Getting back up

Like a lot of other bloggers, I’ve been feeling really discouraged lately. It seems like BF will never be debt free at this rate, not while he’s not working and can’t put anything towards paying down the car/Visa.

There’s no wiggle room in the budget at all, which is so disheartening. I mean, we need to buy:

BF a coat/jacket (he has one jumper. ONE).
TV aerial (we’ve been using a coathanger)
Steering wheel cover (ours is really slippery)

These are all such small things, which makes it all the more frustrating when we can’t even afford them.

Things like wanting to go out for a burger becomes a HUGE deal, with either me resenting him for asking, or him feeling bad for nagging.

(And I paid almost $700 of bills this week (water and power) from savings, because neither of our flatmates came up with a cent on time.I can’t wait to be out of here. Almost anything has to be better than this. I actually really dislike being at home.)

Fridays and Saturdays are sometimes the hardest – a lot of the time we just hang out at home, but every so often you need to get out. Finding something inexpensive to do at nights  can be really hard. If money was no object, I’d probably go out to eat at different places a lot, and I’d like to go to the theatre and musicals and gigs.

I’m also finding it hard just to BE social and to want to go out. It’s been a tough year so far, and it’s not going to get easier anytime soon. I’ve always thought of myself as a strong person, but I don’t feel that way anymore. The first few months were okay…we just soldiered on as best as we could, but now it’s really getting on top of me. Most of the time I’m feeling pretty fragile, and on the edge. A couple of weeks ago I was at a friend’s house for drinks, and just didn’t have it in me to be bright and sparkly and sociable. And a well-meant comment sent me stumbling out to the deck in tears, while everyone kept drinking and being merry inside while I just cried for a while, feeling utterly alone. And I ditched end-of-exam drinks early today – just wasn’t in the mood

Ugh. I’m not feeling it, and I can’t fake it.

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