You know I’m all about figuring out how to feel better about money, so you can do better with it. It’s a beautiful cycle. A worthy model. A virtuous flywheel.
So, here’s a simple framework for feel-good money. Enjoy!
Stack up the evidence
Write your badass bio, financially speaking. List all your past money wins, previous achievements, and create a narrative around this. One that speaks to your track record of success.
This might feel weird and imposter-y and uncomfortable.
But this empowering story is just for you. To help you get used to focusing on your triumphs rather than flops. Stack the deck in your favour, and take this step toward being kinder to yourself and easing up on past you.
Track your wins
A plug for these quick money wins. Get a few under your belt, boost your energy, and get some momentum going!
Then, keep the vibe going. Tune in and pay attention to all your wins, big and small, from here on in.
What counts? Anything goes, honestly.
Getting a great deal in a sale…
An unexpected refund…
A referral for a cool, lucrative project… etc
Again, you’re learning to tune in to the goodness, because we’re wired to dwell on negativity. It’s not so natural to look for the good stuff.
Celebrate the hell outta it
Ride those highs as long as they last.
I beat myself up for things, even years later. Do I celebrate their positive equivalents, years later? Probably not (see previous point).
So, we gotta milk the wins as they come and savour every minute.
Celebration means feeling it all, revelling in it, soaking it up. No dismissing or downplaying. No modesty here, thanks. Stretch yourself into feeling egoic.
Squealing. Dancing. Moving and vocalising are all great!
Whatever moves you. Whatever the mood brings you to. Embody the good vibes and encode these beautiful feelings and memories in your body at a cellular level.
If you liked this, you’ll probably love Money Groove, my self-paced digital course all about finding your own financial groove. It’s your roadmap to ditching your $$$ baggage, making peace with money, and fast-tracking the path to MORE of it.
It was our second to last night on holiday. Slumbering in a cute Airbnb in Napier. Literally the last thing I expected was a call from the local cops at 4am notifying me the car had been stolen (from right outside!) for a joyride, recovered, and the perp in custody.
Instead of carrying on to our last stop, Rotorua, after breakfast – the morning was a flurry of phone calls and Googling. Dealing with insurance. Frantically trying to find a rental car. Figuring out what we’d need to replace immediately and where to buy it. Trying to get to the tow yard, which turned out to be closed all weekend.
You may also know the exquisite pain of tapping your emergency fund.
But it’s an amazing feeling not to have to worry about money in a situation like that. We just needed to find a way to get home, preferably while continuing with our original plan and one more night before heading home. It didn’t really matter how much it cost.
Annoyingly, insurance would only reimburse the equivalent of bus fare directly back to Auckland, which was a couple hundred dollars. We considered flying, but in the end found what must have been the last available vehicle in the city for about $900 for a one-way overnight rental. We’d drive on to Rotorua as planned, spend the night in town, then back to Auckland to return it at the airport. (It was a neat vehicle. Brand new, lots of little self-driving functions.)
There is, it turns out, an extra you can add on to your car insurance policy for car rental in this situation. It is not free! Nor is it all that great. It simply entitles you to preferential hire rates (whatever those might be).
We did also replace Spud’s carseat right away (which again, has risen significantly in price since I bought the original 2 years ago). Honestly, this is what bugs me the most. What a waste of a perfectly good carseat! I hope someone picked it up off the side of the road or whatever, because seriously, that was a $500+ (now $700+) carseat with a LOT of life left in it.
Some other annoying, random things were also lost from the backseat. Cereal, books, hat, jacket, drink bottle, etc. (A few bits, not worth claiming through contents cover.) But they left everything in the boot. The wagon, the ball, the beach toys, scooter, etc – untouched. The damage was minimal. They clearly just wanted to go hoon around.
Eventually, it got towed back to Auckland for repairs. The mechanic also got hit by thieves over the summer break and had no courtesy cars available. And then we had the devastating cyclones that upended things around the country. It took two months to finally get my car back! But it was better than ever. It felt like they did a full mechanical once over – the brakes are smoother, and even though I specified that the crack on the back of the side mirror was already there, they still fixed that up and bundled it all up in the claim.
