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Browsing category: Uncategorized

  • May 5, 2016

    Leaving saved my marriage

    How an ultimatum saved my marriage

    I have never really believed in ultimatums.

    But there were no other options left.

    If the price of stability and a home was being alone, I realised I would take that deal in a heartbeat. See also: Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.

    You need to set your own boundaries; decide:

    what you want and need

    what you can and cannot accept

    what you expect and deserve

    It isn’t selfish to put your own oxygen mask on first. To stay true to your own goals. To refuse to  allow someone else to derail your dreams and hold you back.

    The end of 2015 was a low, low point for us. I think we both found ourselves disappointed in one another, to varying degrees.

    It was an opportunity to reevaluate our priorities (or, for me at least, to reinforce mine and validate my decision), and have the space to take a step back and reflect.

    Sometimes, you gotta burn things down if there’s going to be any hope of rebuilding them again.

  • May 3, 2016

    The one in which I talk about bras

    stella mccartney stella lace plunge bra

    Currently mooning over…

    They say most women are wearing the wrong bra size. You’ve probably heard it a million times; I know I have. Like ‘tailor your cover letter’, it’s something I know, and understand, but it took a long time to truly CLICK.

    Thanks to Reddit’s A Bra That Fits, I’ve been re-educating myself. I’ve never been properly fitted in my life. For one, budget meant I never went to the kinds of places where they had professionally trained staff – and those kinds of stores intimidated me to hell anyway. Add to that the fact that I barely needed a bra at all and there was just no point. I muddled through and congratulated myself on being able to get away with not having to spend tons on pricey bras, unlike my chestier friends.

    But recently all my bras more or less reached the end of their usable lives at once. I figured, let’s do this right!

    Reddit was right. I needed a smaller band and bigger cup. And as it turns out, shape is really important! Lots of styles just won’t work for me. There’s really nothing to it but trying a bunch of brands and sizes, as they’re all so different. (I think that Stella McCartney just might be my holy grail brand … but wow, they are NOT cheap. For now, I’m making do with other brands until I can jump on a sale or bring myself to shell out.)

    To be honest, I’m still on the hunt for the honest-to-goodness perfect bra, if it exists. Realistically, it’s a crapshoot. The odds are terrible. Consider all the variables: width, height, spacing, projection, firmness, fullness (and that’s across both vertical and horizontal planes)…

    But having a pro fitter actually in there with me, sizing me up and bringing me specific bras that she thought would fit well, was life-changing.

    Fun fact: I’ve been putting them on wrong forever. See, I assumed bras should just FIT and if not, well then they’re the wrong size – you shouldn’t have to manipulate yourself to fit into a bra. But no, the scoop-and-swoop technique is for real. In Japan, they even had a step-by-step diagram in the changing room of the bra shop I went into explaining exactly how to scoop and swoop.

    Even more galling? T knew ALL THIS TIME and never said a word. Duh, he said, you’ve basically just been using them as nipple covers (um, yeah! That’s all I needed!)

    In short: my husband knows more about bras than I do, and wearing bras that fit is rocking my world.


  • April 30, 2016

    Link love (the gratitude edition)

    NZMuse - Link love roundup with awesome reads from the week

    I had originally hoped to buy a house one or two suburbs over, ever so slightly closer to the city (it was a bit of a long shot, to be honest).

    I’m glad I didn’t. It worked out for the best.

    I love that there are so many great places to run and walk with the pup (and a dog park around the corner). Two major cycleways/walking paths, one that passes horses and vineyards. A short bush/forest trail, even.

    I love that we are close to crazy cheap supermarkets and grocers, and down the road from an amazing bakery.

    And I love the fact that I can actually get a seat on the train (because it fills up FAST along this line).

    I live nearly equidistant from two train stations – they’re about 20 minutes walk from home, though one is slightly closer and can be easily done in 15 at a brisk pace. The train station is just a couple of minutes from my office at the city end. And the train is just so darn civilised – it’s smooth, great for people watching and occasionally there’s wifi.

    There is a bus stop practically on my doorstep but it’s slightly more expensive and less frequent. Plus, traffic.  Ugh. There lots of roadworks on nearby so it takes forever to get to the motorway (but at least once on the motorway it’s fine, plus the sea views and the horses near the onramp are easy on the eye). It is a longer walk at the city end to my office (10-15 minutes) but slightly less walking overall still, and it’s more sheltered if it’s raining.

