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Browsing tag: relationships

  • March 20, 2012

    On compromising in relationships

    Compromise.

    It’s the key to any good relationship.

    But what if you’re poles apart in your thinking?

    Back in my high school health/sex ed class, we were asked what one should do in a situation where one person wants to do a lot more physically than their partner is ready for.

    I don’t remember what the conclusion was, and in fact I’m not sure we actually got around to reaching one.

    Still, it’s an interesting question, no? What if two people in a relationship are at very different stages? What if one wants to move overseas/move in together/have a kid/get married and the other … doesn’t? Is meeting somewhere in the middle the best choice then, if it’s even possible – pressing one beyond their comfort limits while the other is just as dissatisfied?

    It seems to me, from my limited observations, that time fixes everything. Kinda.

    You start with talking it out.

    Then there’s panic and disbelief that you could ever be on the same page given how far apart you stand on matters.

    Then you wait. Wait and think and wash and rinse and repeat.

    Then at some point, it’s crunch time. If said issue is a dealbreaker and neither party’s stance has changed, then one is mostly likely going to walk away.

    Thoughts?

  • March 6, 2012

    The long road to financial harmony

    HOW TO FIND FINANCIAL BALANCE WITH YOUR PARTNER

    Financial nirvana. Does it it exist?

    I’m not sure, but I can tell you that no two people handle money the exact same way, and being on a different page from your partner is a recipe for teeth-gnashing and tears.

    However you handle finances – joint accounts, separate, or a mix; equally, or with one person handling the bulk of the admin – reaching some basic agreements about money management is so important. Think along the lines of:

    • how you’ll each contribute to expenses
    • how you handle debt
    • how you’ll save for big goals
    • how much is okay to spend without consulting the other person
    • how much is reasonable to spend on (fill in the blank – could be clothing, food, video games, whatever)

    T and I kind of fell in the deep end with joint finances early on in our relationship. We moved in together, he started a new job and didn’t have a bank account of his own, so organised to be paid into my account. I also started university, we bought a car, and generally had more cash than we’d ever had – but vehicle expenses, getting T set up with the basics for work and life, and letting the extra income go to our heads (mainly to food, actually) meant we struggled a lot.

    Pretty early on, our wildly different money personalities became evident. I’ll be honest, it wasn’t easy. But I don’t think it would have been any easier if we’d delayed it. Heck, it might have been even worse, if he’d been left to his own devices.

    I can’t tell you when you should have the “money talk” with your partner, or what kind of financial system you should set up. Heck, some people go all their lives without knowing how much their significant other earns. Separate finances make total sense if both parties already have a good thing going individually and don’t mind splitting everything (personally I’d get fed up with all the calculations; do I really want to be keeping track of who last bought toilet paper .. or, later down the track, diapers for our little bundle of anxiety?).

    We went all out early on, but I’ve since refined it so that T has his own separate savings account and his own allowance/spending money every week: proof that joint finances can work even when one is a saver and one a spender. Whether we’ll combine savings fully once we get married remains to be seen, but I think we’ll always maintain some kind of husband fund for him to save up for toys – a bigger motorbike, a project car, etc. (Plus of course, even if both parties have access to the joint accounts, it can be nice to have a pot of your own.)

    What if it all goes pear-shaped?

    I suppose that’s a big one in favour of separate accounts. It’s true, nothing in life or love is certain. But if you have any sense (and I know my readers do) you wouldn’t be meshing funds unless you were pretty serious. Making a personal and emotional commitment to another human being is also a financial commitment, and for some couples that lends itself to joint bank accounts.

    Caveat: if I was a celebrity, I definitely wouldn’t. Nor would I fail to get a prenup and I sure as hell would not change my surname. I know every celeb thinks their marriage will be different, but the odds are heinously against you.

    Seriously though, while I would not recommend mixing finances as early as we did, I’m happy with how it turned out. We’ve settled into a semi-blissful groove, and if we ever split, it’s decided: he takes the TV, food processor, microwave, and his motorbike; I get the bed, laptop and car.

     

    This post is part of Women’s Money Week 2012. For more posts about relationships and money, see the Relationships and Money Roundup

  • February 28, 2012

    Tom and Lynette, you’re breaking my heart

    Confession: I watch Desperate Housewives.

    Confession two: I am ridiculously sad that Tom and Lynette have split up.

    They’ve always been my favourite couple. She, the Type-A superwoman; he, the easy-going complement. T and I always agreed he was the best husband on the street.

    To me, there’s one big lesson to be learned from their demise.

    Imbalance can be deathly to a relationship.

    If you are a driven person, it will be very hard to take the back seat to your partner’s career.

    Lynette was a career woman to the core – as evidenced by her inability to defer to Tom even after encouraging him to pursue a big career move that saw his star really rise.

