Category Archives: Uncategorized

Forgiveness is a funny beast

Snowy plants close up in field

Recent events have brought me closer to and further from various people in my life.

It’s gotten me thinking a lot about forgiveness.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve known the power of words. I can barely recall a time before I could read and write.

It’s strange, the things – actions and words alike – that I never thought I’d forgive. But looking over my shoulder, I realise that somewhere along the way, I did. It wasn’t a conscious choice.

And conversely, there’s the words that have actually stuck with me for decades and that I don’t think I’ll ever let go of. The funny thing is, I don’t think the people in question realise what impact those throwaway comments had. That’s why I’m so careful about what I say (and write).

Then there’s the things we say in emotional moments that are actually quite manipulative or malicious. We are all flawed, but it’s deeply disappointing  to see this in those closest to us.

Words matter.

While actions do speak a million louder than words, for me it’s words that actually stick in my memory, that have lasting impact, and will refer back to when the actions start to fade from memory.

There’s a lot of things I need to start to forgive and let go of, before they eat away at me.

Or failing that, in the words of Emily Yoffe, I must accept them and move on.

Link love (powered by sun and sweat)

I may be the only person in Auckland enjoying this current heat wave. (Yeah, 30 degrees is scorching for us.) This weather was made for:

  • beach trips (except to Mission Bay, since the sand is annoyingly shelly and I spotted a condom in the water last time I was there. WEST IS BEST)
  • homemade punch (sheer deliciousness, and sneaky fruit intake is a bonus)
  • movies (I have greatly enjoyed The Big Short, The Good Dinosaur and The Force Awakens)
  • fun, frothy books (latest: Walking on Trampolines and Out to Lunch)

This week’s links

Everything is fine

Our worst gigs ever

Career off-roading

I’m a disgusting sleeper

Will I ever feel financially secure?

When we’re not on the same page about money

Career conversations we should be having

Money and happiness

Be more successful: stop believing things are permanent

The post I wish I’d read about earning more

When life gives you lemons, buy lipstick

When life gives you lemons, buy lipstick
By: Filter Forge

Have we decided if the ‘lipstick index’ is for real, or not? (That’s the idea that people keep splurging on lipstick in times of recession – little luxuries, yo.)

Well, on a micro level at least, it’s certainly rung true for me of late. I literally never buy makeup except to replace the one lippy I wear. My annual beauty budget is probably under $200, including skincare and haircuts. But some months ago I got a weird fixation with finding this particular shade that I was absolutely convinced I needed in my life. Sort of a dark vampy red, with maybe a bit of a plum/berry twist. Along the lines of Mac Diva, for those who care.

I spent hours online in the name of research, and far too long in stores lurking around counters and fiddling with the testers. Once, a strange man even peered over my shoulder just after I stepped out of a shop – I had probably close to a dozen swatches smeared on the back of my hand and was eyeing them up in the natural light – and hissed ‘they all look the same!’

I wound up buying probably around four (that’s a massive spree for me) and now I actually wear different colours on different days, sometimes. Crazy.

And at the same time, I dug out some stuff that had been sitting around forever (throwbacks to my days of magazine freebies) like amazing pore-blurring primer powder and electric blue eyeliner (turns out to be a nice pop when you have hooded lids, or in my case, one normal and one hooded). For the first time in probably 15 years I started spending downtime at home playing with makeup for no reason other than I wanted to, even watching YouTube tutorials and stalking beauty reddits.

Related, and possibly also a  reaction to the whole forced austerity thing, I’ve almost grown a little bit of a shopping addiction – at least by my normal standards. I haven’t bought much – a dress here, a pair of pants there – but I can definitely now understand how people might get out of hand.

I think this probably stems from a deep-seated need for control. Not having it in other areas of my life, having my sphere of influence drastically reduced, has manifested itself in a new obsession with my appearance.

I’ll never ever be the kind of person who puts on a full face every day. (Or any day. My wedding being the one exception, and that wasn’t by my own hand…). Yet there’s something weirdly calming about being alone in front of a mirror, going through the ritual of making yourself feel a little more beautiful.

Link love (the keeping busy edition)

NZ Muse link love

So much is going on right now, I don’t even know where to start! It’s probably easier just to wait till some things start to fall into place. In the meantime, highlights of my summer break included seeing dolphins randomly at the beach, and wild pigs in the bush. And as of this week, active relaxation seems to be a good addition to the sanity arsenal.

This week’s links

A manifesto for 2016

A year for rebuilding

7 perks money buys you

The perfect life triangle

Giving long terms goals the middle finger

Quote of the week – this hit me like a ton of bricks. “Love was not enough on its own, nor could it conquer all. It was something that could be corroded by numbers in a bank account.”

The 5 things keeping me sane right now

starry-skies-at-night-shot

The name of the game, at least for the foreseeable future, is stress management.

Ever heard of active relaxation? Oh, how I love a good oxymoron, but I think this is exactly what I need to be doing. I will report back.

Other things currently saving my sanity:

Running

I’m so thankful to live in a nice neighbourhood with quiet streets, ringed by a coastal bush track. That first glimpse of the sea whenever I head for the trail gets me right to my happy place.

Music

I’ve been on a playlist making binge lately (Guilty pleasures! Rock ballads!) and I’m not even sorry. My commute is basically measured in songs, as are my runs.

