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Browsing category: Uncategorized

  • January 7, 2019

    10 money goals for the new year you can steal

    10 money goals to set for the new year

     

    I don’t know about you but I never feel quite on top of my financial game coming into a new year, after the Christmas holidays followed by summer fun and New Year’s. Doesn’t help that two of our insurance bills come due around this time! Or, this year, that we have a new baby and the (very generous) paid leave from my job is about to end ?

    If you too need to get back into the swing of it for 2021, here are a few things that might help!

    Track your net worth

    Regularly tracking your net worth helps you see if you’re actually making progress overall. It gets addictive once you’re on a roll! Until the market turns, at which point it’s totally legit to take a break and turn a blind eye. (Tip: Sharesight can help with keeping track of your investments – I find it super handy.)

    Shake up your budget

    Budgets aren’t static. Yours is probably a little out of date. A new year is the best time to review and adjust your plan. Making tweaks isn’t a sign of failure, it’s smart! If you’re all sussed, maybe you need to challenge yourself more…

    Pick one thing to cut back on

    Personally I’m not into no-spend days (mainly because almost all of mine fall into that category anyway) but I am a fan of choosing one area to focus my savings on, whether that’s eating out, electricity, petrol, pet stuff, whatever. You could even tackle a different one every month.

    Review your insurance policies

    As in, make sure you know what you’re covered for! What are you actually paying for? Is it sufficient? You might need to increase or decrease your coverage, or you might want to adjust your excess to lower your premiums. Since redoing our kitchen, I desperately need to revisit and update our contents insurance cover.

    Track your expenses

    I used to do this religiously. Then I lost the inclination – and now, I don’t really have the time, either! But it’s still a really valuable thing to do once in awhile, especially if you need to do a bit of a reset. Tracking what you spend for a month can help you figure out your current baseline and set the foundation for a money cleanse.

    Check your credit – and keep an eye on it

    Monitoring your credit is just good hygiene. It’s part of ongoing maintenance. So pull your credit report today, and make a note in your calendar for the next time! It should be a box-checking exercise really, but every so often there’s a little surprise waiting and you need to be on top of those.

    See: What happened when I got my first collections call

    Start an emergency fund

    If you don’t already have a rainy day buffer, make this the year you get one! Even if you can only put away $20 a week, it’s committing to the regular contribution that counts and adds up. Cash is king.

    Step up your debt repayment

    Pay off one debt. Consolidate your debts. Refinance or apply for a balance transfer. Find a way to accelerate your debt journey – it’ll pay off both mentally and financially!

    Do one thing to enhance your money making mojo

    Love your job? There’s always room to keep learning and growing, whether in technical areas or in soft skills, that’ll make you more marketable.

    If you’re due for a review, it’s the perfect time to take stock of your achievements and request a raise. The worst they can say is no.

    Or maybe it’s time to take the next step. Do you know what you’re worth? Or what kind of employer you’re looking for, what salary, what title? The more focused you can be the better your chances of getting there.

    See: How I doubled my pay

    Side hustles are still hot, so could this be the year you dive into freelancing, launching that Etsy shop or starting some other business?

    See: 6 side jobs I’ve done to make extra money

    Open an investment account

    We all gotta invest. Or our savings will shrink year after year and dwindle to nothing. Inflation’s a bitch. If you haven’t bitten the bullet yet, make this the year you take the leap. There are more options in NZ than ever and they all seem to start with S (Superlife, Sharesies, Simplicity, Smartshares…); here’s a good guide for newbies.

  • December 26, 2018

    Month two of parenthood: Learning to trust my gut, and way too many bodily fluids

    via GIPHY

    Things kicked up a notch this month!

    I learned to start trusting my instincts and Spud got both harder and more rewarding to deal with.

    Formula to the rescue

    We started doing more formula top ups, more regularly. I remember one afternoon when he wouldn’t stop crying even after feeding for hours. I decided to try making up a bottle and offered it to him – magic! Most nights we do a last bottle before bed (though it doesn’t always get finished or sometimes is barely touched) and sometimes when he gets hungry later in the day and I seem to have dried up, we’ll top him up.

