Hope is a cruel thing.
I understand that sometimes it’s needed in order to survive. When there’s nothing else at all to pull you through.
But I’m not a fan of it at all.
I like sure things. Certainty. Probably because there’s been a distinct drought of that good stuff lately.
Every time I’ve allowed myself to dare to hope, those hopes are swiftly dashed.
“How do you people live like this? Day after day, just hoping people are gonna do what you want.”
I love this quote (by Kilgrave) from Jessica Jones. It’s stuck with me ever since.
Not so long ago, I used to be a dreamer. Now I’m the coldest, hardest, steeliest bitch. Got no time nor use for imaginings, only what is.
“The rest of us are just walking around, trying not to be disappointed with the way that our lives turned out.”
This melancholy line from Skeleton Twins (highly recommended, a solid movie with standout performances from usually comic actors) had me literally frozen in place, holding my breath as it washed over me. That is not what I want for myself. That’s what I’ve been doing for the past couple of years, and that is far, far too long.
One cannot subsist on hope alone. But finally, I’m on the very cusp of achieving something I’ve dreamed about for so long. It’s hard to believe, and it feels so surreal.
Hope is the impetus to change. If you’re using hope as an excuse to not make the hard choices you have to make, then you can’t blame anyone but yourself. Hope shows you what your life can be, but you have to have the courage to make the changes to get there. That’s how hope has always operated for me. I understood that hope is not “magical thinking”, but a call to change and the only one who can make those changes are me, myself and I. Those changes have not come without pain, but it’s been worth it to get to the place that hope showed me at the beginning of the journey.
The hardest is when the outcome you hope for is in someone else’s hands. That is where I am the most discouraged and frustrated with hope. Does X think I’m good enough? Will he change, as he promises?
All my everything is crossed for a good outcome for you and your dream!
Precisely, precisely. NAIL ON THE HEAD. All of those dashed hopes of mine have involved someone else .. and tbh when that someone else winds up being the root of all problems you know you gotta do something about that.
It is all good, I can’t quite believe it still! More to come on this!
I loved Skeleton Twins! I know all about having to hope things get better and realizing you’re ultimately powerless.
I disagree. While life may seem dark, and I have a pretty good guess why, I think you hold the answers in your own heart and it does not rely, not one single bit, on someone else.