    She supported, pushed him even, into accepting a high-powered job. He wasn’t keen, but eventually embraced his new position. And Lynette found that difficult to accept – being relegated to spa sessions with the other wives on an executive retreat, refusing to treat Tom like an actual client when he hired her to redecorate his office, and so on. She wanted it both ways – she wanted him to succeed, but not to play the role of supporting spouse – and refused to accept that the dynamic was irrevocably altered.

    All of that made worse by the fact that they both work(ed) in the same field, and that Lynette brought the entire situation on herself. Sometimes the things you think you want don’t make you happy, after all.

    Worst of all, it seemed she’d lost her own financial stability – surely having Tom stop by the house to drop off a cheque would have to qualify as a serious lifetime low.

    I’m not saying that who makes the most holds all the cards. But I am aware that if you’re in a partnership where one party ultimately calls the shots, and the other suddenly becomes a power player professionally, that’s probably going to seep over into the personal realm.

    I’m thankful that T does not work in the same industry as I do – partly because 2 x journalist incomes will never equal pots of money – but mainly because I think the competitiveness factor would kill us dead. And that’s all on my part. I can’t help myself. I would not be able to separate the personal and professional – to stop comparing our work, to make sure I measured up or better, to stop any envy eating away at our relationship.

    I’d like to think if we ended up in the same scenario, that it wouldn’t break us. Him making most of the money would not represent a seismic power shift, because I’d still be the household money manager, keeping things humming along, perhaps working with a bigger budget. And if, like Lynette, adjusting to the new order proved tougher than it might seem, I’d hope that I would be able to rationally view how I was dealing with the situation and actually communicate with T to figure out how I could cope better.

    I’m still rooting for these two.

    Who’s your favourite DH couple? To what extent do you think money plays a role in relationship dynamics?

  • February 14, 2012

    Find a girl who…

    blogs. She will chronicle all the milestones – and the mundane – of your life together for posterity.

    plays the guitar. One day she might actually play in front of your friends, or write you a corny song (misery offers far more original and infinite inspiration). And you’ll have a talking point on your overseas travels.

    sings to herself. Because life is just too short not to.

    runs. You know she will return to you, as long as a return is merited.

    eats. Because food is the greatest love language of all.

    (Last year’s Valentine post is here.)

     

  • February 2, 2012

    Friendships of the double x chromosome

    Original caption: Ne ties a friendship bracele...

    I recall reading on a blog once that one thing (among a long list) that men can never understand is the complicated dynamic of female friendships.

    Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve never had a fight with a friend. Male or female.

    During school, there have been times when my friends and I tried to run away from a girl who wanted to be friends with us. Real mature, I know.

    I’ve had friends turn on me or ditch me for various reasons, then come back to me.

    I’ve been jealous of friends striking up closer bonds with other friends than with me.

    And sometimes been insecure in my place as one of a few girls in a mainly male social circle.

    But a proper throwdown, shouting or silent-treatment argument?

    Never.

    That said, rivalry has played a part in a couple of friendships for me. I think that it was mainly one-sided (ie, in my head), to be honest. But the outcomes were very different. One I still consider a friend, if not a close one; the other, an acquaintance whose social circles sometimes overlap with mine – we can play nice together socially, but you wouldn’t catch us hanging out by ourselves.

    In the first case, we instantly bonded upon meeting in school – we were both emo, introspective soulmates, sarcastic, tough, too clever for our own good. We were good at many of the same things and almost went to the same university to do the same degree. I was glad she didn’t, to be honest. I would’ve gotten too competitive, and I don’t think it would have been healthy for us. I always saw her as a spunkier, more charismatic me (perhaps what I should aspire to be in a parallel world) and in my younger, more insecure days, sometimes that was a bit threatening. Don’t get me wrong; while she can be a hard case, she has a big heart, and I’ll never forget her taking me under her wing after my first big breakup. I admire her hugely, and she’s the only person I know who’s been toughing it out on her own longer than me, having been largely independent since about 14.

    For various reasons we drew apart. We studied different things, but now work in similar fields, which brought us closer together. I honestly think that we’ll be able to catch up once every three, five, ten years and still get along awesomely, no matter where our life paths take us.

    In the second case, we met, I think, through mutual friends. We were good time friends, and that’s how it always was. We were part of the same crew, hanging out after school and on weekends. I thought we had a lot in common. And I thought possibly we could be good friends, if not necessarily BFFs.

    Thing is, at the core of it, she was simply cold. There were some people she treated extremely well, and others who seemed just pawns to her. It was tough to relate to someone who’d never had to work for anything. She was kinda vain (and more photogenic, if not downright better-looking than me. I suppose that’s where the competition was at, in my head, but at least I always had nice-ness on my side, for whatever that’s worth). And ultimately, she talked shit about me. (There’s discussing your friends behind their backs, in private. And then there’s straight bitchy comments – not the kind you would ever utter aloud about a true friend – just while you’ve stepped out of the room, to their flatmate, of all people. Plus trolling your blog.)