    The sleep struggle

    Speaking of trying things, another time along with the fussing he was showing early signs of tiredness so I popped him into the pram, fully prepared to rock him for awhile. He went to sleep in minutes though and I felt like a rockstar! Naps now take work, sadly. They don’t just happen automatically anymore…

    We set new nighttime sleep records almost every weekend. I suspect our Thursday osteo appointments may have helped. On his two month anniversary I woke up amazed that he’d slept through – over 7 hours! A feat yet to be repeated, sadly.

    The osteo showed me how to get him to take a dummy by tapping it while in his mouth. But that was a onetime thing; I could never get it to work again after that…

    D-MER no more

    I had sometimes been feeling a weird wave of emotion at the start of each feeding. Like an overwhelming sense of frustration. That went away this month, and I think it was a bout of dysphoric milk ejection. The things you learn when endlessly scrolling FB and Reddit…

    Our escape artist (thank god for structured industrial strength swaddles)

    People say he’s the wriggliest baby ever. I have nothing else to compare him to but I do feel validated…he never stays still! Head butts while holding him upright for burps or fun – just a daily hazard of the job. And muslins weren’t cutting it as swaddles anymore as he’d break free right away. I bought a few straightjacket-like swaddles and they were a godsend.

    Interactivity

    Smiles! Real smiles. So many! And he started to spend more time awake after feeding, making playtime A Thing at last.

    Excretions

    I have poo envy. Seriously. Between this kid’s explosive poops (sounds like a drain emptying ferociously) and T spending forever in the toilet, it seems just silly that I’m more clogged up than I was while pregnant.

    That said, this poop machine dialed it back a bit especially overnight, until most nights he would only have wet (not dirty) diapers. Although he outgrew size one in Huggies he didn’t fit the next size up. Thank goodness for Japanese brands! A subject for another post… While he still isn’t big enough for my OSFM reusables, we have two newborn cloth nappies that are getting some use. But I’m baffled as to how we’re supposed to get a good fit with domes/snaps; Velcro seems like the only way to go. Still can’t quite get them sitting right, as in not too loose or too tight.

    I accepted that spews and spills were just going to be our new normal and that he was going to be a refluxy baby. Stuff coming out both ends while up on the change table? Just another day in our lives…

    Getting out of the house

    I became a baby wearing fan. The first time I had him in the front pack snuggled up to me, it felt so much like being pregnant again. His squirming around was just like the movements he used to make in utero.

    We went out on our first solo walk. It. Felt. Amazing! We ventured down the local cycleway to the pony farm and back. Sadly I can’t wrangle both a pram and a dog, let alone two. Any dog walks are done one at a time and only while I’m babywearing.

    Other bits and bobs

    I came across the Dunstan baby cries theory and at first it was a game changer, then not so much. He basically has only two cries I can discern and hungry/tired are the same.

    We survived our first vaccinations! He was fussier in the following days and came up with a new sad whimpering cry, and also had a bit of diarrhoea, I think. But overall, could have been worse.

    Time truly is flying, and balancing today with tomorrow is still tough as ever…

  • December 2, 2018

    5 baby essentials I didn’t know I needed

    Beyond the core basics (a car seat, a crib, some clothes and nappies) it’s damn near impossible to get a grip on what you need for a baby. Some people swear they couldn’t live without Thing A, B or C, while others find the same item to be a total waste of money. All the more reason IMO to buy secondhand gear – no point shelling out for something new that may never get used!

    We’ve been so ridiculously fortunate to have almost everything gifted or lent to us. From former coworkers to random friends of my mum, we’ve been overwhelmed by generosity.

    Beyond the usual essentials, here are a few things I’ve found invaluable so far…

    5 BABY ESSENTIALS I DIDNT KNOW I NEEDED

    Haakaa pump

    Pumping at the hospital (with their double electric) was uber depressing – and I swore off pumping after that. But my midwife brought me over a manual Haakaa pump and it’s been a lifesaver for expressing extra when needed. It’s annoying to sometimes be overflowing and sometimes running dry, but this helps even that out.

    Mum2Mum swaddles

    I cannot wrap to save my life, and this wriggly worm is impossible to contain anyway. So far two other types of sleep sack haven’t worked, but these Mum2Mum Dream swaddles are doing the trick at the moment to contain his arms. They seem to be the same as the SwaddleMe. We also got given a couple of Miracle Blankets, which are pretty similar and also get a fair bit of use, particularly when it’s hot, as they’re quite lightweight.

