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“Why did nobody tell me?”
That was the reaction from a friend upon learning just what her friends and family thought of her ex after she dumped his cheating ass.
I can only guess that it came down to knowing that voicing such thoughts never really does any good.
Case in point: another friend recently tied the knot with somebody that for all purposes, she doesn’t really know all that well. Everyone thought it a terrible idea, and said so. Didn’t change a thing.
Now that I’ve met him, though – despite all the practical odds stacked against the relationship – I really do think it could work. So do the rest of us, including T (and that’s saying something; he’s just as jaded as me, if not more).
The other two engaged couples we know? Different story. In the first case, they have no business together, child on the way or not – and it’s highly doubtful they’ll actually make it to the altar. T will be the godfather – it’s one of those offers you can’t really turn down, I suppose, no matter how disagreeable the entire situation is.
In the other, he’s gone from long-term relationships with two class acts to someone below his calibre in every single way. We thought it a rebound based on nothing but lust. Alas, it seems we were wrong. (Call us biased. But the dude is a really good guy. He’s a catch, and she knows it – so she’s certainly not going to let go.) But what can you do?
(Slightly off topic – I’m hoping their wedding will be a large one, which I’m guessing it will as they are the gregarious type with well-off families to boot. I don’t want the pressure of comparisons when it comes to our turn, as they will probably get around to getting married before we do.)
It’s bad enough standing by on relationships that are all wrong.
It’s far more worrying when marriage enters the equation.
I find that it’s always a tossup with marriages and relationships in general. The most unlikely unions could last for a long time, and people are perfect for each other sometimes don’t. Besides, nobody really knows what goes on inside a relationship besides those who are in the relationship, so you never know.
I’m pretty cynical when it comes to marriages. It always surprises me when people I think shouldn’t marry do get married. But I guess it’s always a risk, some people (myself included) are just more risk-averse when it comes to getting hitched.
Case in point, a gf of mine is helping her friend plan a wedding. This bride-to-be is having anxiety attacks and is on drugs to cope with it. She plans on keeping her own last name but hasn’t told her fiance. They have also not lived together ever, and he is over 30 and still living with his mom. When I first heard the story, I urged my friend to convince her friend, the bride-to-be, to call off the wedding. To my surprise, this friend, who is married herself, told me that it was totally normal to feel nauseaus and be in need of anti-anxiety medication to cope with an upcoming wedding…I figured that a little stress is normal but that if you really wanted to marry the man, drugs should not be required, but I guess I was wrong?
Something similar happened to me when I went through my divorce with my ex husband. All my friends were like “He wasn’t right for you, we never liked him” ..etc.. Even my dad did an I told you so thing.
Why did these people tell me BEFORE I went through the whole marriage/divorce thing?! Sigh…
Yeah, most people don’t want to hear it.
I thank every star in the sky that the one time it counted most, a friend called off an engagement after we had a short talk and she had a long think. I actually didn’t tell her I was opposed even though I was absolutely totally sure he was an abuser. I just asked her if she was sure this was the man she wanted to have children with and if so, I’d support her.
I have no idea why she heard what I wasn’t saying then when she ignored me all the other times she was in bad relationships but I’m so happy she did.
Most of the time, you just have no real idea as an outsider, what the truth of the relationship is for good or ill and I think that plays a big role in why people don’t listen to advice. I know that we tend to be biased in our portrayals of our partners in the retelling of our relationships in daily life whether we vent about this fight or that argument and we’re cognizant later that people are judging only on what little we say and share in our public faces. And our interactions.
Also I suppose for some people, there’s a desire not to be wrong. I know that has been a factor in many bad relationships where friends won’t get out.
Complicated.