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Browsing tag: life

  • August 20, 2009

    quarterlife crisis

    Sometimes you just need to have a bit of a breakdown. Or a fullblown one, for that matter.

    I’m months away from graduation and don’t know what the hell I want to do.

    This also means there’s no point in moving, yet, no matter how desperately I want out.

    T doesn’t really know what he wants to do, either. I guess in that respect, I’m lucky because I at least will have a degree behind me. I can’t force it on him, and I can’t resent him, because not everyone KNOWS where they want to be or what they want to do. (I did….up until now). Some people float, and drift for a while. I just wish he had some direction that we could work towards.

    I’m a worrier by nature and I don’t do stress well. It’s been the cause of two huge blowups for us this year. Although this has been a tough year for him, I would argue it’s been harder for me. Being the main income earner, taking a full courseload, working,and still doing the majority of chores in this household.

    I know he would do the same for me, and he did for a short while, supporting both of us while I wasn’t working, so I really shouldn’t complain.

    What little time I have I want to spend winding down, reading, watching TV….and sleeping. And baking – I find baking immensely calming, though I’m not very good at it. And thus he feels I’m neglecting him, but I just don’t have enough time and energy to devote to everything. It’s the most logical time for him to feel needy, yet the worst.

    We discussed maybe living apart. But that’s not what either of us wants, and like I told him, if he moved back home, I really don’t know what would happen. He’d be their errand runner; their one car, their chauffeur, handyman, and he’d probably get sucked into a life of drinking, smoking and mooching.

    I hate uncertainty. I hate not knowing, I hate waiting. I’m just in a holding pattern,struggling through this last semester, through living in this damp hellhole, trying to support T along the way, point him in the right way so he can (hopefully) make some decisions, and not go insane.

    (There they go again. I really, really HATE my flatmates. There is no peace. There is wrestling, fighting, swearing, mess, loud squawking outbursts, injuries. But then again, in a sense, I can’t help but feel better the devil you know…)

    I feel like I have no control over anything, and I wish I had a crystal ball. I want to know everything is going to be okay, that it will work out. I want someone to make decisions for me. To tell me what to do next. To move, or not to move. Where to move. Whether to work. Or travel. Whatever.

  • August 12, 2009

    X and Y

    Krystal‘s post the other day about losing one of her best male friends touched a nerve with me.

    I have a group of girlfriends – whom i love DEARLY – but don’t see all that often. My go-to friends are all guys. They’re the ones I hang out with, the ones I call my best friends. (Some of them, I found out, originally got to know me because they had a bit of a thing for me. Which was weird, but you know, it’s all in the past) We’ve never had a problem with them and girlfriends, but what about when we get round to the marriage stage? Is that going to change things? I hope not. I don’t think it will, but I suppose you never know.

    I honestly believe men and women can be friends. It’s really not that hard.

    That being said, I learned that the hard way. One of my best friends growing up was a boy we’ll call C; at one point we “went out” for about six months in which absolutely nothing happened, and I mean nothing. We “broke up”, I got a real boyfriend, he tried to get me to break up with him. Anyway….some things happened, I had to essentially choose between them, and I chose the boyf. (That relationship lasted just over a year. Both guys turned into completely different people and I’m happy to have neither of them in my life today) Looking back, I don’t really know if it was the best choice. Probably, as they both became …. I don’t know, *insert word of choice here*. I learned a lot from that year – my first serious relationship – and god knows where’d I’d be today otherwise, in fact.

    Sometimes I wonder, what if we were still buddies? What if, what if? I was really sad to lose him as a friend. But now I think that just ran its course – he was a part of that period of my life, and that part only – and now I’m surrounded by people more appropriate for the now. I hope I’m not going to lose them to jealous partners someday. T knows he has absolutely nothing to worry about, and I hope my friends’ future gfs will be able to understand us better as to not feel threatened by our friendships.

  • August 3, 2009

    “Stealing our jobs”

    (This is a post based on my personal experiences and observations. Yes, I’m going to generalise and make some sweeping statements, but I am aware that I can’t apply a blanket rule to everyone of a certain ethnicity. Topics like this always arouse intense feelings; here are my views on immigrant-bashing).

    In recessionary times, everyone gets all protectionist and the rednecks come out of the woodwork to shout about immigrants stealing jobs. Stealing jobs from our young unemployed. Stealing jobs from hardworking people just trying to support their families. One Your Views gem in particular really got me riled up. It was rather incoherent. I finally worked out – I think – that this person meant immigrants working at gas stations and supermarkets were stealing jobs from Kiwis and in particular young people and students.