    Witch hazel

    I didn’t go as far as freezing padsicles but I did get witch hazel to help with calming matters down there. Particularly when I got a delightful butt rash (FML) the cooling effect of witch hazel was the only comfort I could get.

     

    Baby bath support

    Even if we didn’t have a massive baby bath tub, supporting Spud in the water is a killer. I gave him a quick clean in the sink solo once and that was a mission! We were rushing through bath time because T would get a sore back/arm. The plastic support seat thing that we prop him up with now is still quite awkward but it’s a big improvement. One pro to rescheduling our baby shower to post-birth was being able to request stuff we genuinely knew we needed; this was one of the best gifts!

    Change table

    Again, this is so much better for our poor backs, not to mention streamlining the process! Now there is a place for everything – storage for nappies and cream/sanitiser/flannels etc – and a laundry bag plus rubbish bag. It’s just much more organised and pleasant all round especially now we’re using reusable wipes. Also eliminates the drama of trying to avoid picking up dog hair accidentally off the bed/couch. Our change table, which I got for free on Facebook, actually also has a built-tub, but we don’t use it.

  • November 13, 2018

    Month 1 of parenthood: all the things that surprised me & a few confessions

    via GIPHY

    I barely had time to prep for labour, let alone baby’s first few weeks. And so it’s been a learning curve!

    The first couple of weeks were easy. He slept a lot and only fed for 10 mins at a time, going straight back to snoozing after. Cries were easily soothed by a feed or a nappy change! I managed to get in a bit of freelance work and house cleaning along with the daily dishes and laundry.

    Then he grew bigger, and more alert, and the trouble started. Right around his original due date in fact. We went from 3-4 hour sleeps to maybe 1-2 tops, constant crying, extended feeds and terrible gas! He spits up, burps and farts but none of it seems to come easy, so that’s what we spend ages trying to coax out of his tiny body. Routine has been totally thrown out the window … just as I was thinking I’d like to try to stick to more of a schedule going forward.

    via GIPHY

    The first week at home, with T
    Oh, you’re exhausted? Oh, you’re sick of loading the dishwasher? I’m the one who just gave birth and spent nearly a week in hospital!

    The second week at home, solo
    Oh, this is when you have to start to change their outfits constantly! Oh, this is what it’s like to get peed on, and watch him pee on his own face!

    The third week at home
    Oh, that’s what people mean when they say their baby is noisy at night! The sounds he makes in his sleep now are crazy.

    The fourth week at home
    Oh wow, how much wind is in this child? Each cycle is so much longer now that I have to try and get the gas out of him.

    Things that have surprised me so far

    No period for nine months = awesome. More than making up for that in the weeks post partum = ugh.

    The fact you can collect colostrum off your nips (and then syringe it into baby’s mouth). Not something I ever ever ever could have fathomed doing.

    How long it takes Spud to latch on sometimes. Watching him play with my nips is equal parts hilarious and frustrating.

    The first time I started leaking milk when I heard him cry. WTF.

    The cost of parking. Not that I ever imagined we’d be in hospital so long…

    How long adrenaline keeps you going. The hormones got me through those long nights the first couple of weeks (though during pregnancy I surprised myself with how well I managed on reduced sleep even then).

    So thirsty. All the time. Feeding another human is seriously draining!

    My belly is still pretty huge. And yet I DGAF.

    How many bibs this kid goes through in a day. So spitty.

    Time is flying. We just hit six weeks and took him for his first shots … Christmas ain’t far off and I feel like May (when I go back to work) is going to be here in no time…

    Confessions from the trenches

    I sometimes fall asleep during night feedings – I know, it’s terrible.

    Related: when he won’t settle after a night feed, I used to bring him into bed (I’ve stopped now).

    They say you’ll know… but I honestly couldn’t tell if I was in real labour. My contractions started 5 mins apart and stayed that way for over 12 hours. Up till the morning I was wondering if I should suck it up and go to work. Then I thought okay, I’ll stay home but T should go to work and I’ll call him if anything progresses. (Thankfully he decided to stay put in the end!)

