Sometimes you just need to have a bit of a breakdown. Or a fullblown one, for that matter.
I’m months away from graduation and don’t know what the hell I want to do.
This also means there’s no point in moving, yet, no matter how desperately I want out.
T doesn’t really know what he wants to do, either. I guess in that respect, I’m lucky because I at least will have a degree behind me. I can’t force it on him, and I can’t resent him, because not everyone KNOWS where they want to be or what they want to do. (I did….up until now). Some people float, and drift for a while. I just wish he had some direction that we could work towards.
I’m a worrier by nature and I don’t do stress well. It’s been the cause of two huge blowups for us this year. Although this has been a tough year for him, I would argue it’s been harder for me. Being the main income earner, taking a full courseload, working,and still doing the majority of chores in this household.
I know he would do the same for me, and he did for a short while, supporting both of us while I wasn’t working, so I really shouldn’t complain.
What little time I have I want to spend winding down, reading, watching TV….and sleeping. And baking – I find baking immensely calming, though I’m not very good at it. And thus he feels I’m neglecting him, but I just don’t have enough time and energy to devote to everything. It’s the most logical time for him to feel needy, yet the worst.
We discussed maybe living apart. But that’s not what either of us wants, and like I told him, if he moved back home, I really don’t know what would happen. He’d be their errand runner; their one car, their chauffeur, handyman, and he’d probably get sucked into a life of drinking, smoking and mooching.
I hate uncertainty. I hate not knowing, I hate waiting. I’m just in a holding pattern,struggling through this last semester, through living in this damp hellhole, trying to support T along the way, point him in the right way so he can (hopefully) make some decisions, and not go insane.
(There they go again. I really, really HATE my flatmates. There is no peace. There is wrestling, fighting, swearing, mess, loud squawking outbursts, injuries. But then again, in a sense, I can’t help but feel better the devil you know…)
I feel like I have no control over anything, and I wish I had a crystal ball. I want to know everything is going to be okay, that it will work out. I want someone to make decisions for me. To tell me what to do next. To move, or not to move. Where to move. Whether to work. Or travel. Whatever.