Sometimes you just need to have a bit of a breakdown. Or a fullblown one, for that matter.
I’m months away from graduation and don’t know what the hell I want to do.
This also means there’s no point in moving, yet, no matter how desperately I want out.
T doesn’t really know what he wants to do, either. I guess in that respect, I’m lucky because I at least will have a degree behind me. I can’t force it on him, and I can’t resent him, because not everyone KNOWS where they want to be or what they want to do. (I did….up until now). Some people float, and drift for a while. I just wish he had some direction that we could work towards.
I’m a worrier by nature and I don’t do stress well. It’s been the cause of two huge blowups for us this year. Although this has been a tough year for him, I would argue it’s been harder for me. Being the main income earner, taking a full courseload, working,and still doing the majority of chores in this household.
I know he would do the same for me, and he did for a short while, supporting both of us while I wasn’t working, so I really shouldn’t complain.
What little time I have I want to spend winding down, reading, watching TV….and sleeping. And baking – I find baking immensely calming, though I’m not very good at it. And thus he feels I’m neglecting him, but I just don’t have enough time and energy to devote to everything. It’s the most logical time for him to feel needy, yet the worst.
We discussed maybe living apart. But that’s not what either of us wants, and like I told him, if he moved back home, I really don’t know what would happen. He’d be their errand runner; their one car, their chauffeur, handyman, and he’d probably get sucked into a life of drinking, smoking and mooching.
I hate uncertainty. I hate not knowing, I hate waiting. I’m just in a holding pattern,struggling through this last semester, through living in this damp hellhole, trying to support T along the way, point him in the right way so he can (hopefully) make some decisions, and not go insane.
(There they go again. I really, really HATE my flatmates. There is no peace. There is wrestling, fighting, swearing, mess, loud squawking outbursts, injuries. But then again, in a sense, I can’t help but feel better the devil you know…)
I feel like I have no control over anything, and I wish I had a crystal ball. I want to know everything is going to be okay, that it will work out. I want someone to make decisions for me. To tell me what to do next. To move, or not to move. Where to move. Whether to work. Or travel. Whatever.
Is T working? If not, I would be making him do all the housework if you’re that busy! It’s a two way street…he’s gotta support you right now. Hang in there, you’ll figure it out.
He does pretty much all the cooking (finally!) Housework is more fraught. I have much, much less tolerance for dirt and mess, and do a more thorough job. He usually takes care of certain chores and I do the others. Flatmates are absolutely useless – can’t wait to be rid of them. Not even worth the time and energy to nag.
You are so, so young; there is plenty of time to try out everything you want to do and more. I know it doesn’t feel that way; it feels like the choices you make now will determine the rest of your life. it’s paralyzing!
All this bad stuff? All the things you are struggling through right now? One day you will look back and realize it made you crazy strong. Now you know what you can deal with and live through, and this experience will make you appreciate good roommates and a working spouse and all that even more.
You are intelligent, strong, motivated, level-headed, and obviously a good time manager and you CAN handle *REALLY* stressful situations. This means that you will land on your feet wherever you go. I don’t think you realize that yet (?) but it’s true. Just keep the course. KNOW that you will be fine no matter what you end up doing; you cannot make a bad decision right now, as long as you are moving FORWARD and trying to figure out little by little where you want to go and what you want to be.
All that said, change the things you have the power to change. I struggle with change, the devil-you-know syndrome too, to an embarrassing degree. I always thought that once I made a decision to live here, do this job, etc., I was locked into it for a long time, even if I ended up not liking it. Looking back on my life, when I took action and changed the things I hated, things ALWAYS changed for the better and I could kick myself for not doing them sooner. And then I felt really strong for doing something about my unhappiness and it encouraged me to do it more.
My unsolicited advice–
If you find a place you like, move. just get a lease that isn’t long-term so you can switch things up if you want. Listen to your gut as far as roommates go, and I promise you won’t regret it. this one’s pretty easy–you HATE your current situation. You will now use what you know to not get into this situation again; you’re smarter than that. know that and own it. negotiate your wants, not your needs. You NEED a peaceful household; don’t negotiate with that.
The BF situation is tougher. This is what it sounds like to me, but I obviously don’t know your situation so please don’t be offended, cause I know I may have it all wrong:
He sounds like he is making your life much harder instead of better. You not only have yourself to worry about, you have him too. He needs to handle his business. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t know what he wants to do: he needs to do something! anything! try things! to support himself because it is doing bad things to your relationship to have you do everything. I assume that when he was supporting you both and it got horribly stressful you woman’d up and resolved the issue? he should do the same.
I can’t remember what his situation is (can’t find a job in this economy?) but he has to change something so it’s easier for you and your relationship. If ‘handling his business’ means he goes home to get back on his feet instead of stressing you out, so be it. It sounds like you just can’t deal with this situation much longer. You can’t be the sole motivator for the both of you, he has to pull his weight for himself.
And you aren’t responsible for him becoming a smoker, drinker, errand runner, moocher. he is. If he really doesn’t want to become those things, he won’t, but you can’t save him or care enough FOR him if he doesn’t care enough to help himself not fall into that lifestyle. again, it sounds like you NEED him to start making decisions about his life and supporting himself somehow. don’t negotiate with that either.
moving on…why not work AND travel? work for a year and save up and do your OE (or EO, I can’t remember what that is)? or just use the awesome 4 weeks of time off you lucky kiwis get every year to go somewhere amazing? you’ll never regret traveling…
finally, EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY. IT WILL WORK OUT. You can’t make a bad decision here. I can promise you this because I’ve been there. 🙂 smart girls like us don’t fail, we learn.
sorry so long!! you hit a nerve. 🙂