    I was set on equal parenting and splitting duties evenly. The reality, especially to start, was nowhere near. The first couple nights I did all the night wake ups; he wasn’t managing the sleep deprivation well at all despite talking a big game. Not looking after himself while we were in hospital meant he was in worse shape than I was (thanks hormones) on the first night we finally came home.

    With him working and me breastfeeding (along with some expressing and the odd bottle of formula) the scales are still tipped pretty far towards moi. Throw in the fact Spud is feeding so often now (my friend with an even more prem baby finds the same) and for so much longer, and I’m spending literally hours and hours of the day attached to him.

    That said, when I’m at wits end or totally drained – usually at 3am – I’ll hand off once in awhile. And if T’s having an insomniac night, he’ll take the wheel – he’s given me a handful of full or part nights off, which have been glorious. I may have the milk, but he’s got the burping and swaddling magic.

  • November 6, 2018

    Vimba is Bitcoin (and Ethereum) for the masses

    There was a time, earlier this year, when T was having a lot of insomniac nights. My hints about tackling various house projects during those hours didn’t land particularly well, but he did take the idea of investigating the world of Bitcoin.  

    What is Bitcoin?

    As you probably already know, Bitcoin’s a virtual currency.  The key thing that sets it apart is decentralisation (no trusted third party – eg a bank or a credit card company – is needed to confirm the transaction). While Bitcoin can be used to buy things, most people see it as an investment. The hype really peaked last year, along with its value – the price of bitcoin nearly hit $20,000 at one point before taking a big dip.  

    A wallet is an app or programme that allows you to send and receive Bitcoin, track your balance and transactions, and store your cryptocurrency. There are lots of different wallets across various platforms.

    How do I get some?

    Bitcoin mining – racing to solve mathematical problems in exchange for bitcoins – turned out to be a firm no-go. The resources it takes (software, hardware, electricity…) means the ROI just doesn’t add up for the average person. That said, there’s something kinda cool about how mining creates new bitcoins, as well as facilitating the transactions that keep the whole ecosystem functioning.

    What if I just want to invest a little bit into Bitcoin?

    While as with anything else, it would be foolish to see it as a way to get rich quick – for anyone in NZ who is interested in crypto investing, there’s a platform that makes it easy to buy and sell Bitcoin and Ethereum, even on a budget.

    Vimba crypto

    Introducing Vimba

    Vimba launched to the public in 2016 and specialises in helping everyday Kiwis dollar cost average Bitcoin with small frequent payments. The team – who reached out to me some months after our looking into Bitcoin and writing it off – reckon that half of their 5000+ users are brand new to crypto, and are averaging 55% ROI. (Fun fact: while most users are aged 25-34, the oldest people to buy cryptocurrency on the platform are 83, and the youngest is just 8 – purchased by the parents, obviously.)

    How Vimba works

    Regular saving plan: The regular savings option lets you drip feed money into Bitcoin or Ethereum. You set up automatic bank payments of any amount between $20 – $2000 with a weekly, fortnightly or monthly frequency.  

    Instant buying: You can purchase up to $2000 of Bitcoin and Ethereum. It’s delivered within 20 minutes and sent directly to your private wallet. The minimum amount is $50, and you’ll be able to see how much crypto you’ll receive for the amount you want to spend based on current rates. Payments are processed by POLI.

    Instant selling: Conversely, you can sell Bitcoin back at any time, 24/7. The money is sent to your bank account, usually within 12 hours.

    What do I need to get started?

    To get started you need to set up a Bitcoin wallet (Vimba doesn’t host crypto on behalf of its users) then set up your Vimba account (you’ll need your passport or driver’s licence handy), a process that takes just a few minutes.

    Anything else important to know?

    As a bonus, for each friend you refer, you’ll both get $10 of Bitcoin – and when using the weekly savings feature, you go in the draw to win $100 of Bitcoin every week!

  • October 16, 2018

    The highs and lows of preemie parenthood (aka when all your plans go out the window!)

    He just couldn’t wait a moment longer. And when your baby decides it’s time to join the world, there’s not a lot you can do about it!

    Our son’s changed our lives irrevocably and I don’t think I’ve quite adjusted to the fact that this is my new reality.

    And now here we are, tasked with spending the rest of our lives keeping this little guy alive. Crazy.

