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  • September 20, 2010

    My money story

    It’s a given that making a living in the arts isn’t easy. The Big Idea, a hub for those in the creative industries, is doing a series on money, designed to “jostle your understanding and perception around money” and enabling us to take control and improve cashflow.

    Of course, one of the first things advised is to start tracking expenses – a money diary. But much more interesting is the Your Money Story, a series of questions which explore your views on finances based on your past. I’ve always tended to shy away from these things, but I was so pumped about the whole project I thought I might just delve in. And if you’d like to fill them out, I’ve pasted the questions below.

    Answer the following questions as a way of revealing your real relationship to money:
    • What was your family’s money situation, when you were young?
    • Did you learn about money?  How did you learn about money?  What did you learn?
    • What did your mother tell you verbally or non-verbally about money?
    • What did your father tell you verbally or non-verbally about money?
    • Was money talked about in your family when you were growing up?  Were you included in money conversations?
    • Did you get pocket money as a child?  In this respect were you the same or different to your friends?  How did you feel about this?
    • Were you trusted with money as you were growing up?
    • Can you remember your first purchase with money of your own?  What was it?  How old were you?  How did it feel?
    • Can you remember the first time you got paid in an employment situation?  How much did you get?  What did you do with it?  How did you feel?
    • Have you ever achieved something big with money?  If so, what was it and how did it make you feel?
    • What have you done with money that makes you feel bad?
    • What have you done with money that makes you feel good?
    • What is your attitude towards people who have a lot of money?
    • What is your attitude towards people with very little money?
    • If money were a person, how would you describe your relationship with them?
    • Have you ever given money away?  How did you feel about it?
    • Has anyone ever given you money?  How did you feel about that?
    • Do you have any money secrets?  What are they?
    • What position do you want to be in with money in ten years time?
    • What do you tell yourself about money?  Do you feel guilt or regrets when you spend?
    • How do you imagine others describe your relationship to money?
    • How do you feel when you are paying bills?
    • What is the most amazing thing you have done with money?
    • Do you share the same attitudes to money as others close to you?

    * * * The Next Step * * *
    When you have finished look at your money story and see what patterns and themes exist. For example, themes of scarcity, recklessness, frugalness, hoarding, easy come easy go, money magnet etc.
    What is the overall emotional tone?
    Are you repeating your parents relationship with money?

    Yep, there’s a lot.

    Here’s how I answered:

    • What was your family’s money situation, when you were young? Tight when we first moved to NZ. Then comfortably frugal. Middle class but with no frills at all.

    • Did you learn about money? How did you learn about money? What did you learn? I don’t ever recall learning about money or sex from my family.

    • What did your mother tell you verbally or non-verbally about money?  What did your father tell you verbally or non-verbally about money? I knew they saved money on my behalf, and that they used some (most?) of it to pay for building our house when we moved here. It’s not like I really knew I had it, or how much; after all, I hadn’t earned it myself. It meant no mortgage for us.

    Mum hardly ever bought things unless they were on special. Not just at the supermarket, but literally anything you can name – clothes, electronics, etc. She’s the queen of bargains and also of opshopping. Also, she taught me to stock up on things.

    • Was money talked about in your family when you were growing up? Were you included in money conversations? No and no.

    • Did you get pocket money as a child? In this respect were you the same or different to your friends? How did you feel about this? For a while I got 50c a day (so $3.50 a week). That didn’t last long. I don’t really remember when that started/ended, or why. A lot of my friends also got allowances of similar amounts. I vaguely recall my parents giving me brother money…I seem to remember “selling” him some toys at one stage. Mum then said to Dad ‘We have to stop giving him money.”

    • Were you trusted with money as you were growing up? I used to be entrusted with going down the road to the dairy to buy milk. I did that for quite a while, until one day I managed to drop and lose those precious coins as I skipped through the park. I don’t think I ever got sent on a milk run again.

    • Can you remember your first purchase with money of your own? What was it? How old were you? How did it feel? It was probably something like food. I never bought lunch at school, although almost everyone else did at least occasionally. I always had packed lunches.

