fbpx
  • Link love (the looking back edition)

    I’ve just finished reading How To Be An Adult In Relationships, which a couple of people have recommended.

    It was probably the wrong time to pick it up, as in months too late; and to be frank it didn’t meet my personal expectations overall. It got off to a slow start and I almost gave up but I’m glad I didn’t, as it improved from there. If it reinforced one thing for me, it’s how much our parents and childhood shape our ability to relate to others as adults…! There were definitely quite a few parts that spoke deeply to me, and I thought I’d share them here.

    • Are you happy together more than half the time? Would you stay in a relationship with someone you loved if you were unhappy?
    • Here are the words of an adult: “Even though ……… I have to let you go because you do not meet me at my soul/adult level.”
    • We need conflict in order to evolve from romantic projection to mature self-affirmation.
    • Am I in a relationship with someone who presses down on my lively energy like an incubus, an invisible yet nonetheless weighty presence? Why do I allow anyone to limit my energy?
    • Ask for what you want 100 percent of the time. Say yes to yourself twice as often as you say no, but be willing to compromise.
    • Sometimes it is necessary to let my feelings happen without acting on them. Sometimes holding is more important to my growth than releasing. This means surrendering control over my feelings and riding them where they may go or stay.
    • Being compassionate does not mean becoming a caretaker. (And there’s an excellent chart contrasting the two)
    • “How shall I proceed? Do I wait for her to change, or do I find a way to take care of myself and attend to my concerns using my own resources?”

    This week’s links

    Stop telling me to quit my job!

    “One of the many things I was tired of was the constant judgment of women …the constant message that being sexy means being naked.” Preach, Alicia Keys!

    On keeping creativity and money separate

    Calling out a racist

    On balancing saving and life (I can’t handle multiple goals at once either!)

    Letting go of stress

    All the ways we get ripped off just by living in NZ

    Spending no more than $150 on food for five days ‘do-able but pretty miserable’ for family of six (we spend about this much for 2 people for a week and are reasonably frugal -we would struggle to pull this off even if we cut right back!)

  • How much does it cost to get a dog?

    I think it goes without saying that pets are a quality of lifestyle choice. They’re never going to save or make you money. And yet they’re worth it all.

    We adopted Leila in the spur of the moment.

    The plan was always to get a dog, but actually going to the SPCA one weekend – before the purchase of my house was entirely completed – was done on a whim. We fell in love with her and filled out the paperwork that day.

    Once I got the house keys the following week, T set about making sure the yard was ready and the fence hole free, arranged the property inspection and went back to visit her at the SPCA in the interim.

    And then, the day we physically moved into this house was the day we picked up Leila and brought her home. It was a manic time and it would have probably been easier to wait a while as per my original plan!

    While I haven’t been tracking everything closely, here’s  a rough guide to our dog set up costs.

    Dog adoption fee – $265

    Can find puppies for sale in each state from Puppy Joy, it cost $265 to adopt our dog from Auckland SPCA. She was an adult dog; puppies cost a little more. She was up to date with her vaccinations and won’t need more for many months.

    Collar, leash, bowl, bed, brush – $140

    Kind of a rough guess here, but ballpark? We need to replace her collar as it has stretched out over the past few months. She also has her own designated armchair which she sleeps on (a crappy old one that is still usable but not comfortable) and is probably a huge step up from her now-chewed bed.

    Kennel – $170

    We sprung for a cabana style kennel – it’s lightweight and easily portable and made of similar material to the bed she had at the SPCA. While she spends most of the time indoors when we’re at home, during the work day she’s roaming around outdoors. There are a few trees for shade and our deck is mostly covered but it’s still quite open, and now that winter is here…

    Obedience classes – $70

    Perhaps not strictly necessary, but probably a good idea. She’s well behaved but far from perfect, and as a first time owner I have lots to learn.  And if we put her into agility training later on, she needs to have completed this course first.




    How much your dog costs to feed is going to vary. Leila eats about 2 cups of dry food a day. We started with a 15kg bag of kibble which was on deep discount – it cost about $30 but is normally closer to $50. I imagine this would have lasted 2 months if this was all she ate, but there’s still a bit left. We mix up her diet a lot, with some raw meat (which she absolutely loves), canned food and dog roll.