    An exorcism (the birth story)

    It all started on a Monday evening…

    We were walking the dogs after dinner when I thought I felt my first Braxton Hicks (an assumption based on being 36 weeks). They kept coming once we got home and eventually I started timing – 5-7 mins apart, almost like clockwork.

    There was no sleep for me that night as they started to get a bit stronger; I muddled through with some Birthful podcast episodes I hadn’t got to yet, and one from Michelle is Money Hungry ? – all while rotating through tons of positions. Lying, standing, kneeling, sitting, with and without cushions, etc. At one point I went rooting around the house for paracetamol, and though I finally found some, it did crap all for the pain.

    Tuesday morning came at last…

    And with it, what looked like my bloody show. At that point it really started to sink in that this was likely real labour, and I started to get scared.

    Doubly so an hour or so later, when I started bleeding a bit and called my midwife. I’d texted her earlier and she’s said it could still be a few days, and to try to relax – that hopefully we could make it to 37 weeks! But a photo of my bloody pad was enough to convince her it was time to go in. Being so early, no birthing centre for me ? instead, it was off to the hospital.

    A little old lady volunteer popped me in a wheelchair and took me to maternity, where my midwife turned up shortly after and set me up in a room. It was nothing like I’d envisioned birth, though of course I knew better than to fixate on anything about this whole process. Still, I never really imagined I’d be on a bed, hooked up to a baby heartbeat monitor and also an IV.

    A doctor came in to examine me and Spud was fine, luckily, but labour wasn’t really progressing (contractions not speeding up, dilation stuck around 4cm) so eventually they broke my waters on the bed.

    The afternoon rolled around…

    That sped things up, and I got on the gas not long after. We prepared for an epidural as well since we were in hospital but I was still keen to try get through without.

    I got off the bed and was sitting backwards on a chair, with the gas basically putting me to sleep between contractions (a welcome relief to super sleep deprived me). At some point it all intensified and I knew I had to change positions as it was getting unbearable … like the most epic bouts of constipation ever.

    That’s when I hopped back on the bed, hanging on to the raised back for dear life. I hadn’t got round to creating a birthing playlist, so my Happy playlist had to get me through. At some point I kind of lost consciousness, retreating into myself as each wave came faster. I couldn’t focus on active birthing techniques anymore, only sucking on the gas to get through, sliding down the bed every time.

    What if I can’t do this? I wondered. I might need something more.

    The next level up would be morphine, they said, but it could slow things down (which I definitely did not want). They knew I was close, I guess, and kept encouraging me through.

    Pushing on my lower back helped with the pain, and cold flannels on my face and neck were a big relief. I was sweating buckets, not helped by whatever they were doing in the background to get ready for Spud that apparently included heating the room. I could hear a flurry of activity around and behind me, and that was reassuring – I didn’t have the energy to speak and ask but figured they must be setting up for the final stage.

    Someone else came in to help and introduced herself just as I hit a big one and all I greeted her with was a scream. Likewise, the person bringing in my dinner tray (seriously, a little preoccupied right now!).

    I remember my midwife commenting on the giant backpack we brought, which led to them talking about our RTW trip. If I’d had the capacity I would have yelled shut the fuck up why are you talking about travel right now when I’m dying?!

    I think I pushed for less than an hour – though at the time it seemed eternal. Making progress and then regressing, never ending and disheartening. Screaming bloody murder.

    By the time he came out at 6.59pm, 24 hours after those first contractions, I was SHATTERED and had zero interest in this weird dirty bundle. But they put him on me, and after taking a few minutes to recover and come back to the present, I was ready to marvel at him.

    Although they used a local anaesthetic to stitch me up I could still feel them somewhat – and frankly the injections and the stitches were about on par with each other… He came out with one hand up which apparently is what caused the tearing (thanks dude).

    As we wound things up, I could hear another woman somewhere else in the ward shouting I can’t do this!

    I wanted to yell back you can and you will. Cheesy as it sounds, that day and every one since, has hammered home just how much strength lies within us.

    I may not have gotten the birthing pool, the walking around, or any of that, but it all worked out in the end.

    Highs

    Feeling like a badass for getting through labour!