    • Can you remember the first time you got paid in an employment situation? How much did you get? What did you do with it? How did you feel? I got a paper run when I was in third form. It was a princely sum at the time – maybe $80-100 a month. I didn’t do anything with it. It went into some sort of savings account – I was 12 or 13 and didn’t have access to any money of my own at the time. It felt good, although since I never saw it, I felt a bit removed from it all. I knew I was saving it though and it would be earning interest so I was happy with that.

    • Have you ever achieved something big with money? If so, what was it and how did it make you feel? I bought my own electric guitar and amp. I think, off the top of my head, the grand total was $650 (might have been 750 even). IT FELT AMAZING. I did have a momentary twinge when it came to swiping my card, but it was the sole reason I’d been working two jobs, almost every day after school, and on the weekends too.

    • What have you done with money that makes you feel bad? I’ve done some silly things in the past. But I don’t think my financial mistakes made me feel “bad” as such – I just didn’t see them in that light. I suppose I feel bad about that first year T and I lived together. He worked so much and made decent money, but we didn’t save any of it. That’s definitely a regret, not being wiser that year and not being in control of our money.

    • What have you done with money that makes you feel good? Save enough so I hopefully will never need to rely on others. Give to charity. Treat my best friends.

    • What is your attitude towards people who have a lot of money? I guess I’m envious, and aspire to be more like them. I have two friends with very well-off families, but you’d never know it. I hope I’d be the same.

    • What is your attitude towards people with very little money? Depends. If it’s because they don’t know how to manage money and have a pattern of making poor decisions then I see it as nobody’s fault but their own. If it’s because they’re down on their luck (ie laid off), I’m sympathetic. If it’s because they’ve just spent it all travelling the world, I’m awed by them and start thinking about when I can do the same (but more responsibly/boringly).

    • If money were a person, how would you describe your relationship with them? Volatile. Sometimes I love it, sometimes I hate it. It’s all to do with how well I manage my finances though, and the relationship is a lot healthier now.

    • Have you ever given money away? How did you feel about it? Yes, I try to donate money every month. I give regularly because I can – not huge amounts, and I could give more, I’m certainly not giving away 10 per cent or anything – it’s the right thing to do. So many people are less fortunate than me. And I believe in reaping what you sow.

    • Has anyone ever given you money? How did you feel about that? My family. A mixture of grateful, and, er, reluctance to take it? I used to swing between bouts of feeling sorry for myself because so many of my friends got so much from their parents, and wanting to stand only on my own two feet. Now I try to accept gifts gratefully.

    • Do you have any money secrets? What are they? Money nearly broke my relationship. Although maybe that’s not such a big secret. And it was due to joblessness, not money directly.

    • What position do you want to be in with money in ten years time? Age 32. Hoooboy. Okay. I want to be settled in a house with a comfortable mortgage repayment. Contributing fully to Kiwisaver. Able to travel on the odd weekend, and an overseas trip at least once a year. Would be great if we could live off one salary and save the other.

    • What do you tell yourself about money? Do you feel guilt or regrets when you spend? That I am in control of it and only I can prioritise what I spend on. I hardly ever buy on impulse…rather, I plan my purchases and stalk sales, so regret is rare. While T was unemployed I did feel guilty if I bought anything for myself, and would try to smuggle them into the house and hide them away.

    • How do you imagine others describe your relationship to money? I was once told by friends I was “sensible” with money. They’d probably still say the same thing. Either that or reckless because I use my credit card for almost everything, and that’s what they see. They don’t see me paying it off every week.

    • How do you feel when you are paying bills? Indifferent. It’s gotta be done. I do it so often it’s just an automatic thing.

    • What is the most amazing thing you have done with money? Depends how you define amazing. I am amazed at how much I’ve been able to save, and especially how quickly it accumulates once I made it an almost unconscious thing, not to mention once T got a job again. And I have been able to give (aka buy) some generous gifts for others. And lend money to others as needed.

    • Do you share the same attitudes to money as others close to you? I’d say a lot of my friends are more carefree with money and more likely to blow bigger amounts on anything from alcohol to clothes. T is not much of a planner while I can’t help but look ahead, but I think  we both believe in spending money on experiences – food, travel to new places. I’m naturally frugal and will deny myself things – delayed gratification – to achieve my goals. He’s more likely to spend and deal with the consequences tomorrow.

