On accepting ambiguity: Black, white and all the yawning grey space in between

Crying in the bathroom then walking out like nothing happenedI made it through more than half a year of shouldering the entire burden of supporting our household, alone, without breaking down at work.

During wedding planning, it was flowers that tipped me over the edge. This time, it was waiting on some much needed money because T sent it to the wrong account number – not once but TWICE. The first money he’s earned in months, and it’s stuck in banking no man’s land. *insert every curse word that exists*

If I’m being totally honest with myself, I feel like I lost most of last year to depression and stress. I feel stuck.

There are always choices, even if they’re unpalatable. I have thought about how to get unstuck – separating at least temporarily, or even running away overseas. I’ve considered the options and decided continuing the status quo is the best one.

But I just want to be able to plan. I want to be able to make progress. I cannot set goals or progress towards them the way things currently stand.

I dislike ambiguity at work, too, but in many ways it’s baked into the nature of the job. I can handle it, I’ve learned to cope – but I hate dealing with ambiguity in my personal life.

So, no goals for me this year. Just stay sane and, to quote Dory, keep on swimming.

11 thoughts on “On accepting ambiguity: Black, white and all the yawning grey space in between

  • Reply Michelle January 2, 2015 at 00:09

    I have been worried about you because of how stressful a situation like this can be for a couple. Have you considered going to a marriage counselor and talking with T about your concerns? I think talking to him…not at him might get him to “hear” what you’re concerned about. I am sending you good vibes and know that “we” are supporting you!!

  • Reply Anon January 2, 2015 at 00:35

    For a number of reasons, I have been channelling Dory since May. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming. I am sorry you are stuck in your situation. I hope 2015 is better for you…

  • Reply Pauline January 2, 2015 at 04:19

    Hope you have a much, much better 2015. One day at a time. It can only get better.

  • Reply The Asian Pear January 2, 2015 at 06:38

    *hugs* I’m sure 2015 will be a much more better year for you.

  • Reply nicoleandmaggie January 2, 2015 at 07:12

    Here’s to a better 2015!

  • Reply Mrs. PoP January 2, 2015 at 07:42

    A lot of similarities between what you describe and my 2010 with Mr PoP marginally employed and even unemployed for a good chunk of that year. Supporting us both was stressful even though we were never really in any monetary hardship. But I broke down mid-year from depression. Counseling helped.
    Wishing you guys the best in 2015.

  • Reply Sense January 2, 2015 at 15:14

    Oh man, you are not alone. There are so many women in your boat. My mom was like this for about a decade, and I saw the toll it took on her health, not to mention marriage. Options to seek help are so limited when the stress is primarily financial…I could see she felt like she was very, very stuck. She got to a very dark place before she sought help. Things are much better financially for them now, but the cracks formed by the helplessness, frustration, sadness, and resentment felt during that time have only gotten wider and deeper.

    I have to echo the comments above for advice: someone neutral to talk to, and being able to express how extreme the situation has gotten for you to T. Some action has to be taken. At this point, ANY extra income would help, right? I mean, retail or something, even? Anything to take the edge off of you just even a little bit. Is that an option for him?

    Definitely take care of yourself and your relationship. Don’t let this go much further in 2015. New slate, yeah? Wishing you both all the best!! 🙂

  • Reply Revanche January 2, 2015 at 19:37

    /headdesk/ at the bank thing. It’s always one small thing that finally tips you right over the edge when you’re this stressed as the sole breadwinner. I know your pain.

    My fingers are crossed for things to right themselves soon. And if you need to escape overseas, you’ve got a berth here.

  • Reply Sally January 3, 2015 at 11:24

    Sent you an email. Man, life is tough but we are tougher. Goals have their place. For now, you do what you gotta do. (empowering fist bump here?)

  • Reply Linda January 3, 2015 at 11:52

    🙁 I know how stressful it can be when your partner is not working, too. I didn’t have the financial pressures you do, but it still had irreversible effects on the relationship.

    I won’t make any suggestions here since you have enough already. Plus, your next steps are something only you can determine after a lot of personal reflection.

  • Reply Stephany January 5, 2015 at 11:16

    I’m sorry to hear how tough things have gotten for you and T. I’m hoping 2015 will be a better year for the two of you. Hugs!

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