    Dogs need stuff to occupy them too, and you can spend as much or as little on toys as you want. I’ve made her a few toys out of household odds ends – mainly old clothes and rags, sheets etc, and she’s claimed a small stuffed toy that used to be mine, as well as random balls that we had lying around. We’ve probably spent about $100 (ouch) on toys. There’s a Kong food toy in which we put food to help with skin allergies, a Kong tennis ball (because she decimates normal tennis balls), a food puzzle ball toy, a tug rope monkey, a fake chew bone and there was an orange rattle toy that also got destroyed.

    Flea treatments can be bought at the supermarket and they do go on sale! I bought a 3-month pack for about $30.

    We still need to enrol her with a vet, and do something about her claws and teeth which are probably due for maintenance. Sigh.


  • Financial privileges I have (and haven’t) had

    FINANCIAL PRIVILEGES I HAVE HAD

    It’s so easy to get caught up in focusing on what we don’t have. (Guilty as charged, on a daily basis!)

    For example:

    • I left home young – no cellphone, no computer, no car, just some clothes, books and my guitar – and became financially independent at 17
    • I don’t work in an industry known for being lucrative and my skills skew more creative, less practical
    • I don’t have an equal financial partner; our relationship has spanned multiple bouts of unemployment/underemployment that add up to probably tens of thousands spent supporting us solely on my income

    But I’ve also had so many financial privileges in my life. I don’t know where I would be without these things today.

    Let’s see:

    I grew up in a financially stable home

    I never wanted for anything. I have financially savvy parents and money was never a taboo topic. I came away with an understanding of the importance of saving, and I  was encouraged to focus on the future and think about career paths.

    I received a full tuition scholarship

    My merit scholarship paid for my university fees. Between the student allowance and paid work, I was able to cover my living costs and graduated basically debt-free. Otherwise, 12 cents out of every dollar I earn today would be going toward student loan repayments.

    I’ve never been unemployed

    Despite entering the workforce during the GFC, I have always been employed. The work I do also aligns well with freelancing/side hustling.

    The stockmarket has been kind to me so far

    It even helped me with my house deposit. I never intended to use that money for a down payment – it was invested for the long term originally – but it worked out well.

    I’ve benefited from family support

    This ties back in to my first point, too. My parents looked after me during my separation, offered help with the purchase of my house and were in a position to lend me money towards it so I could buy something decent.

    What financial privileges have you had?

    *Part of Financially Savvy Saturdays on brokeGIRLrich, Disease Called Debt and Frugal in SA

  • Link love (powered by fires and rain)

     

    • The other week I went to my first ever No Lights No Lycra session. Basically, you get together in a public hall, turn the lights off and dance to music for an hour. Sounds weird but it’s incredibly fun! Look for the Facebook group if you’re interested.

     

    • I realised I’ve been undersalting food all my life and only now am I really starting to understand what a difference salt makes to a dish (no surprise, I’m a far superior food critic than I am a cook)

     

    • At all of my jobs (minus the first) my boss has either left, or gone on parental leave at some point. I inevitably get asked if I’m going to apply for the position – and in every case I’ve had no interest in doing so. Not quite sure what that says about me and my aspirations.

    This week’s links

    7 fresh ways to save money with heart

    The privilege of chasing your dreams

    When your romantic partner isn’t holding up their end of the bargain

    A fascinating read on class and politics in the Trump era

    Money => security => easier to save money

    27 lessons about money

    (Mostly) free ways to show love

    Life lessons from growing up poor

    Good vs bad reasons to quit

    10 things to know about work by age 30

    Banking happiness for tough times

    Finally, I’m way late on the party to this one, but for anyone who feels they’re falling behind:

    “Most of our unhappiness stems from the belief that our lives should be different than they are. We believe we have control — and our self-loathing and self-hatred comes from this idea that we should be able to change our circumstances, that we should be richer or hotter or better or happier. While self-responsibility is empowering, it can often lead to this resentment and bitterness that none of us need to be holding within us. “
  • How getting a dog changed my life

    Getting a dog changed my life

    It’s safe to say that getting a dog was very high on the agenda after buying a house. (A refresher: NZ is heinously pet unfriendly when it comes to renting – “No pets and no smokers” reads basically every rental listing ever.)

    I had no idea how to choose a dog, really. I wanted to adopt pretty much every single dog listed for adoption on TradeMe, and once at the SPCA, it was just as tough. Heartbreaking, really (I may have gotten a bit teary.) Especially the older ones.

    This little lass was just over a year old and had been awaiting adoption for many months. Her previous family lived in government housing and couldn’t keep her.