    When you have finished look at your money story and see what patterns and themes exist. For example, themes of scarcity, recklessness, frugalness, hoarding, easy come easy go, money magnet etc. It’s not obvious from these answers, but I’ll answer them taking into account everything that’s not here. Scarcity. Uncertainty. Control (or lack of). Frugality, definitely.

    What is the overall emotional tone? A desire for independence and stability? To be able to give back and to share my fortune (not literal) with others?

    Are you repeating your parents relationship with money? I hope so. I definitely loosen the purse strings a little more – they seem to be enjoying money a bit more lately, but growing up, we never went on holidays and we only ever bought huge bottles of Coke (never cans) which always went flat before you even got halfway through them. I’d like to think I could own my house free and clear well before retirement. I’d like to one day switch gears from just ‘saving’ to ‘investing.

  • September 19, 2010

    50 questions that will free your mind, part 6

    (Previous installments can be found here.)

    26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?
    What a quandary. Basically, you’re asking me to choose between the past and the future. And because I don’t know what the future has in store for me, it’s a gamble. Do I think that I have even better things ahead of me than I’ve already experienced?

    …I guess the answer is yes. So, I’d rather lose all my old memories – grudgingly. Damn these conundrums!

    27. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first?
    Why not?

    28. Has your greatest fear ever come true?
    I’m a functioning, employed member of society with a roof over her head. Does that answer your question?

    29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now?
    No, and no. (These questions are really on the downward spiral. Still, we’re more than halfway through and I hate to give up on things.)

    30. What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special?
    I really can’t think of any specific ones. And that saddens me.

  • September 18, 2010

    Link love (Powered by cereal and down-home Vogel’s)

    But first, a few random thoughts:

    * Do you ever adjust your walking style depending on the shoes you’re wearing? For example, I walk differently – shuffle, stomp, point my toes – in my (rather unsupportive and flat) canvas sneakers than in ballet flats. Or skate shoes. Or wedges. Or heels. Or jandals.

    * Totally random conversation with a friend: I would be an East Coast girl, despite aspiring to the West Coast (mainly for the weather). Apparently I seem very “Boston”. He based this on those two great dramas bearing the city’s name, namely, Boston Legal and Boston Public. We hadn’t even had any alcohol at this stage.

    * I had a glass of wine on Friday. And I almost enjoyed it.

    * The Library Bar was not quite as awesome as I imagined it to be. Mainly due to the selection of books. Still, it’s a wicked concept.

    * And finally, rosehip oil has got to be the single most amazing liquid ever found. It’s been two? three? weeks since my skin went absolutely haywire – quite possibly due to a supposedly gentle Lush mask – and rosehip applied day and night seems to be slowly nursing my face back to a semblance of normality. Sure it makes me look greasy, but it beats the alternative.

    Okay, now down to business:

    WORK / CAREER

    Monevator sets out to get to the bottom of why more and more people seem to be finding modern work intellectually intolerable.

    Catherine shares her tips for becoming a superstar jobseeker.

    From Grow, some food for thought about social media ghost towns, and how to bow out.

    Controversial blogger Penelope Trunk wonders when it’s okay to use the F word.

    Living Well on Less shares her experience of transitioning to an at-home career.

    Finally, Amber at Blonde and Balanced has tips for freelancers on getting and rocking jobs.

    MONEY

    Living Almost Large asks when you know it’s the right time to make a major purchase.

    Thinking about taking up the small-town life? Read this post on the hidden costs of being far away from, well, almost everything, by Living Well on Less.

    FOOD

    Check out this skirt steak and blue cheese salad at Smitten Kitchen.

    Poor Girl Eats Well shares an uber-simple but tasty looking Mexican-style pasta bake.

    Asian Pear has been getting some intense cravings – and just felt the need to share them pictorially.

    And from Stone Soup, this, apparently, is tofu even carnivores will love. Hmm…

    LIFE (and everything else)

    Neurotic Workaholic voices some thoughts about plagiarism.