    Luckily I didn’t experience the ring of fire, and going to the toilet post partum wasn’t too bad,,

    Surviving my first diaper change, tarry black poop and all.

    All the well wishes and support from everyone. I swear, anyone I’ve ever known has reached out, and everyone one I even vaguely know with kids has offered advice and congratulations. It’s like we’ve been inducted into this secret club, in a way. This week has definitely been social media at its best 🙂

    T organising a brief escape on Saturday morning – I needed that respite. We just went home to hang out with the animals, enjoy some normalcy for an hour and so I could see all the work he’d done to get the house ready.

    Coming home on Sunday. Nuff said!

    Lows

    Spending 5 nights in hospital. Playing the waiting game every day, not knowing if we would get discharged or not. First it was concerns about his weight and whether he was producing enough wet diapers, then it was jaundice.

    T telling me how hard it was for him to leave us every day after visiting and how it made him sadder each time. Broke my heart.

    Pumping (they got me onto pumping after the second night) and having the lactation consultant all over my boobs (yes I know it’s her job). Particularly at night – the feed, burp, change cycle was manageable but adding a pumping session with all the logistics after every feed as well – ugh. Trying to soothe him while hooked up to the machine at 4am was a major low.

    Nights 3 and 4 by myself in the hospital. See above. Wrangling everything was so hard and lonely and depressing. (Partners can’t stay overnight in hospital. That said, we were in a private room the last two nights, because of the jaundice / UV lights, and kinda smuggled him in on the last night. While it didn’t take as much off the load as I’d hoped, just not being alone with baby helped immensely.)

  • August 7, 2018

    How I’m saving thousands by refinancing my mortgage

    How refinancing your mortgage could save you thousands of dollars

     

    Earlier this year I had one of my loans roll over (my mortgage is in 3 parts) and annoyingly, since interest rates had gone up since 2016, I wound up paying something like $20 a fortnight more. (Ish? I’m too lazy to go check.)

    Such is life in NZ where we don’t have fixed rates for 30 years.

    I refixed that loan for another year, and figured I’d look at a full refinance the same time next year when everything would come up for renewal.

    But last month I refinanced it all to a new bank.

    Why? So so much has been happening moneywise: a bit of which I actually can’t write about, the rest which I will get around to soon.  

    The main takeaway is, I’ll now be saving nearly $90 a fortnight, which is nothing to sniff at!

    Between rates falling a bit in the past few months and the new bank offering a sharp deal, I start saving money right away. I got $3k cashback, which covered the break fees (just under $1000) and also the cash clawback.

    The what?! Well, when I took out this mortgage back in 2016 they gave me $1200 in cash.  Annoyingly, there was no paperwork outlining the conditions of this (I only have an email confirming the amount, nothing about the payback period). I would have assumed the clawback was proportional over time (as it is with the new bank – I made sure to get this down in an email this time), but no, they required the full cashback amount be paid back in full if I left early.  

    I’m slightly out of pocket right now due to the lawyer fees for the refinance process but the fortnightly savings will quickly make up for that.

    I’ve also now been able to set up the floating part of the mortgage as offset, so the positive balances in my accounts will reduce the amount of interest charged on that part of the mortgage. It’s not a huge amount right now (a few grand offsetting $25k). But early next year I expect to have a much larger lump sum come in (a topic for another future post) and sit around for a little while – and that will be handy.

    Ever been through a refinance? How’d you find the process?

     

  • August 1, 2018

    A tale of two pregnancies

    A tale of two pregnancies

    A few years back, I found myself working with two pregnant women about my age.

    They had totally opposite experiences.

    One breezed right through pregnancy from start to finish. Her belly grew, but apparently literally nothing else changed for her. Zero physical symptoms. She didn’t think ‘baby brain’ was real. Basically, she had the dream experience.

    The other encountered pretty much every possible problem.  You name it, she suffered from it. She was the worst case scenario.

    “I would just like to know, really. I want to know,” I wrote in the first draft of this blog post a couple of years ago. “How bad will it be for me? And how will I feel once I’ve had it? Is my entire world view going to change?”

    So far it has been quite manageable. I mean, I can’t speak to the latter part, but pregnancy so far is tolerable.

    The first trimester

    I got a bad cold/flu early on that knocked me for six, and then the first trimester exhaustion kicked in. I did nothing but go to work, come home and collapse.