    This week’s links

    Luck matters – more than you might think

    The biggest wastes of time we regret

    Every dream starts with this

    Simple pleasures

    Why we read

    Succumbing to lifestyle inflation

    A better approach to networking

    Convincing a partner to get a better job

    And a succinct but bang-on summary of the Auckland housing market

  • April 27, 2016

    Should you leave your unemployed partner?

    Should you leave a chronically unemployed partner?

    You are not a terrible person if you’re thinking of leaving a chronically underemployed/unemployed partner. We only get one life, and you’re allowed to put your own interests first. Love is lovely … but so is peace of mind and financial security. In some circumstances it might be blindingly obvious whether to stay or go. But in others it’s not – this one’s for you. (For the record: While things seem to be back on track, I’m keeping things separate so that they’re easy to untangle again if needed.)

    How did I know I couldn’t keep going?

    When I asked myself, is this relationship adding net value to my life? I could no longer say yes.

    For all the good, the bad outweighed it, and had been for a long time.

    Nobody knows all the gory details. They don’t need to. Honestly, I could have coped with it all – as long as he had a full time job. But all those things, combined with zero income … different story. Especially given the fact that going separate ways would render him eligible for unemployment benefits.

    It is damn hard to tell where supporting becomes enabling, and being taken advantage of.

    I am far from blameless. I made mistakes. There are many things I could have done better. And I’m much wiser for it.

    I held on too long. Then I came to a crossroads.

    I could keep being passive. And I would almost certainly wind up bitter and drained. Probably having a breakdown and having to take time off work – ironically, the only thing keeping us afloat financially, not to mention the only good thing in my life.

    Or I could cut my losses. Put myself first for once. Heal from the toll of two years of uncertainty and stress.

    Life was exhausting. Going from carrying the weight of two people to just me – it was infinitely lighter. I can’t quantify the relief I felt; I slept like a baby those first few nights after leaving.

    There was second-guessing, of course. There always is. But after months of internal back-and-forth, I knew it was the right call. I’d done so much soul searching and so much reading, in pursuit of the answer.

    What it boils down to, is that the discussions in these three threads hit me like a ton of bricks. Realising that we might never be financially stable  together. And I simply could not live that way.

    It’s so important to have a financially responsible partner.

    It takes two. You cannot do it all yourself. And nor should you.

    Love and trying isn’t enough.

    Love is not willingness to live in a cardboard box together.

    Love is doing whatever it takes to not get to that point.

  • April 20, 2016

    Screw your false dichotomies – we don’t need ’em

    It's not always an either or - the myth of false dichotomies

    Ever heard someone spout something along these lines?

    “I’d rather be broke and healthy than rich and sick”

    “I’d rather be broke and happy than rich and alone”

    I hate that. SO MUCH. I find those kinds of sayings pretty darn disingenuous.

    Being broke doesn’t automatically preclude you from being unhealthy. Fruit and veges aren’t cheap. Healthcare and medicine cost money. Broke and sick is just as much a possibility as rich and healthy!

    Being broke doesn’t guarantee you a great relationship. Money stress is a huge strain on any couple. If anything, financial security is a good thing for the overall health of any relationship!

    Please, let’s stop pretending lack of money automatically makes you a better or happier person somehow.

    Personal finance is full of these weird black/white dichotomies.

    But it’s not always an either/or.

    Devoted, loving, domestic partner who makes no money, vs a workaholic, emotionally unavailable baller.

    Screw that. You deserve better.

    A cute apartment in the central city vs a McMansion in the suburbs.

    Or in my city and my price range: overpriced, cramped apartment vs leaky townhouse vs humble older do up house. Sure, there are modern suburban McMansions, but most of us aren’t buying those – we’re buying the small 1960s-70s do-up houses that we can actually afford.

    A job you love paying poverty wages vs a job you hate paying six figures.