I was out hundreds on the car rental, and then paying for convenience for nearly two months to have grocery delivery (only available from the more expensive supermarkets). And it was fine. Inconvenient. But fine.
The last few months have been spendy…
More generally, it’s been an expensive few months. Yes, there’s the cost of food and basic necessities. But also, a lot of choice. That road trip, a much needed holiday. A long overdue trip to the dentist (I hadn’t been since, uh, pre-pregnancy…) and my first fillings ever. New glasses, well overdue. And a lot of overdue things around the house, like fixes to the side gate, getting the roof painted (which had been on to the todo list since moving in 8 years ago) and getting the rotten eaves replaced.
It’s been an invitation and challenge…
to practise, deepen, and embody everything I’ve been thinking and talking about in relation to money.
To channel deep gratitude for being in place of safety and plenty, to not have to worry about any of this. As I said to the victim support rep – it has been a hassle, there have been many inconveniences, and the expenses are annoying, but not devastating. (I was actually kinda excited to go through the restorative justice process, which I wrote a big feature about when it was a new thing and I was in journalism school. But between the perp’s circumstances, the distance, and then the massive cyclones that disrupted everything, it seemed the cons outweighed the pros in this case.)
To remember that money comes and goes, is designed to flow, to support us, and trust that it is always continuing to flow in, too.
I don’t advocate for burying your head in the sand. It’s not about denying reality.
It’s about acknowledging the circumstances, and choosing to face them with grit and grace. Deciding, over and over, to spurn the fear, scarcity, and anxiety. Releasing the need to control and letting go of that power dynamic of struggle. Surrendering to what is, and choosing calm and trust through it all – even as insurance approvals and supply chain delays drag out.
Making moves from a place of fear never works out well. Making moves from a place of confidence, empowerment, and expansion is the real flex.
Because one of the most important skills we can develop (and will forever be practicing and evolving) is discernment.
Learning to discern what will work for you, not blindly copying others.
Listening to mentors and taking on board their input – but not necessarily following everything to the letter.
Honouring your instincts, which so many of us have learned to suppress. (This doesn’t mean giving in to fear and self sabotage but again – discerning the difference between fear of expansion / risk,,, and the nudges that are guiding you away from something that isn’t for you).
Self trust is a huge ingredient for success, and the more you practice it, the sharper your instincts get.
(PS: this week only, you can grab Money Groove PLUS a bunch of other financial resources as part of this bundle)
I once heard Brooke Castillo state on a podcast episode that one reason for her success is her willingness to face unpleasant emotions. To feel any feeling.
My immediate reaction was something like What? What a load of BS. Seriously?!
But I couldn’t stop thinking about that statement. And over the next few days I just started to observe myself more. How I dealt with things. How I coped. How I reacted.
And, well, I discovered that I did not in fact want to feel anything uncomfortable. I actively avoided it. I ran from them, instead of running at them and facing them head on. I wanted to do anything but front up.
Embracing discomfort is not something that comes naturally to the human mind. One place this shows up a lot for me is fear.
Financial fear is a big one. Living in a state of constant tension and low-level panic SUCKS and takes a toll. Fear of losing an income source, of some financial disaster striking, of the unknown in general… Feeling afraid about money on the regular is no fun.
That’s why dissecting and combating fears is part of the last module (Fuel the Future) in my course, Money Groove.
Some people don’t like to imagine the worst-case scenario, but I’m the kind who needs to confront my worst fears rather than hide from them. Naming and voicing them has a magical shrinking power. Out in the cleansing light of day, they lose their shadowy strength.
This is true for most fears, I’ve found. When we do, then we can start to ask questions like “Has it happened before? What are the odds of it happening? What would I do then?”
In lots of cases, the catastrophes we’ve conjured up in our lizard brains are over-exaggerated. They’ve never occurred. Nor are they likely to. Sure, anything CAN happen. But that doesn’t mean they will.
And yes, it’s good to prepare. To have contingency plans.
And then, we need to release. To let go. To relax.