    Month three brought about indigestion and appetite changes, aches and pains, a dash of dizziness. No throwing up, thank god. (Though there was one occasion where I was about to dash to the bathroom to be sick, only then for a dizzy spell to set in that left me wondering; am I going to faint or vomit first? I made it to an armchair for a rest while the moment passed, without either passing out or puking. #winning)

    The second trimester

    The second trimester is meant to be easier for most but I’m not sure if that was true for me. Once I got noticeably bigger bang on at 12 weeks, indigestion became a near-constant in life and those post-dinner witching hours in particular (about 8-10pm) became a hurdle to be endured. The bump also started to make me feel like a lumbering elephant most of the time, particularly since I seemed to be showing quite a lot given how far along (not that far…) I actually was.

    The food aversions seemed to recede toward the end of month 4 and my appetite grew; I could once again eat a full sized meal! I had a few more dizzy/nauseous spells too – the worst happened on a crowded morning train – but they also stopped around this time and with any luck that’s the end of those for good.

    Pretty much bang on 20 weeks when I was starting to worry about not feeling any movement, I felt the first kicks. And now they’re constant! It’s bizarre, but I love it, and I think I’m going to miss it. Although the stronger they get, the more I suspect it’s going to get painful at some point. I think I had my first taste of lightning crotch recently, and while it was faint and short lived, I could do without any more twinges like that.

    Month six has been tough because we’re in the midst of winter. I’ve struggled with cold/flu twice pretty badly – but it beats having the flu AND having to look after a baby too. And they don’t kid about having a built-in heater, aside from the extra crappy immune system, winter pregnancy is brilliant!

    The third trimester

    Right now I’m just about to hit the third trimester and it’s really starting to hit me that this baby is gonna have to come out! Eeek. But most of all, I’m suddenly feeling supremely unprepared for life with a little human. Semi-last-minute jitters? I did have a dream that Spud arrived, and slept through the night, and barely made a peep – was basically just a doll in a diaper. Here’s hoping…

    In the meantime, I did my one-hour glucose test yesterday (fingers crossed…) and am going for a growth scan tomorrow (because my fundal height was at the low end of the range). I also have my first antenatal class this weekend. It looks like my baby shower will be just 2-3 weeks before I’m due, so potentially we may need to get a few things at the last minute to fill any gaps. We’ll see!

    Weirdly enough, two others in my team at work are in the same boat. We’re all due in the same month, though they’re each slightly ahead of me by a week and two weeks. We’re all in this crazy up-the-duff journey together, and given none of my friends are currently pregnant it’s nice to be sharing it with others!

  • June 20, 2018

    The one question I hate being asked, as a pregnant woman…

    WIll you go back to work after the baby?

     

    I hate, hate, HATE conversations about last names. I have a LOT of feelings about name changing and anyone who asks me if I did (because it only inevitably leads to me having to justify keeping mine).

    But wow, my hate for that particular question has serious rivalry.

    “Will you go back to work?”

    I don’t get a choice in that, and it’s really irritating to get asked this.

    (See also: “Was it planned/expected?” Something about that also rubs me the wrong way.)

    I get that it’s probably still rare for her to earn the bulk of the household income and to not take a full year off. But that’s changing. Thankfully, one of my fellow preggo coworkers is also a breadwinner and gets what it’s like when your household relies on your income. The other one in our Knocked Up cohort is in a much more traditional setup but I appreciate that she acknowledges she’s fortunate her partner can more than support them all financially.

    It’s hard not to be defensive as my gut reaction, but I’m working on it. And  I’m reframing this for my own sake as an issue of equality.

    I want us to be equal coparents. And part of that involves sharing parental leave. It’s a great opportunity for us to split leave – and responsibilities – from early on.

    Not that this is necessarily uncontroversial either.

    “Why do you want things to be equal?” I was asked. (Yes, in 2018. By someone my age. Oh how I wish I was kidding right now.)

    I have to justify that too?! Even if we earned exactly equal incomes I would still want us to split leave. The only scenario in which this would change is if I was earning a significant amount less. Equality is both a financial and political issue in this case.