    Because of course, immigrants can’t be students working a part time job to support themselves. Of course! All these “useless unskilled” immigrants have decided to make the momentous decision to immigrate to an entirely new country just to work menial jobs to screw over NZers. As many expats know, it’s local work experience that is valued here more than anything.

    My mother, an accountant, worked in a factory for a while before landing a part time bookkeeping job. We hear the classic line about Russian doctors and physicists being forced into taxi driving. I don’t think it’s different for accountants, teachers, or any other sort of profession. At dinner not so long ago, my mum told us how important it was for her to acclimatise and learn more about the culture before diving back in. Simple things like going through receipts and working out what were deductible expenses and what weren’t, are a billion times harder when you don’t even know what Tic Tacs are. (I also remember our first Halloween and wondering why all these random people in costumes were turning up at our house. And my first sleepover, where we had boiled eggs at breakfast and I didn’t know how to peel them, so even though I love eggs I didn’t have any to eat).

    Migrants don’t have the safety of the full welfare net to fall back onto. They are more likely to take any job they can get, because they HAVE to. I know many people, for whom it’s preferable to sit on the dole rather than work on, for example, an assembly line that requires commuting and pays about the same as the dole. Why would you want to work a job like that? BF”s case worker commented that many of her clients choose to job hunt from home rather than coming into the centre every day. But when she asks for their job lead diary, it’s empty. You can guess what they’re spending their time doing instead. Don’t get me wrong. I know there are many many people who would be grateful for ANY job. But there  are just as many happy to get paid for doing sweet f-all, due to the way the NZ welfare system works. Oh, and not-so-hypothetical people (who irritate me with their sheer stupidity) who don’t believe that their boss won’t fire them when they don’t go to work – just because they DON’T FEEL LIKE GOING TO WORK. (And, of course, get fired.) I am serious. True story. Happened last month.

    Here’s a sweeping statement. From what I know and see, migrants are generally very hard workers. It’s the fact that many of them have had to pull themselves up by their bootstraps (what a lame expression!),and have certain values and priorities instilled in them. It’s the way I was brought up, to stand on my two feet. They have a strong work ethic, they value education and take it seriously. I don’t even technically live out west as such, yet I am still surrounded by bogans – think Outrageous Fortune, personified – and it’s an entirely new world to me. There really is no Asian equivalent to the concept of a Westie, to my knowledge. It just wouldn’t happen. There are A LOT of things I hate about Chinese culture. But not this one. There ain’t no option to pump gas all your life and spend your free time drinking, smoking, and screwing. That’s something I see on a regular basis, and it frustrates me.

    I wonder if people like that would rather I gave my job up to a “real” New Zealander. I’m an NZ citizen. I was brought up here. I have a white boyfriend, I don’t eat tofu or chicken feet, I swear like a true blue westie and eat Watties tomato sauce. Yet when I open my mouth sometimes, people are surprised I don’t have some heavy accent. But you know, I look different and all. Maybe I’m not entitled to my job, by that logic.

    Immigrants don’t always get hired because they are willing to work for fifty cents an hour. I’m willing to bet most of them are hired because they work bloody hard, they’re committed and they’re willing to do the hard graft to get ahead. I don’t think it’s a great idea to be bringing in tons of new migrants at the moment, but leave the ones already here alone. Would you rather take their jobs and give them to a “real NZer”, and pay them the dole instead? Yeah, didn’t think so. Job stealers, dole bludgers, they just can’t win.

  • July 26, 2009

    True love

    Do you believe in it?

    I used to be a romantic at heart. I think I read too much. Honestly.I used to think we all had one soul mate in the world and we would be destined to meet, etc, etc.

    Now I tend towards believing there are many possible soulmates for us out there. After all, it’s the only realistic possibility. We can’t all have just the one – we’d never meet “the one for us”. The world’s just too enormous. I guess I could go one step further and say soulmates don’t exist, just “the right people at the right time in your life”…but I’m not quite ready to be that cynical.

    I bring this up because one of my friends is considering getting married. She went overseas to work for a few months and fell for a guy. He’s seven years older, doesn’t speak all that much English….but they connected.

    I don’t know. I haven’t met him, though if he comes over at Christmas like she wants, I guess I will. She says she wants us to all tell her what we honestly think of him – but I doubt she’ll listen. I want to like him, but from what we all know, they just sound too different. All us girls are sceptical, and we don’t trust the sounds of this. I don’t think her parents are too thrilled either, but are starting to sound more resigned to the possibility.

    She’s just a hopeless romantic. And I think that she is somewhat afraid to let go, because she wants to settle down young and have a family, and thinks she might not find another person? But then again, she says she’s also holding back a little because she isn’t sure what the future holds – what if she finds her real soulmate in a few years?