    Spilling Buckets blogs about maintaining friendships, despite major ideological differences.

    Jenn in Japan blogs about what happens when a former literary queen goes to live in Japan.

    The Minimal Student writes about how to create good lasting memories.

    Pear again! This time on hilarious Chinese-English mistranslations.

    And at Stratejoy, Alisha shares the reason behind her drastic haircut and some observations on culture, prejudice and self love.


  • September 17, 2010

    Do I really need it?

    electric kettle

    Image by Julia Manzerova via Flickr

    Look around our house and you’ll see that today, we have a microwave, rice cooker, crock pot, food processor, toaster. But we don’t have a kettle.

    I kept telling T we’d buy a jug once we settled in. It’s been six months. No jug.

    It’s one of those purchases I’ve been putting off because, really, do we need one? We certainly don’t have the room. There’s no cupboard space to store it, let alone counter space. The only reason we’d use it is to make hot drinks. Which is a pretty rare occasion. And the microwave does nearly as a good a job of heating up water.

    We’ve lived without a lot of appliances over the years. A toaster, microwave, kettle (usually all at once). All the other things I mentioned in that first paragraph which we now own are relatively new to us.

    Maybe you use your blender on a daily basis. Maybe you can’t live without your George Foreman grill. Everyone has different needs. For me, it’s my rice cooker. I love that thing like a child. A kettle, not so much.

    Am I nuts? Is a kettle an absolute necessity? What have you made do without?

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  • September 16, 2010

    The circle of life

    Friendship is a complicated beast. It takes many shapes and forms. Female friendship, I’m told, is especially fraught with anxieties. I don’t know; maybe bitch fights are just par for the course for some. The more intense a relationship, the more likely you are to clash at times, so maybe that’s not so surprising. Like I’ve said before, I don’t really have close female friends. I don’t like to spill everything that I’m thinking and feeling. Youknow how they say women don’t share their misery because they want answers, they just want to wallow? When others share their problems, my first instinct is to try and think of a solution, not commiserate.

    Two of my oldest friends are in a crisis. One has had enough of the other and is ready to cut ties. C says Z just doesn’t seem to care enough, to respond to messages, to make the effort to see her, to keep the friendship moving forward. While I am happy enough just to catch Z a couple times a year – she’s an insanely busy person, and I’m not going to kill myself chasing her shadow – that doesn’t seem to be enough for C.

    Sure, she can be frustrating. Things usually have to be done on her terms, but to her credit, she’s not quite as tardy or flaky as some of the others in our circle. She may not usually make it to my birthday parties, but when we do meet up, we reconnect instantly. That’s so rare, so invaluable, and maybe that’s why I give her leeway.

    We’re kindred spirits. Old souls with a dark sense of humour; she’s the one I sat next to in classes, whom I called as soon as I got home, who listened to me overanalyse every sideways glance from the boy I liked or offhand comment, who always had time to lend me her shoulder. I leaned on her and she never asked for anything in return. She understood me unlike anyone else I knew. She’s so smart that I never even contemplating competing with her, and I’m so proud of how successful she’s been and how much she’s bloomed since we escaped the microcosm of high school.

    The possibility of a rift between the two saddens me to no end. Will it weaken (or worse, break) the circle?

    But ultimately, this is a matter between them. As I told C, it comes down to this: Are you getting out what you put in? And if not, are you happy with it? All friendships ebb and flow. We take turns pushing and pulling. Sometimes we’re the ones making the effort to keep the flame alive, sometimes the dynamic reverses. And sometimes, that discrepancy becomes too big to handle.

  • September 15, 2010

    Food diary: Week 2

    I’m aiming to eat fruit and/or vegetables every single day this month. Week 1 was almost totally a success; here’s how the second week went down:

    September 8
    Breakfast: Buttered toast
    Lunch: Apple, coconut scones, homemade vege/chicken pizza
    Dinner: Sausages with silverbeet and gravy/sour cream. Hot roll on the side. Chocolate cake with yoghurt

    September 9
    Breakfast: Hash brown and toast
    Lunch: Creamy potato and lentil dahl with rice, chocolate and almond muesli bar
    Dinner: Fried cabbage with roast chicken, chocolate cake with sour cream

    September 10

    Breakfast: Hash brown and toast
    Lunch: Creamy potato and lentil dahl with rice, coconut scones, apple
    Dinner: Pizza, a couple mouthfuls of chow mein (veges and meat), followed by ice cream.