    On that note, at some point we’ll have to decide what to do about Spud’s last name. Neither of us care about passing our surnames down (and neither of us particularly like ours anyway. And no, that was not reason enough to change them then or now, though I love love love when couples make up a brand new name together). Definitely not interested in hyphenation or combining. And I suppose it’s insane to make up a random last name for zir. It might just come down to whichever last name sounds better with the first name we choose.

    Incidentally, I was stunned a couple of years ago to find out that my BIL’s kid has her mother’s last name. And funnily enough, T actually seems fairly keen on us possibly doing the same. It’s a far cry from years ago when we initially clashed over my intention to keep my name…

     

  • June 13, 2018

    Saver vs spender: how we found our money groove

    5 steps to getting on the same financial page with your partner

     

    You know you’ve come full circle when your spender partner doesn’t want to spend the money he’s been saving for a particular thing, on that particular thing.

    I find it amusing, anyway.

    How did we get here?

    I’ve alluded before to how we have somewhat separate accounts (the mixed method really) and it’s working so much better compared to when I handled basically 100% of that stuff. Overall, money meetings/talks are now way less stressful and anchored in positivity more often than not.

    That’s not to say it’s been effortless, especially at the beginning. But like with most things, getting into a groove starts with laying the groundwork.

    Banish the cobwebs

    Step one for us was getting back to ground zero. And that meant a little bit of individually reflecting and looking back before we could move forward.

    Where are you now and why? What’s your role in the situation? Hopefully you’ve become aware of your own blind spots, tendencies, and yeah, mistakes. We’ve all made missteps at some point, some more serious than others. It takes two, rarely is one partner entirely faultless. Even if (ahem) you feel hugely slighted, if you’re committing to making this work, being the bigger person goes a long way initially. Have the grace to forgive yourself, forgive them and let the past go.

    Forgetting may not be possible or desirable, but forgiving is necessary to make progress – if that’s what you want to do.

    Pick the right time

    Okay, so you want to actually talk money? Set up for success – timing is everything! It’s got to be a place and time where you’re both relaxed and have the headspace to give the topic your full attention. You wouldn’t want to hit your boss up for a big raise when they’ve just spent all day rushing from workshop to meeting to conference and are totally exhausted. Context matters.

    So don’t force the money talks. They may (and probably will) initially kick up some complicated feelings and negative energy. Pushing and pushing for a conversation at that point is only going to lead to hurt feelings, taking things personally and wrongly perceiving things as an attack or criticism. Keep it short, know when to stop.

    Back to basics

    Don’t assume anything, especially if you’re the person who’s been doing it all. T literally did not know what we spent on most of our key expense categories, because it’s not something he’s all that interested in and thus I didn’t make an effort to involve him. But (duh) him not being across things at that basic level made it really hard to talk about money in any detail let alone our bigger goals for the future and what we might need to do to reach those.

    Make it a conversation

    Keep the dialogue going and try to avoid absolutes – you always, you never etc. Also bad: taking opposing stances on everything – you’re careless, you’re stingy, you’re too generous, you’re too obsessive. 

    Try and turn each point around and look for examples of contradictions – I bet you’ll find a few cases where you broke with the pattern. The time when you splurged randomly – why? The time when you saved for something and actually stuck to a plan – why? While we all have tendencies we naturally fall into and revert to, we’re also capable of acting out of character and understanding what drives that can be really insightful.

    Speaking of ‘why’ … that’ll be the next step. Figuring out your goals and getting aligned behind them.

    Take it slow

    Don’t expect to see 100% eye-to-eye. This is totally natural. Resist the urge to nag and try to convince your partner that your way is the only way. Particularly if you’re paired up with a Rebel (Four Tendencies anyone?) that’s gonna land like a lead balloon.

    Wishing for them to change (especially overnight…) does not work. Focus on what you CAN control, namely yourself: doing what you can and leading by example. Odds are that they’ll increasingly get onboard once the benefits start to become clearer under your steering. Or you may gradually come around more to your partner’s way of thinking and adjust your approach accordingly. For us, he’s moved a long way towards me on the spectrum, but I’ve also loosened up a little and shuffled his way a bit. And let’s be honest, it hasn’t hurt that our income’s gone up, meaning the purse strings are less tight – that’s a luxury that’s helped a lot in this regard.

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