Our hypotheses are often way off. We can’t predict things. We’re wired to focus on the negatives. To anticipate risks. To stay wary, watchful, on guard. Which doesn’t necessarily serve us well in today’s world when danger is less mortal and more perceived; less about tigers and tsunamis out there and more about the spinning out inside our heads.
We have to recognise we’ve done all we can, and trust. Otherwise, all the fun quickly drains out of life.
Something I often struggle with is guilt. Feeling guilty that I’m objectively much better off than most of the population on earth. For all the privileges I have been endowed and all I have now – especially after the past few years. And then… feeling guilty on the flipside for wanting even more. For still aspiring to bigger and better. Dreaming, desiring.
It’s a weird tug of war. It’s a weird middle ground. But I know I’m not alone in this. These are all totally natural feelings.
In fact, we dive into guilt a few times in Money Groove – guilt over spending (even when you can totally afford it, and got plenty of value out of something!) and guilt over wanting more when objectively, you’re way better off than so many others in the world and yet you still desire more. These aren’t things we can just sweep under the rug or brush away. They’ll just keep on popping up and coming back.
Here’s what I DO know. Here’s what I have to remind myself of, over and over again.
It does nobody else any good for me to struggle. There’s no upside or benefit or prize to not having what I want, to playing martyr.
It’s not a zero sum game. How poorly or well I do doesn’t change anything for anyone else.
If you aren’t making enough to live well … worrying about making ends meet … how can you possibly ever achieve your full potential? Particularly when inflation continues to balloon and push up the prices of EVERYTHING constantly?
In taking care of myself first and flourishing, I can then turn around and help others. Simply: when you have enough to take care of your own needs, you can look to help to solve those bigger problems. But you gotta handle things at home first.
Take that guilt and turn it into fuel and momentum instead.
If you’re in a reasonably stable position but still generally fretting about savings or debt on a daily basis … that constant low hum of money stress is exhausting.
I’ve learned the hard way that if all your mental energy is expended on immediate money worries and needs from day-to-day, you won’t have any left over to actually plan for the future, make good strategic decisions and focus on moving forward. If you’re anything like me, this spills over into other areas of your life like work (leading to underperforming) and relationships (leading to isolation).
Worrying intensely about not having enough often distracts you from actually doing anything about it. Wallowing is easy; taking steps to solve the problem is harder.
Don’t let those feelings overwhelm you!
Here are two things I try to bring it back to…
Concrete actions
What can you do about it right now?
What would you do if the Terrible Thing came to pass? And then what? And what next? And after that?
See, you’ve probably got Plans A-D right there, stepped out already.
Within reason.
Contingency plans are important, don’t get me wrong. But when you’re too wrapped up in concerns about what could go wrong rather than considering what could potentially go right; if you do the same things and continue the same thought patterns – you’ll find yourself spinning your wheels and going nowhere.
Fear is a constant companion to me. And rather than letting it steer, I relegate it to the backseat. In the passenger seat, I’d much rather have someone more upbeat.
Your BEST case scenario
What if it worked? What if this had legs? What if this were to fly?
Think better thoughts. Ask better questions. Actively replace those gloomy visions with visions of your ideal outcome instead.
What if it all went so right?
A positive, future-oriented approach does wonders for your emotional state.
And that starts with getting a handle on your fears and your thoughts.
The thing is, our hypotheses are often way off. We can’t predict things. But we just can’t help ourselves, can we? Our brains are wired to focus on negative. Anticipate risk. Keep us on guard and safe. Which doesn’t serve us well in today’s world; a world where danger is less about mortal risk out there, and more about what we perceive inside our heads.
And that is never truer than when it comes to money.
But these two habits can go a long way to curbing the drama of money stress.
(Liked this? Then you’ll probably love Money Groove, my digital course designed to guide you toward finding your own financial groove and slaying those money demons.)
For so many years, I had mostly negative feelings about money. There was never enough. Progress was always so slow. Stuff always cropped up. I had so much fear, scarcity, and resentment. Basically all my thoughts about money fell into one of those buckets.
