Bullshit-free bride: Thinking out loud

bullshit free bride nzmuse When I was younger, I couldn’t imagine ever getting married. I was adamant I was going to be a spinster all my life – a word that didn’t yet have the connotations to me that it does now –  because I couldn’t imagine wanting to spend my life with one person, or (the horror!) kissing somebody in front of my parents.

You know what? I still can’t, but I guess a wedding is a good enough excuse.

My parents first officially met T when they took me out to dinner shortly after graduation. We’d been together over four years, and I was petrified. So was he. But it went as well as either of us could have expected.

(How do you get to be 21, and in a serious long term relationship, and not meet your girlfriend’s parents until then? Here’s one word: Asian. T is everything they’re not. He’s from a different world entirely in pretty much every aspect. Then again, I’m not quite the daughter they hoped for, although I think they’re happy enough with how I turned out. But despite all that, their opinion DOES matter to me, and I wanted them to like him. I was hoping that we could at least all get along, if nothing else.)

I suppose I’m lucky in that I’m with someone who’s not afraid of commitment. In fact, he wanted marriage sooner rather than later. I always found it frustrating that everything written about relationships on the internet features a woman who wants to get married and a reluctant male. Where were the women who weren’t so sure, with partners ready to commit? I had nobody to relate to.

As a chronically indecisive person, an over-thinker, a second-guesser, I’ve asked myself many times about this. We’re still really young. How do I know this is the right time? The right move? What if, what if, what if?

Nothing is guaranteed in life (except death and taxes, yadda yadda). The degree of risk may vary, but ultimately, everything is a gamble. In taking this leap, I don’t know what the future holds for either of us. I think that I am as certain as I could possibly be.

When doubts start clouding over my sky, I remember one crucial point: I could never – no matter how hard I tried – picture a long-term future down the track in my last relationship. This time, I can.

17 thoughts on “Bullshit-free bride: Thinking out loud

  1. The decision to marry is always a difficult one. I remember asking my Dad about love. He told me I will know it when it happens. I met my wife in college and we dated 3+ years before we married. That was 44+ years ago! I don’t think it is a decision you need to rethink, it is right or not.

  2. Mr PoP met my mom briefly at my college graduation when I was 22. We had been together for 2 years. He met my father after we got married. We had been together for nearly 6 years at that point. Altogether he’s met my mom 3 times and my father once in nearly a decade of being together. Nothing asian about it, just pure dysfunctional family relationships.

  3. Awww I love that last line. That’s the thing, the idea of forever scares, but the idea of not being with my BF anymore scares me more. I think that’s when you know that you’re ready for the commitment of marriage.

  4. I’ve been married almost 5 years and yes, not everything comes up roses all the time, but you will have that in any relationship. Like you said and Jessica said, it’s the “imagining a life without that person”, that cements your decision. My husband is truly my best friend.

  5. Yeah! where ARE the women unsure of marriage in modern literature and culture?? I’d still like to hear more from THEM.

  6. I totally am the less-sure-about-marriage one in my relationship. Just last night my boyfriend was gushing about how he wants to marry me. And I was like “…………………………ok, maybe.” But really I was like “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!” When I was young, I made a life-plan that included marriage by the age of 25. And now that I’m 25, shouldn’t I be all for someone wanting to get me towards that marriage goal? But I’m mostly just petrified of the totality of that commitment. Then I remind myself that there’s always divorce and I feel much better, haha.

  7. We’ve been and still are taught we should get married once we reach certain age. But I can’t help but wonder if two people love each other, if they enjoy spending time with each other and for some reason don’t want to get married why would they marry? Marriage is certainly not a guarantee for a happy life. Are we just getting married because that’s what we’ve been told we should do right from when we were 5yo, and because everybody else says we should get married?

  8. I felt exactly the same way. David was the one who wanted to get married, and after we were engaged, he was the one who wanted to push the date up as far as we could. (I wanted to wait until I paid off all of my debt, and even then, I had serious reservations about marriage. I was the girl in the family who said she’d never get married.) But there were no women in my life who had had similar experiences (or at least none who were willing to talk about them), and I can’t recall a movie ever depicting such a scenario (but why would they? let’s keep gender stereotypes alive!).

  9. It’s absolutely petrifying to think of all the possibilities that the future can hold. Sometimes it’s best to ground yourself a little bit in the present and just do what makes you happy. I still haven’t decided if I want to get married – it’ll be something I deal with when it comes up, if it ever comes up!

  10. I felt happy reading this. A woman not so sure and still taking the risk. Just like what they say, you’ll cross the bridge when you get there. But first, you need to cross it even if you have no idea what you’ll find on the other end. The crossing is the most terrifying part but you can also enjoy the feeling. It’s a leap of faith. But still you believe. You believe in love.

  11. Your last line is key. Marriage comes with no guarantees but being able to even envision it because of the person you are with is a huge step forward. I am now happily married (second time) 6 years after I had divorced and I am glad I took that time to figure out myself as a person and what I was ready to give and receive in a relationship. Marriage wasn’t a must for me, but we both decided that we wanted that for us.

  12. I’m similar with you in the fact that I’m asian and I never wanted to get married until I met my hubby. None of my asian friends understood why I didn’t want to get married. They thought I was a crazy hippie or something. My hubby is a commitment guy and if it wasn’t for his emotional stability and commitment, who knows where I’ll be right now?

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