    She’s super affectionate, very alert and aware. She has to sniff ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING and find out what you’re up to.

    She’s also a bit of a chewer, although hopefully that will fade with age.

    She settled in quite quickly, I thought, but a coworker said it would probably take time. And indeed, a couple months in she’s suddenly started to REALLY play with her toys properly – in particular the first two I ever got her – and it warms my heart.

    Also, turns out that talking out loud to something that doesn’t talk back isn’t as unnatural as I thought it would be.

    Owning a dog has forced/taught me to be:

    Tidier

    I’ve always struggled with neatness. I have some Type A tendencies that I tap into in order to combat my core messiness and keep on top of life, but organised chaos tends to be how I roll. Now I’m learning to shut doors, put things away, and this dovetails nicely with home ownership as I can now finally store stuff away and know that’s how it’s going to be as long as I want it that way. I’m not much for decor, but practical solutions I can get behind … and home storage is my new addiction. Basket, shelves, hooks, racks … I want them all!

    More active

    It’s always a struggle, especially in winter. We live near some great parks and tracks, luckily, and often run into other friendly dogs along the way.

    Patient

    I’m not a naturally patient person. But I know I need to lead calmly by example and focus on positive reinforcement. While she’s quite well behaved there’s room to improve (and I have lots to learn too) and we’re just about to start obedience classes!




    She brings me so much joy. I look forward to seeing her at the end of every day, and it makes me want to rush home. Sometimes she’s a pain in the ass; for a couple of dark days early on I was afraid we’d bitten off more than we could chew, that she’d never calm down and be manageable. But I wouldn’t give her up for the world.

  • Link love (the hustling edition)

    NZ Muse link love

    In the past I’ve said yes to freelance opportunities that turned out to be huge pains in the ass, more often than not. So I was a bit wary about one that recently crossed my path. But happily – even though it was in an industry I have zero interest in – between their ridiculously lovely and passionate boss, the great brand story, their willingness to pay good rates and just generally being nice to work with, it was surprisingly fun.

    Finding satisfaction in work is a multi-headed beast.

    This week’s links

    What to do with your broke but wonderful boyfriend (such a surprisingly common problem!)

    I work hard to meet my needs – and even harder for my wants

    The real problem with all those ‘How I got out of tons of debt fast’ articles

    The tenets of financial wellbeing

    A lovely story of compromise and coming together on money

    When to give up and when not to

    Finally, there’s lots of good stuff in Sheryl Sandberg’s commencement speech, which I’m just catching up on now. I am glad she acknowledges her immense privilege – it completely aligns with my post earlier this week on the value of financial security when you’re going through hardship. Sucky times suck bad enough without having to stress about money, too.

  • All else being equal – wouldn’t you rather have the money?

    Wouldn't you rather have the money?

    Money can’t buy everything, it’s true.

    But when going through hard times for whatever reason, I know I’d rather not add financial stress to the fire.

    Seriously: would you rather be suffering while broke or suffering while  financially secure? It’s a no brainer.

    Going through a separation or divorce? Imagine adding the constant stress of struggling to pay the day to day bills, on top of all that.

    Going through health issues? Wouldn’t you want the option of the best treatment money can buy?

    Hard times are hard enough without having to worry about finances. Having money reduces that burden; shrinks the heap.

    All the health and marital woes I’ve gone through stem directly from financial stress and struggle. The one thing I was grateful for during that time was that at least I wasn’t trying to do it on a journalist’s salary at that point. Literally every problem I’ve been saddled with in adulthood could have been solved with money in one way or another. (Yes, I’ve been fortunate in that regard, and I do acknowledge this.)

    To everyone who says that the hardest experiences they’ve gone through were when they actually had plenty of money (subtext: and it didn’t do me a damn bit of good!), here’s an honest question for you. I ask: would you rather have endured those shitty times WITHOUT the money?

    Of course you would give up the money to make the Bad Thing go away, that’s a given. But that’s not the question here; it’s not would you rather be free of the Bad Thing and in exchange go back to being broke? The question is, if the Bad Thing was unavoidable, would you prefer to deal with the crisis while being financially stable … or not?

    Take life insurance, for example. It can’t make up for the loss of a loved one, but it can alleviate or eliminate major worries during an already difficult time.

    It’s incredibly freeing to not have to make decisions solely based on the dollars and cents. To have the option of thinking about overall value, rather than just the bottom line.