And all my interactions with money were basically the same. I’d get paid once or twice a month, but have to spend money on many more days per month. It’s hard to feel positive and abundant when you’re mostly focused on the money constantly leaving.
Making more has given me breathing room. Space to step back, rethink and re-examine my relationship with money and how I handle it. I can see now that I could have changed a few things back then that would have helped. It wouldn’t have changed the bottom line, but it would have done wonders for my mental wellness. (I do credit myself for stepping back from the PF world years ago when things were super tight and I knew that reading and obsessing about money was doing me no good.)
There are always things we can do to start feeling better about money right now, though.
When paying bills…
Imagine that money coming in instead. Landing in your account.
(The power company is gonna get its due. That’s not changing. But what if you played around with how you think about this?)
I used to resent paying bills. Now I try to flip that around, and feel grateful for having the money to easily pay the bills. I have that luxury now. That might be a stretch for you. Just try imagining that money coming to you instead.
Hat tip to Denise Duffield Thomas for inspiring this one. I heard her hack for filling up at the petrol station – as the number ticks up on screen, imagine that is your bank balance going up – and then adapted this to use anytime I paid bills
Transfer money to savings as often as possible
Sometimes quantity does reign supreme. It’s the psychological effect (like debt snowball vs avalanche). Lots of small wins = a big mental boost.
Especially if things are tight. Transferring just $5 can be really meaningful.
We’re always telling ourselves stories. This is one way to start changing your story to one where you CAN and DO save money. You’re a saver. Even if $5 or $10 doesn’t feel like much and might not feel worthwhile, it’s symbolic.
That’s how habits are built. We start small. We stay consistent.
Give when you can
It feels amazing to give. Truly. I used to be sceptical. Having beats giving any day! Why would I want to do that?
Then I started doing it. Being someone who’s generous is not an identity I ever aspired to or related to. I just never saw myself that way. But as I’ve become more able to, I’ve increased my giving back. Turns out I like it. It makes me feel amazing about money.
I’d bet that the same would be true for you. Make a donation next time you’re feeling blah about money and see how you feel afterwards.
If you liked this, you’ll probably love Money Groove, my self-paced digital course all about finding your own financial groove – it’ll be right up your alley.
Only two types of people say this. Those who have more than enough money, or those who don’t have it and never will.
This is what I’ve observed, over and over.
I remember engaging in discussion once with someone who has been broke as hell and now does very well for themselves. She busted out this BS line – and threw something in about health (they always do, don’t they?!).
Come on. Really. She totally failed to acknowledge how different it would have been if she had been struck down with that health situation in her younger, poorer days.
It’s not just about the direct costs of care. It’s also about the fact that when you’re in lower paying, less stable jobs, you don’t tend to have as much leave, you might not get paid leave or have the option to take an extended absence, you might not have trauma/income insurance, you might not be able to work flexibly, all those surrounding factors play into your health experience.
But why? What makes people spout this line that is so out of touch with reality? Have they truly forgotten what it’s like (obviously the silver spoon rich may never have known anything but privilege)? And more importantly, what’s the underlying emotion driving it?
I suspect it might be guilt. For being comfortable, having more than others. Downplaying the status they’ve achieved (heck, it’s easy enough to get rid of money if you REALLY don’t want it!)
At the other end of the spectrum, the motivation is probably clearer. Defensiveness, defeatism, despair. If you know you’re never going to have money, why even think about what it would be like? Why aspire to it? I don’t want it anyway. It wouldn’t make a difference. Reverse psyching yourself out, driven by envy. Proactively adapting your expectations or downgrading your desires to compensate.
As someone in the middle – not broke, not rich – I struggle with both. Absolutely I experience envy of those with more. I also feel guilt about being better off than many (especially during pandemic times – the exacerbation of inequality is just terrifying).
The truth is, the more I make the more good I can do and the more I can give back. The more I AM doing and giving back. Making bigger and bigger donations as time goes on feels freaking amazing. Hell, I can see why people might even aspire to become VCs.