  • July 11, 2009

    Suffering fools gladly

    I have very little patience for insincerity and bullshitters. The older I get, the more my tolerance wanes. I just can’t be bothered with that kind of crap.

    My social circle is kind of disparate. There are my girlfriends from school – one of whom I’ve known for ten years  – who I see every couple of months, but I’m really only close to a few of them and I probably wouldn’t hang out one-on-one with about half of them. We tend to organise mass catchups over lunch/dinner and see each other on birthdays etc, and although sometimes it’s frustrating trying to get everyone together in one place, I always have a good time with them. I have a few other random friends (uni, friends of friends), who aren’t necessarily connected to any of my other friends, and then my inner circle who I see more often. We’re a group from school who hang out sometimes as much as every weekend and are my first port of call. And they’re all guys, pretty much.  Then I suppose we have a secondary social circle (different people) which overlaps with my main circle, who I socialise with but am not close to.

    Sadly, within this extended group are one or two downers. And by downers, I mean shallow, selfish, insincere bitches. Charismatic, though, and fun, so most people either don’t notice, or downright embrace their antics. But that’s something I’ve had enough of, and I just ignore it entirely. I can’t escape it, but I don’t have to play along. There are enough good people in my life to surround myself with, so why bother with the bad seeds?

    Thoughts? Where did you meet most of your friends? How often do you see them? And do you have patience for fake, bitchy acquaintances?

  • July 9, 2009

    Imperfectly perfect relationships

    I recently discovered SleepyJane and her refreshingly honest take on relationships. It’s not often people blog so candidly, and it got me thinking more closely about my relationship with T (I may start referring to him by initial; I’m kind of sick of typing BF out so often!)

    Lesbian_Couple_togetherness_in_bed_02We’re both the same age (I’m four months older to be exact) and have been together since Dec 05. Three and a half years. It’s a long time. We’ve lived together for basically two and a half of those. But of course, it’s not all smooth sailing. The last six months have by far been the hardest for us – if not in my entire life –  and they’ve really tested us.

    And of course, there’s the day-to-day stuff that all couples deal with…but maybe don’t like to talk about. Some are mundane, some not so much. Nobody I know is at the stage in life that we are at (living together, combined money, totally independent and away from home) so I don’t really get to discuss this kind of stuff with anyone! Luckily, I have my trusty blog 😛

    The small stuff

    T is a freak. He needs hardly any sleep at all, and is usually awake at 6 or 7 without fail. He always berates me for sleeping too much – he’s a fan of the “more you sleep, the more you NEED to sleep” theory. Poor boy, he usually has to wait a couple of hours on the weekend mornings for me to wake up. He knows if he tries to disturb me it won’t be pretty…

    He doesn’t brush his teeth often – yet NEVER gets bad breath – I’m trying to get him to brush more regularly so he doesn’t lose all his teeth before middle age.

    He hates doing the dishes and doesn’t hang up his wet towels. If I ask him to do ONE thing for me, odds are 50/50 whether he will or not. If I ask him to do two, three or more things, I’ll be lucky if he does more than one. I swear, he NEVER gets things done, and it’s incredibly frustrating. This mainly relates to housework, so it’s not exactly fun stuff, but I do expect him to pull his weight.

    We can both get incredibly annoyed, incredibly fast, over often incredibly stupid things. Although he generally handles me quite well, I find it hard to deal with him in those irrational kinds of moods (and you know, I feel like by this stage I should be able to).

    He’s a big guy. He’s rarely ever cold. I swear he runs at 20 degrees higher than me; we need some supersmart duvet which cools him while heating my poor thin body. Often it’s hard to be in bed together, because while I’m shivering, he’s literally sweating. And nothing is more irritating than him settling in under the covers, while the fan’s on – because according to him, it’s too cold out of the blanket but too hot under it…

    And the bigger stuff..

    I don’t have a particularly high libido, which is pretty much the opposite of him. Hence: friction, from time to time (especially in the mornings).

    Although he is smart, and talented, I would not describe him as particularly driven. Some people know what they want to do, where they want to be, and have it all figured out. I, at least, sort of always knew the path I’d follow…vaguely. He got started in engineering, and was great at it. He had ambitions: to get qualified, maybe even do a degree through night school, work hard, earn lots, travel with me, etc. Then that fell apart. Now he’s a bit lost. It’s almost like, if someone told him that he HAD to be in a particular industry, and do a particular thing, he would. He’d make the most of it and he’d succeed in that. I truly believe he can succeed in anything he wants to do. He’s just unfocused as to what that is. And it scares me a little; now I’m close to graduating, I’m truly in my “twenties” and I’m starting to feel that time’s marching on. Education and career wise, he’s now almost three years behind me.