    Sure. There’s a reason many jobs pay the big bucks. But not all low-paying jobs are awesome. There are also shitty jobs that pay poorly and great jobs that pay well. Highly paid jobs are typically stressful, but you know what? In many cases, so are low paying jobs. And they usually also have less flexibility and autonomy. It’s hard to love a dream job forever if it means you can’t live the life you want to live overall.

    A $1k beater vs a brand new car you’ll be paying off forever.

    I’m biased here – buying cheap cars we could afford in cash never worked out well for us. Borrowing for a car was the best car decision I’ve ever made. We’ll stick to used cars around the $10k range, thanks. Obviously, be smart about getting a car loan if you go that route.

    You don’t have to settle for one or the other. Remember that.

  • April 16, 2016

    Link love (powered by stew and strolls)

    NZ Muse link loveI think I need to accept that life just never gets easier. Yes, you become stronger and smarter but as your resilience grows, so do the hurdles. Gone are the days of high-school-sized issues and injustices. It doesn’t seem fair, but them’s the breaks.

    Women are awesome. My closest IRL friends may be male, and have been incredible supports when I needed it, but there are some things they will simply never understand. From crushes in long term relationships to emotional labour and pulling your financial weight, female friends get the gender dynamics that my dudes don’t.

    I’m very passionate about the state of the housing market and the huge effects it has on people’s lives – mostly from a quite personal angle, but also at a more macro, societal level.  A spirited conversation about this at our weekly all staff meeting about this very topic and what it all means for New Zealanders – especially in retirement – got me quite fired up and reaffirms that I’m in the right place (both at work and at home). It’s incredible how much difference it makes being free of the “emotional and financial challenges of renting”, as it was put.

    This week’s links

    A great post on household division of labour and finances when the woman earns more (because things do not always fall neatly along the lines of High Earning Busy Spouse and Low Earning But With Lots of Flexibility Spouse)

    Sherry sums up some thoughts on the circular logic of early retirement/financial independence more eloquently than I ever could have

    Sometimes, YOU’RE the rich friend

    A couple of  things about poverty

    How important is job satisfaction, really?

    Graduating beyond frugal habits 

    You’re making life harder for yourself

    What does money mean to you?

    Sometimes less is just less – minimalism within reason, guys

  • April 13, 2016

    Money matters – whether we admit it or not

    Money matters - even if we don't like to admit it

    You know what? I love money and I don’t care who knows it.

    For so long, the underlying driver in my life has been fear.

    What it comes down to is money. Money means security and options and ultimately freedom.

    Money:

    keeps a roof over my head

    puts (good) food in my belly

    pays for my health care

    lets me enjoy my free time

    You know what else?

    I want to be spoiled. Not all the time. But on the odd special occasion.

    I want to treat my friends. Turns out when I have enough, I’m a giver.

    Having money in my bank account lets me sleep at night.

    No money = stress.

    Stress and happiness are mutually exclusive.

    Money = peace of mind.

    And peace of mind is happiness.

    The form you have selected does not exist.

  • April 6, 2016

    All the money I’ve wasted renting

    All the money I've wasted renting

    Ten years of renting was a few too many, personally.

    Non refundable agent’s fees

    A week’s rent plus GST – many, many times over.

    Bonds you never see in full again

    Fair enough in some cases, but definitely not in others.  And as a tenant you’re at a vast disadvantage here.

    Carpet cleaning

    Expensive carpet cleaning fees are included in leases by agencies – big and small alike – everywhere. Tenancy law information online seems to suggest these are unlawful, or ‘unenforceable’, but practically speaking, if it’s in the contract what are you going to do, kick up a fuss? There’s a dire shortage of housing in Auckland and it’s hard enough to secure a rental as it is.

    Dodgy utilities

    I was briefly in a very strange situation where I was in charge of the power bill, and everyone was supposed to split it evenly with me, but there was also a separate couple subletting the self contained downstairs rooms from one of the other flatmates/tenants (who was also the mother of my friend and fellow flatmate), and that flatmate was charging them a flat all inclusive rent and not including them in the power bill split. Yeah, try wrapping your head around that. Then there was the shitty apartment where you had to use their electricity provider – there was no other choice – and that provider had only one plan and no low user option, meaning we were stuck with higher prices than we would be paying on the free market.

    Buying and selling things

    Every move forces change of some sort – buying or selling appliances and/or furniture depending on each individual property’s size and what is or isn’t provided with it. Fridges, washing machines, tables, couches … It gets old.