Every dollar has a job. That’s the principle behind a budget. If you don’t have a purpose in mind for your money, you’re not going to have it for long.
Likewise, without a concrete goal, it’s hard to bring in more money.
For me, at least, I can’t seem to just make more for the sake of it. I need a reason. Whether it’s clearing a debt, saving for a SPECIFIC thing, taking a trip … there needs to be an end goal that I can visualise and focus on.
I’ve had a lot of big goals that I had no idea how I was going to accomplish. But I did – every single time. Whether it was a round-the-world trip or buying a house, I had to take a leap of faith and trust that my strategy would see me through.
I’ve been amazed, over and over, by what I can accomplish by simply DECIDING to achieve it. Once I put aside the doubts and what-ifs and just mentally commit to making it happen. Trusting that it’s possible. It’s often about letting go of attachment to a specific outcome, roadmap, or timeline. The pieces usually start to fall into place after that.
It’s not magical thinking; it’s about locking in an intention, knowing that I’m capable of getting there, even I didn’t have every detail ironed out, and letting things flow from there. And when they do? I’m 100% positioned to capitalise on them and run with it.
What about you? Does having a specific money goal to reach help accelerate your financial momentum?
I’ve had a lot of reasons to be thankful for insurance over the past year. When insurance companies come through on claims, it’s so worth it.
Getting a new (used) car through insurance
Even though it’s a slight downgrade – a slightly older model, where the lights and wipers don’t automatically turn on/off when it gets dark/rains. Still well worth it. The old car had a few major issues after faithfully serving for many years – and then there was an accident that resulted in insurance writing it off entirely.
Getting a new shed through house insurance
Last year, the shed down in the back corner of the yard caught fire in the night. (It’s still unclear why. The best working theory is stray sparks from the neighbours, who often BBQ just on the other side of the fence from the shed.) It’s just lucky it’s situated so far away from the main house.
Home insurance covered the shed replacement. Because the old one was an ancient, falling-down structure full of asbestos, they replaced it with a metal kitset shed. The whole painful process took six months from lodging the claim to completion of the shed – but it’s done! The new shed is infinitely more usable, too.
Getting Spud minor surgery through health insurance
Spud has always had a lot of issues with noisy breathing, reflux, his sinuses, nosebleeds, and constant colds/coughs. (Weirdly, no ear infections, as far as I can tell. Either that, or he’s such a trooper he just doesn’t let on.) A couple ENT visits and an X-ray later, we learned he has enlarged adenoids. After taking a wait-and-see approach for a couple more months, we went the surgical route. The operation took less than an hour and went super smoothly. Way better than expected! The difference was instant. Turns out that airway was more than 50% blocked by those supersized adenoids. It was, of course, quite scary to contemplate upfront. Now, I wish we could have done it earlier. Oversized adenoids is another fairly common thing, it turns out. This has been a huge step on my own personal journey, away from putting up with whatever life hands you, not making a fuss, powering through.
It’s not the first time we’ve gone to a specialist, having given up on the general care system. I’ve talked before about Spud’s food intolerances. He’s sensitive to half of the top 8 allergens. I’m grateful that he does not have severe instant reactions, but intolerances are a real pain. They’re hard to pin down and others don’t take you seriously. Babies and toddlers can’t communicate! Using a mix of scientific observation and tracking, and my intuition, I was finally able to identify the trouble ingredients (dairy, nuts, fish and seafood). I may not have hard proof, but I completely believe in my conclusions and totally stand by them.
The first specialist was sceptical. Some symptoms Spud presented are not typical by medical gospel. However, shitloads of anecdotal evidence in online communities and private groups say otherwise. And all our experiences count for something in my eyes. Anyway, we finally got prescribed hypoallergenic formula – and that changed everything.
But we still struggled with some bad eczema flareups. So we went to the most recommended paediatric dermatologist. “It’s quite bad, you know,” she observed. No shit. But not bad enough for a GP to care. So she gave us a routine to follow – with very specific descriptions of how much cream to apply on specific days – and it worked a treat.
Have you been getting your money’s worth (or at least, peace of mind) from your insurance?
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