    September 11
    Breakfast: Rice Bubbles and milk (okay, with a sprinkling of sugar)
    Lunch: Lemon curd muffin, chocolate almond muesli bar, six-inch from Subway (Spicy Italian on honey oat bread)
    Dinner: Baked potato with sour cream, roast chicken, two hash browns

    September 12
    Breakfast: Rice Bubbles and milk (okay, with a sprinkling of sugar)
    Lunch: Coconut scones, six-inch from Subway (Spicy Italian on honey oat bread)
    Dinner: Sirloin steak and silverbeet, followed by a bowl of Double Crunch and milk (a little like Crunchy Nut but cheaper)

    September 13
    Breakfast: Rice Bubbles and milk (okay, with a sprinkling of sugar)
    Lunch: Three bite sized lemon muffins, berry yoghurt, baked potato with aioli
    Dinner: A handful of Twisties, potato and egg salad, burrito wraps (chicken, lettuce, spinach, tomato, cheese)

    September 14
    Breakfast: Cornflakes and milk
    Lunch: Banana, berry yoghurt, burrito wrap
    Dinner: Tom Yum soup with noodles, chicken, mushrooms and capsicum.

    Result: Total win for me!

  • September 14, 2010

    So young, so jaded.

    I’m tired of hearing people say “Writing is my passion.”

    Why does nobody ever say “Accounting/Chemistry/Physics/Law/Greek/Programming is my passion?”

    There seems to be something noble about aspiring to make a living through the arts.

    But in two, five, even ten years, when you’re working thankless hours for a pittance, you might be rethinking that plan.

    And maybe by that stage, you won’t be so passionate about putting pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard, anymore.

  • September 13, 2010

    August roundup

    July was a bit of an aberration, thanks to my birthday. August was plain out of control, what with T starting work and the extra expenditure on groceries for lunches, gas, and work expenses. And clothes – while he gets a uniform, he still has to supply his own pants, and he was in dire need of some other new things. I’m serious when I tell you that he has probably no more than four items of any kind of clothing at one time. And most of them – tees, singlets, shoes – are worn out, damaged or lost in a quarterly rotation, by which time we have to hit the shops again.


    Anyway. I finally had a chance to sit down and take a look at our accounts. While in some respects we did better than I thought, in others….

    HIGHLIGHTS

    Clothes: I’ve touched on that. He still needs a fair few more things, but he’s got the essentials for now.

    Debt: Paying me back for the Visa. I guess once that’s done and dusted, it’ll be time to aggresively tackle his very last debt.

    Dining: Doing good on eating out! Just haven’t had the time or energy lately. T has his own spending money, but sometimes eats out on the joint account. I’m not sure whether to categorise that in ‘dining out’, or relegate it to the status of extra “fun” money (like I did this month). I mean, if I buy lunch on that card, I call it dining, but I don’t have separate blow money. It probably makes the most sense just to call it dining out from now.

    Fees: this month were high, thanks to the six monthly Visa and True Rewards charge

    Groceries: A five week month, yes, but jeepers! Still, I did say we might ease our limit a little. We definitely bought a lot of spices this month, a few non-food items, plus more food for work lunches, and things like cheeses etc.

    Home: Bought an external hard drive, finally. Plus a planter box and some plants.

    Mystery shopping: A meal and drinks out, plus shaving cream and a face mask from Lush. The latter smelled luscious but inflamed my skin after a second use. (I thought their products were pretty natural, but I’m still seeing glycol and stearic acid listed…hmmm?) Thankfully didn’t pay out of pocket for that.

    Saving: With T back in work, I managed to save $1000 from my day job, plus another $461. (This number’s never right due to the way I manage my cashflow. And I don’t count his savings into this picture.)

    Vehicle: UGH. We paid almost $150 for six months of registration, plus something like $300 on repairs and the rest on gas / my bus fares. Our poor car is still falling apart – the damp issue is still an issue, we may need a new battery, and the backlights on the dash aren’t working.