    I’m really curious to hear your thoughts on female friendship. And have you ever had one of a competitive nature, real or imagined?

  • January 23, 2012

    Of rebounds and relationships

    There are people who go from relationship to relationship, barely stopping for air in between.

    You know the kind I mean.

    Newly freed, they dive into the next one, seemingly heartless to heartbreak.

    I once read that it takes half as long to get over a relationship as it lasted. So if you were together for two years, it would take roughly a year to truly heal. Etc.

    I don’t know if I believe that. Lately, I’ve seen a good number of people exit a long-term relationship (numbering years of dating, not months) and march straight into the arms of a new squeeze. Rebounds, I thought at first. Yet they seem well on track to another long-term love. And who am I to talk? T and I got together only a month or two after the demise of my first relationship. I can’t say I expected it to last at the time, but lo and behold, we are betrothed.

    That said, at that stage I certainly wasn’t over my ex-boyfriend by any means. I still thought about him plenty, particularly as he started going out with another girl I vaguely knew and liked, and always stayed tuned for any gossip involving his name. And I can’t pinpoint the exact moment I honestly could say that I had stopped wondering “what if” and fully threw my heart into T. Maybe it was six months in. My memory blurs.

    What do you reckon? A solid rule of thumb or useless women’s mag trope?

  • December 22, 2011

    Six years. That’s over a quarter of my life

    And it’s how long I’ve been in a relationship I never intended to last beyond a few months.

    Time speeds up with age, doesn’t it? It does not feel like 12 months since I wrote this post. Or nine months since this one, although it has been the year for blogger engagements.

    If ever there was a pair of opposites, it’s us.

    I’m a planner – he’s impulsive.

    I’m a saver – he’s a spender.

    I get work out of the way first – he wants to play first.

    I’m high-strung – he’s laid back.

    I’m introverted – he’s extroverted.

    I have a defined tolerance for mess and dirt – his is unlimited.

    But we’re still here. Still compromising. Still going strong.

  • December 22, 2011

    Wedding WTFs

    Wedding Dress For Happy Couple in Love

    Image by epSos.de via Flickr

    “Why did nobody tell me?”

    That was the reaction from a friend upon learning just what her friends and family thought of her ex after she dumped his cheating ass.

    I can only guess that it came down to knowing that voicing such thoughts never really does any good.

    Case in point: another friend recently tied the knot with somebody that for all purposes, she doesn’t really know all that well. Everyone thought it a terrible idea, and said so. Didn’t change a thing.

    Now that I’ve met him, though – despite all the practical odds stacked against the relationship – I really do think it could work. So do the rest of us, including T (and that’s saying something; he’s just as jaded as me, if not more).

    The other two engaged couples we know? Different story. In the first case, they have no business together, child on the way or not – and it’s highly doubtful they’ll actually make it to the altar. T will be the godfather – it’s one of those offers you can’t really turn down, I suppose, no matter how disagreeable the entire situation is.

    In the other, he’s gone from long-term relationships with two class acts to someone below his calibre in every single way. We thought it a rebound based on nothing but lust. Alas, it seems we were wrong. (Call us biased. But the dude is a really good guy. He’s a catch, and she knows it – so she’s certainly not going to let go.) But what can you do?

    (Slightly off topic – I’m hoping their wedding will be a large one, which I’m guessing it will as they are the gregarious type with well-off families to boot. I don’t want the pressure of comparisons when it comes to our turn, as they will probably get around to getting married before we do.)

    It’s bad enough standing by on relationships that are all wrong.

    It’s far more worrying when marriage enters the equation.

  • October 11, 2011

    On friendships, inspiration and loyalty

    Friendship, especially as you enter adulthood, is a strange beast. In my case, my main social group still largely consists of old friends who will always be friends. However, that dynamic is shifting as we have less and less in common. And in some cases, they’re more important to me than I am to them because my circle is smaller. At the same time, newer friendships, at least for me, are not as deep as those I formed in my oh-so-formative teen years.

    The ever-fabulous Sarah of Yes and Yes posted on the concept of a friendship detox not long ago. I LOVE the idea. It goes something like: true friends are the ones who would seek you out should you delete your Facebook account, not respond to texts, basically fall off the face of the modern earth. (Again, not speaking for anybody else, but the number of people I can confidently say yes to on that count is uncomfortably low.)

    The other point brought up was the need to surround yourself with uplifting people. In other words, friends who support and encourage you, act as role models and basically inspire you with their presence.

