I recently had the privilege of interviewing a woman just a few years older than me, who runs a successful business and is on the cusp of going global.
Although in some ways we are similar – while most others in their late teens to early 20s were busy partying, I was fully independent, working all hours to make ends meet while doing my degree and she devoted her time to opening her first stores and starting a family.
I asked if she felt like she had missed out on anything, and how she managed to juggle all these demands at the same time.
But like, well, all other successful people, she told me it was about maximising the use of your time. “So many people don’t do anything with their evenings.”
Since reclaiming my weekends and evenings, I have to admit, I haven’t been doing anything all that amazing with that time. The first few weekends were just spent enjoying time with T that we hadn’t had in over a year. Going to the farmer’s market. Then planning and organising our Rarotonga and Wellington trips. Then dealing with car repairs, dentist appointments, motorbike stuff. (And of course, the usual – cooking, reading, music). Now I’m going to turn some of that time over to pre-wedding planning.
I’ve talked briefly before about how dreams change as you get older. And Stacking Pennies tackled a similar topic the other day, that of lost possibilities, because certain doors close with the passage of time.
The funny thing is, most of those previous aspirations I had are so much more attainable these days. Everyone seems to be writing and publishing their own books or ebooks, you don’t need a record label to become a star, and becoming a web designer seems to be another thing that everybody is doing.
Not long ago I attended an amateur musical for the first time in a very long while. Now, usually at the end of these performances I feel a bit of a pang; I’m not a performer by any stretch of the imagination, but I love the buzz that comes with being involved in a show (granted, it’s been six years since I had anything to do with one). I didn’t feel that at all this time. I watched as they spun each other through waltzes and tangos, and rather than wishing I had their mad skills, I was content simply to admire. Maybe it was the fact that the plot and songs were beyond dreadful. Or maybe it really was just me.
I think what I’m trying to say is, I don’t quite know what I want anymore. I know myself better than I ever have. I know where my weaknesses lie. I know where I draw the line.
Once I would have laughed at the thought of being a SAHP. Yet more and more, the idea appeals, at least part-time or at least for a few years. Once I would have laughed at the thought of even considering throwing financial security to the wind and going travelling for an extended period at some point down the line.
I suppose I just need to accept that my dreams are going to continue to evolve, even if I don’t know where they’re going just yet.