    Extra income: I netted $629.30 this month, mostly thanks to my tax refund (the rest came from tutoring, mystery shopping and a cheque from Smilecity). Most of that I saved (or put towards our hard drive). I’m also still waiting on some outstanding invoices to be paid…and really wish they’d hurry up! My travel fund (and bills account thanks to recent car troubles) could use the boost.

  • September 12, 2010

    Talking it out

    Continuing on in my vein of chick-lit with a difference, I finished Woman on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown last month. To start with, it’s kind of autobiographical – it’s in the non fiction section, and it’s based on Lorna Martin’s Grazia (shudder) column Conversations with my Therapist. Although she’s a first time novelist, she happens to be an award winning Observer journalist who’s reported from Bosnia, Albania, Romania, Benin, Malawi, Jamaica and Thailand (talk about an impressive CV!).

    Basically, she seems like the kind of accomplished, together modern woman we all aspire to be. But she’s lonely, stressed, and depressed. Oh, and her relationships with men! She’s brave enough to admit she’s seeing a married man, and to lay it all out on the line – the clinginess, the desperate texts, calls and emails. It was all so self destructive, it was hard to read. For someone so afraid of rejection, she sure didn’t seem to have a problem making a fool of herself (I mean that in the kindest possible way).

    Like many people, she says, she never thought she needed therapy. That was for the weak and needy, the self-absorbed. But as she found out, uncovering memories she didn’t know she had helped her to identify patterns in her life, to deal with issues and learn to like and respect herself again. Apparently, everything we do in our adult lives stems from childhood. This is very much a theme toward the end, as Lorna grows more self-aware, and (a little cringingly) describes herself as learning to be her “own parent”. This was probably the part I least enjoyed .

    (Incidentally…I once harboured ambitions of becoming a psychologist. Nobly, perhaps, I wanted to help others, who didn’t breeze through life, but, like me, stumbled over cracks in the ground, or over their own feet.)

    Looking inward, I don’t think I have to explore very far into my past to see where some of my biggest issues come from. I’ve got an ingrained fear of conflict; I hate arguments and I don’t even like debating with my closest friends. I don’t feel like I was ever taught how to. I was on the debating team briefly in high school, which helped, but growing up, my parents didn’t argue constructively. I have memories of hiding in my room listening to their raised voices through the walls, and feeling a little ball of stress form in my stomach. To this day, when I’m worried or nervous, I feel it in my tummy first. They would not negotiate with me, either: their word was always final and inflexible.

    On a related note (and I don’t know specifically why this is) I have a fear just of speaking up and voicing my opinion. Maybe it’s a fear of being wrong, looking stupid, losing face. After a few years in my current job, and feeling confident in my understanding of our systems and my contributions, I’m a lot better about piping up at work. I also think having a fairly tight-knit and supportive environment in third-year journalism helped my confidence quotient a lot. I still detest public speaking, but thankfully, I’m not in a field where I have to make presentations or give speeches.

    The other thing that cripples me is a fear of criticism. I think I’ve gotten a lot better over the years, but let’s face it, I haven’t had to deal with too much of it. I did well in school and university; I seem to be good at my job. Probably the worst part is under pressure, I blush bright red and start sweating. Even if I’m taking constructive criticism to heart (ie, not personally), I don’t exactly look like I’m keeping my cool…more like I’m about to rush off to the ladies’ for a cry.

    One other thing which stuck with me from the book was the assertion that most people can benefit from some kind of therapy, but that some things are just too painful for some people to deal with- and it can be better for them simply to almost bury it and move on. While generally I think ignoring problems is a bad idea, I kind of agree on this count – but of course, it depends on so many things. I had a patch of trouble with my family towards the end of high school. I moved out on bad terms, made a life for myself and never went back, although I’m sure they envisaged I eventually would. We’ve never really talked it out or acknowledged that time, but I think the distance and independence has done the job. I was angry and hurt for a long time; but now, I can have a conversation with my parents, tolerate their idiosyncracies, and ask for their opinions or advice if I need to.

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