    Life is expensive. Having money means having choices.

    Wouldn’t you rather have the money?

    *Part of Financially Savvy Saturdays on brokeGIRLrich, Disease Called Debt and Frame to Freedom*

  • Link love (the salted caramel edition)

    Ever since I left home young, I would describe my relationship with my parents as ‘complicated’.

    We’re not touchy feely. We’re not even very talky. Getting past the past has been a slow and more or less silent process. Over time, the cracks have patched themselves.

    Shortly after moving into my house, while putting away the various bits of the Christmas gift package they got me, I came across a handwritten card that I’d originally missed when I opened it.

    I read it, and cried. It was a little strange, reading something that had been written a few months ago, with all that had happened since. There was no judgement or disappointment in it, only unconditional support – just as the following months came to prove.

    It’s funny that I found myself back in my childhood home 10 years later. But as much as I needed to leave when I left, I really needed to return when I did.

    This week’s links

    Sometimes Mother’s Day is complicated

    The things we did not do

    Examining choices around name changing and marriage

    How do you find a cause you care about?

    The upside of being highly sensitive

    When misery clouds your financial judgement

    Working for The Man sure has its upsides

    And finally, it’s time we examine the messages we’re sending about creative fulfillment

  • How’d she manage to pull off buying a house?

    How I bought a house in Auckland on a single income

    It’s too easy, for those of us who have somehow managed to scrape into the hallowed ranks of Auckland homeowners, to fall into the trap of blaming everyone else for their own poor financial choices and unrealistic expectations.

    I’m determined not to do that.

    I know that simply cutting back takeaways is not going to get you into a house.

    I know that rents keep rising; when I was at university $350 a week got you a three bedroom rental in the humble suburb where I grew up, and today it gets you a one bedroom.

    I know that prices and incomes are all out of whack, and yet, the way things are here, it generally makes sense to buy if you can.

    Basic housing – dry, warm, healthy, affordable even – is a luxury in Auckland and it shouldn’t be. Renters are treated as second class citizens in every way. The quality of rental housing is abhorrent. There’s no stability. I note without pleasure (okay, maybe a LITTLE grim pleasure) that relatively well-off media commentator types who once often spoke out about what a waste of money it was to buy a house have now started families and oh, promptly gone and purchased property to live in.

    I’ve put off writing more about the nitty gritty of buying my house – the financials, that is.

    In a way, I feel like I haven’t truly earned it. And maybe more importantly, I’m nervous about the inevitable judgement that’s going to come my way.

    Do I owe anybody any details? No. But might transparency benefit someone else out there? Maybe. And if the struggling house hunters who opened up about their finances for the Herald’s Home Truths series can do it, I probably should too.

    Here it is.

    The numbers

    Based on my pre-approval, I was looking at houses $500k or less, using the  Welcome Home Loan scheme (allows first home buyers to get in with 10% deposit, subject to other conditions). The majority of my deposit came from my KiwiSaver. (It’s never been affording mortgage payments that poses an issue, but rather the down payment.

    At this point I was temporarily staying with my parents due to a relationship breakdown (though still paying rent at my flat), and they were helping me house hunt. There wasn’t a lot in my price range at all, let alone properties that were actually fit for residence. The two places in my budget that I wanted to make an offer on (though I was pipped to the post on those) … let’s say my dear mum wasn’t very impressed with the properties.

    But as I told them: beggars can’t be choosers, and I’m a beggar in this market. My criteria is whatever I can afford, and within that, whatever I think I can live with. I was prepared to compromise on various things as required – basically anything, although not everything. Slim pickings weren’t necessarily a negative. I’m chronically indecisive so a narrow range of options was actually a good thing for me.

    They also offered to help out, moneywise. I was very appreciative of the offer – and also very reluctant to accept it. My preference was to buy within my original budget, on my own steam, but together we started looking at some more expensive properties as well.

    The more we looked, the more it made sense. The phrase ‘cutting off your nose to spite your face’ comes to mind.

    The prospect of them topping up my buying power went against my core principle of Doing Things On My Own. And yet they genuinely wanted to. Rather you pay us than the bank! It would mean a better house – still absolutely in entry level territory, but more liveable and better located. And importantly, potentially a forever home. I’ve moved so, so much while renting and it has been exponentially more soul destroying each time. I always wanted to buy a house and then never move again if at all possible. I just can’t imagine dealing with the stress of moving PLUS throwing the logistical headache of both selling and buying into the mix. Obviously people do it all the time, but I can tell you right now that climbing the property ladder is not for me.

