he is ill or some other calamity befalls him and he can’t pay rent? Is he evicted? Your answer to this question might clue you in on whether the relationship is “worth” it.

  • Reply Tahnya Kristina February 10, 2013 at 04:39

    Oh I know where you are coming from. I have been with my boyfriend for 13 years and other than our location our disagreements always seem to stem from money. It’s nothing that we can’t work through, but money affects so many parts of our lives that it’s hard not to let it get in the way sometiems…just sometimes. Great post, I am going to share it on Dinks Finance next week.

    • Reply eemusings February 10, 2013 at 22:23

      Exactly! We have a good thing going for the most part, but occasionally the system fails or he starts to get a bit lax and we need to have a bit of a ‘come to Jesus’ moment.

  • Reply Vicky February 10, 2013 at 09:31

    Money is definitely a sore point between us, especially since he was lying about a bunch of debt a few years ago. Ever since then, I’ve helped him clean it up and he’s on his way to a more secure financial future, but he still loves his toys. Do you guys have a budget? A compromise is that he has an ‘entertainment’ budget that he can spend on what he wants and I won’t yell at him. Much. 😉

    Another argument is sometimes I feel like I have to take care of everything. That I am the parent and he is the child in the relationship. It is probably a function of the relationship as I am the planner and he is more laid back, but this does cause some rife in our relationship as well.

    • Reply eemusings February 10, 2013 at 22:26

      Yes, he has ‘fun’ money for himself – the problem is when he starts to dip into the account as well sometimes!

      I definitely feel like the parent sometimes, being the planner. I am A-OK with this (except on the rare occasion when he just doesn’t want to engage because “I’m leaving it all up to you!” and also, CHORES).

  • Reply cantaloupe February 11, 2013 at 04:35

    Haha, this is amusing to me because the other day my boyfriend told me that if we ever get married, I am definitely in charge of all the money. He has no real debt and never has, so he has no concept of being responsible about money. He just knows how much has has and what his fixed expenditures are each month (which is roughly nothing) and everything else is fair game for the spending. I have a ton of debt and so I have to have some sort of limits on my spending, since technically all of it is owed elsewhere.

    But we don’t actually fight about it since we’re not at the combined finances stage yet. Our issue of recurrence is far more tragic and related to how implausible for him/necessary for me a relocation will eventually be… le sigh.

  • Reply Daisy @ Add Vodka February 11, 2013 at 05:22

    Wow.. what a great question! It’s good to reflect and think about it.. I don’t think I’ve ever really defined it before. We don’t have a spender vs. saver, we’re both savers. I think the issue is WHERE to spend money. I want to spend on travel and he wants to spend on .. well, not much haha.

  • Reply CF March 3, 2013 at 20:19

    We don’t actually argue about money, which is great. Other topics are fair game for arguments 😉

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