    Lost and broken stuff

    I’ve had countless possessions go missing or break due to flatmates. No point having nice stuff.

    And I can’t put a dollar amount on it, but…

    So much time and stress. Taking time off during the work day to dart out to viewings (always within business hours) and to agency offices to sign papers.

    Literally months of uncertainty over the years when you know you have to move and scramble to find a new place (about six months total in 2015 alone).

    Fighting shitty landlords trying to blame us for things going wrong with the house, so they wouldn’t have to foot the bill for their own maintenance and repairs.

    So, so glad not to be living what amounts to a temporary life anymore.

  • April 2, 2016

    Link love (the settling in edition)

    NZ Muse link love

    There’s quite a few things I need to furnish my house, but it will be a slow process as I’m on a tight budget.

    As with clothing, my preference is to buy second hand and get better quality.

    I find myself walking a fine line, though. Obviously, I want pieces that are solid and in good shape, that look presentable. Not necessarily pristine – after all they’re going to take a battering in my household! But I don’t want items that have already sustained actual injuries in the line of war, like rips and tears.

    This week’s links

    PSA: fill up your own cup first

    The funnel of financial privilege

    What money is really for

    Income as power

    A millennial and baby boomer trade places

    What travel does for (and to) you

    When you find yourself surprised by what you want out of life

    A life without writing

    The comments on this post are really quite excellent

  • March 30, 2016

    So you want to buy a house in Auckland?

    So you want to buy a house in Auckland?

    It’s funny that buying a house is one of the most stressful times in life, and a time when you’re also forced to deal with all sorts of horrible people – realtors, bankers, lawyers. (I don’t say that in a mean-hearted way; I was once a journalist, one of the most reviled jobs on the most-hated professions list every year.)

    That said, I encountered NO END of awful agents and nightmarish properties.

    Allow me to rant a little about…

    The houses themselves

    There are so many damn things to watch out for, the most obvious being leaky homes. But then there’s also all sorts of other materials to be wary of. Asbestos in older houses. Weatherside (I’d never heard of it before), a cladding that looks just like hardiplank but not as sturdy, and falls apart.

    Then there’s unconsented work to look out for, or things that don’t match the plans.

    I wasn’t opposed to buying a do-up, but do-ups need to be affordable enough in the first place to make financial sense (because you still need to pay for all the renovations!) and in no case did the prices stack up. Plus there were basically no “light” do-ups. They were universally in dire need of a total overhaul… and when you’re spending half a million dollars, you want it to be somewhat liveable off the bat.

    And other stuff

    I lost count of how many times I turned up to an open home (or emailed about a listed property to organise a viewing) only to be told that it was already under contract. Look, I get why they continue to do showings when an offer is still conditional, but I think it’s lame not to be upfront about it, when it’s rare for contracts to fall through. I can only think of about one instance where I saw the actual house listing had been edited to say “under contract” online, in every other instance it was a case of ‘surprise’!

    Speaking of agents, not to tar ‘em all with one brush, but the majority I had the misfortune of crossing paths with were useless. Can’t tell you anything, or won’t tell you anything – well, I’m not going to get a lawyer to check the plans or a builder to inspect the place for every single house I have a modicum of interest in!

    I suspect it’s damn near impossible to actually use KiwiSaver funds toward the deposit that goes to the seller’s lawyer. They say you need at least 10 days to process the withdrawal, and that’s a long time. I only had five days to go unconditional – my KiwiSaver money went toward the remaining balance for settlement.

    And can I add the weird mind games that come about when bidding on a house? There were eight on this one. You’re in to win and then at the end of it all, second guessing yourself – am I paying too much?

    Also, I (perhaps naively) imagined my broker would be 100% in the know and up to date with all things KiwiSaver and home-buying related. Not quite the case.

    Hey, vendor’s lawyers: how about being prompt with sending through the dang statement with the final sum to settle? Do you want a deal or not? Because I want to pay you. Seriously.

    Finally, dear bank: so my passport expired a week after my mortgage draw down / settlement day, and months after my initial approval, and you need an updated form of ID now? And are you seriously going to ask me for updated ID every few years?

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