I’m not feeling super good about myself. Just got confirmation of my 2009 allowance. I also got my fees invoice in to the scholarships office, and to the bank to renew my tertiary account.

So why the downer? Well, the application process more or less required me to do some badmouthing and emphasise all the negatives of my family. I didn’t enjoy doing that. Especially once my mother told me she would pay for my laptop.

I haven’t had very good luck with computers. My old one died on me numerous times. The second to last time they even donated me an old CRT screen – bulky as hell, weighed almost as much as me. When it died for good and I was looking for a new one they offered me their desktop system. Even shortly after I first moved out, I was offered my mum’s spare laptop.

Why did I say no both those times? Well, I guess it’s a matter of pride. I am by nature a proud person. i’m twenty years old, though I feel much much older and as part of having been independent for so long I feel totally responsible for all my own affairs. A computer is a basic need for me, and I should pay for it myself. I don’t want to owe anyone, least of all my parents, in spite (or because of?) past events. I know my brother gets a lot more than I ever did, but that doesn’t make me want “my share” more at all. I don’t know, I just think I’m on my own, and that’s the way it should stay unless I really am in dire, dire straits. i wouldn’t feel good about it. Although I of course appreciate the offers. I just didn’t want to take anything that easy.

But after this set back, and facing paying close to another grand out of pocket, I said ‘let’s go halves’. Kind of a compromise that I can accept. I just don’t want my savings to dwindle by that much; I’ve pretty much realized it’s near impossible to build up any sort of savings while still studying, probably even more so this year given trips and materials costs and who knows what else. My savings has pretty much remained at the same level for a couple of years now, once the ins and outs are leveled out. I have over a grand tied up as bond money with tenancy services, but that sure doesn’t feel like mine.

Paying just half will be massive; between mystery shopping, overtime and my story assignments it should only cost me $200-300 out of my account. I don’t think this is too much to accept, and I’ll try to accept the gift graciously.