Introspection

I’m devouring advice columns at pace. Cheryl Strayed, Mark Manson, Captain Awkward, Ask Polly. If you know of any more along those lines….

People

After so many months of not being able to face other humans outside of work, half the time now it feels like there’s nothing I need more than social contact. Bless the friends who know that life gets away from us sometimes, and pick up right where we left off, be it text, email, or in person. And amazing coworkers and bosses – seriously.

Blogging

Possibly the best thing I’ve ever done. A chronicle of the highlights, the lowlights, the spending and earning. Blogging taught me to negotiate and made me some true friends.

Outside perspectives are so valuable when you’ve lost all sense of orientation. I know none of you can possibly know everything, and so I take them for what they’re worth, but the insights that even readers I’d never known existed until recently have offered have been amazing. I do not exaggerate when I say that comments and emails have honestly made me cry in a good way.

How is your 2016 shaping up? What’s rocking your socks right now?

Let’s see what happens when I choose myself

A goal without a plan is just a wish - NZ Muse

I can’t recall ever being so excited for a new year.

For so long I’ve been putting others first, to the detriment of my own physical and mental wellbeing.

All it’s served to do is drain my bank account and reserves of patience (and let’s face it, neither were all that flush to begin with).

No more.

Resisting that caretaking urge, to take over things, to handle them, goes against every instinct I have. But it must be done.

It’s easier to achieve when you have focus on a singular mission. This year that’s my own health and happiness.

After all, the only good things that happened last year were the things I made happen. Funny that.

What I learned in 2015

I AM TITANIUM
Other people can be such a disappointment.

Other people can also astound you by stepping up and offering support that you never ever expected.

Sometimes the most logical/sensible/practical thing to do is the hardest to follow through on.

Sometimes our own needs will conflict with the best interests of others.

I am weaker than I thought.

I am stronger than I thought.

The intersection of capability and circumstance (in personal finance)

financial capability nz

A few months ago I accepted a new position that perfectly suits my nerdy, money-loving heart – one with the overarching aim of helping people get ahead financially.

Very early on, I got to attend a particularly enlightening conference (the video below comes from that) and also a community workshop in a lower socio-economic area of Auckland. Let’s just say the challenge is huge. More than ever, I’m coming to understand the complexity of the issue: it’s not just about individual efforts and bootstrapping, it’s about human nature and psychology – and of course, the wider system.

In a country like New Zealand, where the cost of living is pretty astronomical, budgeting can only take you so far. Where housing costs are out of control, home ownership is spiralling out of reach, the rental market is squeezed and the condition of rentals is a public health issue. Where public transport is pretty abysmal, and low-income households often lack access to a vehicle, and therefore, supermarkets and healthy food options. Where certain cultural norms mean that family can either be a boost or a drag, holding individuals back from getting ahead. Where high burglary rates mean frequent setbacks, unless you can afford excellent insurance. Where people being locked out of the property market today is going to have huge ramifications when this generation reaches retirement.

True, some people don’t have huge lofty goals and aren’t particularly interested in ‘getting ahead’. But we can’t get away from the fact that we live in a capitalist society, and you need money to exist in it. Inflation is a fact of life; things are only ever going to get more expensive. We’re already a low-wage economy, and if your income remains stagnant, you’re going to wind up at the wrong end of the inequality gap – a yawning gap that’s only growing. I for one don’t want to wind up being a burden on society. So I was really happy to see a session on upskilling and increasing your earnings as part of that community programme, because spending is only half of the equation. It doesn’t matter how good you are at budgeting, if you don’t have enough money coming in, you’ll never get ahead.

 

Sure, let’s build financial capability so people are better equipped to deal with whatever circumstances life may throw at them. (Pretty much everyone can and should be doing better, to varying degrees.) But it’s about more than that. Health, family, educational, church systems – all contribute to financial wellbeing. IMO so much hinges on those early years; if you start out behind it’s a lot harder to catch up and overcome setbacks. And the worse that things are for you now, the harder it is to think about the future.

(For one of the best posts I’ve read on this topic, head over to Frugalwoods.)

I’ve been fortunate on the health, employment, family fronts. Not everyone has the luxury of that kind of head start. You need to be able to get ahead of yourself in the first place, to get ahead of your paycheck, build up a buffer, get a reliable vehicle, secure your housing situation.

And yet, I came on board at a personally tumultuous time, financially speaking. By the CFSI’s reckoning, I was probably a bit closer to Financially Tenuous rather than my usual Financially Striving. It was so, so hard to come into work every day, think about personal finance, listen to coworkers’ tales of buying houses, all while shit was falling apart in my own life. Despite that, I’m so happy to be doing what I’m doing. I feel like it’s the perfect time to join the fray – financial capability is on the political agenda, recent legislative changes have improved consumer protection around credit and disclosure, and we’ve only just begun.

Making your travel money go further

You all know travel is my big splurge. For me it’s about value, not penny pinching – getting the most for my money and enjoying the experiences I choose. There are zero trips in my planned future but I’m hoping for lots of summer chilling close to home – Auckland is full of great beach and bush spots that cost nothing except petrol to get there!

Flight Centre has come up with a list of things that £10 can get you around the world (incidentally, their Auckland pick is something I haven’t done!) and it’s interesting to see how others compare.

For £10 (or NZ$20) I’d march you over to a bakery for a pie and then take you out for ice cream. Just sayin’.