    The final price for my house was $595k, so with them making up the difference, means I owe them close to $100k. A little less than that now, after a few months of repayments.

    So in the end, I didn’t take a Welcome Home loan, just a regular one – but it worked out for the best. As a result, the rest of the loan process was a lot simpler and shorter (less paperwork). And I didn’t get the $5k government HomeStart grant, but that would basically have been cancelled out by the Housing NZ premium applied to the WHL anyway. Turns out that’s a bit of a wash as a single income home buyer…

    Where to from here?

    Withdrawing KiwiSaver money for my first (and hopefully last) home puts a major dent in my retirement savings, it’s true. But I’m comfortable with that choice, having pondered it for a couple of years, and still being young with time on my side. Saving for the future is important – but so is having a stable and healthy living environment in the present.

    And while I don’t see my home as an investment, having a paid-off house will be a huge benefit come retirement. There’s a lot of talk right now about how Generation Rent will be at a disadvantage in this regard, and for good reason. Having discussed this with people at work who know much more about finance, mortgages and the economy in NZ than I do, I feel confident in this decision being the right one for me.

    Probably more painful – emotionally anyway – is the fact that I accepted family help. Now I’m just like basically every other Auckland homeowner my age. Even as a loan rather than a gift … this makes me one of those awful privileged millennials tapping into the Bank of Mum and Dad. Let me tell you, that stings.

    But pride ain’t everything, and I’ve said before that I wouldn’t look a gift horse like this in the mouth should it cross my path. I’m happy (understatement: DELIRIOUSLY HAPPY) and apparently so are they. A win-win, I suppose. Heck, for health reasons alone, I can tell you it has been so, so worth it already! I rub rosehip oil into my stress scars each night (from the chronic eczema that literally evaporated once I moved into my house) and I know I made the right choice. I pinch myself most days, wondering if this is actually my life, and feel so grateful to be here.

  • It’s bloody expensive to live well

    Living well is expensive - it takes a lot of money just to get by

    Who says money can’t buy happiness? Life is expensive. A basic life – at least in NZ – is expensive, and a good life even more so.

    Money buys a place to call home

    It’s an incredible feeling to know I never have to move again unless I want to – as long as I keep paying.

    It’s an equally incredible feeling to wake up and NOT start sneezing immediately, every single day. I no longer dread middle-of-the-night awakenings (for whatever reason) because I’m not automatically going to be a huge snotty mess. To have the whole house be the same temperature. To not have condensation on the windows.

    I bow to you, mighty HRV system. You cost practically nothing to run overnight and yet make such a huge difference.

    My physical health (not to mention my mental health) has been boosted legions by owning my own home. Money has literally bought me better health.

    Money buys a way to get around

    Having a reliable vehicle is so important, particularly in a one car household. Buying cheapo cars has never worked in our favour; taking out a car loan turned out to be a wise choice. Spending more for a car that will last is not indulgent; it’s rational.

    Money buys decent clothing

    Having bras that fit is crazy awesome but it’s definitely not the cheapest. Quality ethical clothing, ditto – and I must confess I don’t actually make this a huge priority. I hope I’m doing a little to help by thrift shopping as much as possible. And I might add to this, other items that touch the skin – namely, bed linen, good sheets are a must!

    Money buys real food

    I love my carbs. Yet I know I really need to eat more fruits and veg. But they’re so much more expensive (as are nuts, seriously)! A loaf of bread or a bag of pasta gets you so much further than the equivalent spend on apples or tomatoes. And don’t even get me started on the cost of good cheese and meat. Yeah, I’m a glutton.

    I was watching the mini series Chef’s Table recently. It was a joy to see the artisan growers the top chefs source from, and just how much thought and love goes into developing those amazingly flavourful, organic crops – but it ain’t cheap, for obvious reasons. The plan is to grow more of my own, but I’m never going to be completely self sufficient.

    And you know what, quality dog food isn’t the cheap stuff, either. I don’t think the preservative and grain laden kibble is the best for my girl, and I’m pretty certain she gets more hyperactive after eating it.

    Money buys getaways

    I love travel, but NZ is just so darn isolated. My hostel days are past me, and I’ve never been into camping. But that’s okay, because I love my home and I’m nesting hard; I’m totally happy to be a hermit for the foreseeable future.