    I’m lucky enough to be surrounded by incredibly intelligent and talented people both professionally and personally. I do have a couple of friends who still haven’t found their groove, and that’s fine too. So it goes, I guess – you have friends at a similar level, some achieving at a higher one, and a few who look up to you. The golden mean at work.

    What happens when that rule is upset and the balance thrown off, though? I suppose I’m fortunate in that I like T’s friends. But it’s always seemed to me, in almost all cases, a friendship not of equals. From my point of view, his closest buds take more than they give and always seem to be needing rides somewhere or to borrow a few bucks. I laughed when he recently told one of them that the reason I don’t like hanging out with their particular group is because they’re dropkicks. It’s true – I don’t have the patience to tolerate them for long – they’re entertaining, but quite frankly, dumb as wallpaper.

    I hit him up about that – because it occurred to me that not only is he almost entirely surrounded by no-hopers at work (the type who are content with a pretty basic lot in life and are unlikely to go anywhere) but in general. By the way, hinting that someone could do better friend-wise is way more awkward than hinting they could do better romantically.

    His response was thought-provoking, to say the least. Those friends are loyal. They reply to texts straightaway. They don’t have much but are generous with what they have when they have it (it’s always feast or famine on payday). They make good sidekicks, I suppose, and maybe it’s nice to feel like you have your life more together than someone else.

    And they understand his family. Being cut from the same class cloth, they aren’t fazed by the inevitable drunken ugliness that ends every family occasion that we’re obliged to attend. It’s all familiar ground to them. Unlike classier, more accomplished friends, who wouldn’t bother coming to the next one, having been scared off.

    (Although I probably wouldn’t bother with his family either if I didn’t have to – and is that reason enough to write me off? – I know what he means about those friends; they’re more good-time acquaintances now than real friends, whose lives have drifted far from the axis of ours.)

    It seems to me too, that sometimes male friendship ebbs and flows. Friends he used to spend a lot of time with he rarely sees now, partly because we don’t live in the same neighbourhood, and partly because they’ve taken to more expensive pastimes like trips away for skiing and fishing. Although on second thought, that’s probably equally applicable to female friendship.

    Can you thrive without friends who inspire you, or can you derive it from other sources? To what extent do friends define you?

  • March 18, 2011

    What makes a relationship work?

    The secret to a successful relationshipSometimes the most interesting conversations are born while doing the most mundane of tasks, like putting away the groceries. Case in point: T recently asked, “Why is it that we never fight, and everyone else seemingly has such major problems?”

    Well, a lot of the people he knows are just prone to drama. That’s how they live. That aside…

    I can honestly say I got a lot out of my first (and only other) real relationship. I got a lot of my immature and destructive behaviours out of my system. Today, I’m a lot more adjusted. More stable, emotionally. More secure. It helps when your partner (oops, fiance!) is happy to show affection and loves freely and unabashedly.

    And just generally, age has put paid to some of those tendencies anyway. I do recall a few incidents in the early days of our relationship that I’d rather forget; I’ll just plead teenagerism, thanks. That, and maybe drinking – I rarely do that anymore, but certainly a few cringeworthy, diva moments on my part back then were alcohol-fuelled.

    Not that we haven’t had our ups and downs. We broke up once, for a few days, in that first year. But thankfully, I was not too proud to go around and say that maybe I was too hasty in calling it quits. And we certainly argued about money after moving in together. And again, nearly gave up on it all during the dark days of 2009, aka, the long employment drought (I think I’ll avoid looking for a post to link back to in this case…). We were going around in circles, having the same arguments, stuck in an expensive lease for a damp house in a bad area.

    Compatibility

    I don’t believe any relationship is infallible. We have committed to getting married, but as strong as we are together, I can’t say for sure that there’s nothing that could split us up.

    But the thing we have going for us is that we essentially share the same morals and priorities. We say, and show, that we care – every day.

    Communication

    Sometimes we snap at each other, but we’re big enough to know we don’t mean it. It’s just fatigue, or hunger, or another external factor talking. Sometimes this takes some lip-biting and silent huffing and a lot of patience, but it beats silly arguments for the sake of it. Mostly.

    Over the years, we’ve gotten used to each other’s ways, where some of our friends are only just beginning to discover how many things a couple can clash about. Credit is due here to him; he’s really good at smoothing things over, and hates having the air hang heavy over us for long. And we are insanely comfortable with each other: No topic is off-limits for us.

    Compromise

    Also,  he knows to defer to me, because I usually know best 😛

    Latest case in point? I brought up the name changing thing last week, and he didn’t even argue (it’s been a point of debate in the past). Trust me, I hate my surname, but it’s mine, and it’s my byline. Changing was never an option; his name after mine sounds ridiculous, and it’s not any less unusual, either.

    Thoughts? Are the three Cs – communicate, compromise, compatibility – what matter?

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