    Ah, the PF angle. Our relationship has not been good for my individual finances. I don’t imagine for a second anyone would ever have recommended we merge finances. But if we hadn’t, I hate to think how dire his situation might be had he had full rein of his account, say, until we got married, or something like that. I look after our money and I do it because we’re committed to each other. In the long term, this will be better for us and I want us to get a solid footing, and to be on the same page.

    I know I have PLENTY of my own faults. Although I’d prefer to refer to them as quirks… eg, I got really upset at him for not eating the pack of salami we bought specially for him this week, which by now will be well past its use-by. What a waste! Seriously, I would have wolfed it down if he didn’t want it (I looooooove salami of all kinds). But you know, it was only $3. I should have let it go.

    People don’t change, fundamentally, and there’s no point expecting them to. I guess it’s a matter of deciding what you can and can’t put up with, and what your dealbreakers are.

  • July 2, 2009

    Getting back up

    Like a lot of other bloggers, I’ve been feeling really discouraged lately. It seems like BF will never be debt free at this rate, not while he’s not working and can’t put anything towards paying down the car/Visa.

    There’s no wiggle room in the budget at all, which is so disheartening. I mean, we need to buy:

    BF a coat/jacket (he has one jumper. ONE).
    TV aerial (we’ve been using a coathanger)
    Steering wheel cover (ours is really slippery)

    These are all such small things, which makes it all the more frustrating when we can’t even afford them.

    Things like wanting to go out for a burger becomes a HUGE deal, with either me resenting him for asking, or him feeling bad for nagging.

    (And I paid almost $700 of bills this week (water and power) from savings, because neither of our flatmates came up with a cent on time.I can’t wait to be out of here. Almost anything has to be better than this. I actually really dislike being at home.)

    Fridays and Saturdays are sometimes the hardest – a lot of the time we just hang out at home, but every so often you need to get out. Finding something inexpensive to do at nights  can be really hard. If money was no object, I’d probably go out to eat at different places a lot, and I’d like to go to the theatre and musicals and gigs.

    I’m also finding it hard just to BE social and to want to go out. It’s been a tough year so far, and it’s not going to get easier anytime soon. I’ve always thought of myself as a strong person, but I don’t feel that way anymore. The first few months were okay…we just soldiered on as best as we could, but now it’s really getting on top of me. Most of the time I’m feeling pretty fragile, and on the edge. A couple of weeks ago I was at a friend’s house for drinks, and just didn’t have it in me to be bright and sparkly and sociable. And a well-meant comment sent me stumbling out to the deck in tears, while everyone kept drinking and being merry inside while I just cried for a while, feeling utterly alone. And I ditched end-of-exam drinks early today – just wasn’t in the mood

    Ugh. I’m not feeling it, and I can’t fake it.

  • June 26, 2009

    These little moments

    Sometimes you just have to stand back for a moment in time and marvel at how much has gone by and how much has changed.

    Four years ago I was heartbroken from my first real relationship coming to an end.

    I had just moved out on my own and at times I felt like nobody else had ever felt so alone.

    I had another year left of high school and I wished I had been able to go to uni a year early (thankfully, I made the most of seventh form and don’t regret a moment. It was a fantastic year).

    I had about $10 wiggle room in my budget and I lived on about $30-40 a week for food. I made toothpaste, shampoo, conditioner, skincare and toilet paper last as long as it possibly could.

    So much has changed since then.

    Today I look back and think, it’s amazing how much can happen in just a few years. I have a job related to my field of study, I’m about to graduate, I finally learned to drive, I know how to clean an oven and how to slice an onion. I met BF, someone who had gone to school pretty much alongside me but who I barely ever spoke to. He’s been in the army, worked a few jobs and is about to go back for more schooling. His nieces are 7 and 8, and they now have a baby sister and another on the way. They have a cousin, a baby boy. BF’s brothers have left school and started working, and are nearly old enough to start high school, respectively.

    And yet I still think his nieces are about 4 and 5, and his youngest brother about 8. I still think of my brother as about 12, for goodness sake, and he’s almost 15. I guess it’ll always take me a few years to catch up – I’ll always be lagging behind. Isn’t that the beauty of being older? You’re expected to not know these things; to ask “what year are you in now?” and to squeal “but you were only THIS tall last time I saw you!”

    This is life, and today I’m going to take a snapshot of it for posterity.

  • June 22, 2009

    Just to add to my list of niggling worries…

    …BF’s family is having troubles.

    His mother is looking to move sometime soon, to somewhere smaller and cheaper.

    BF, understandably, wants to help her out, as he was telling me.

    Thankfully he had the sense to add “But I know we have our own troubles to worry about.”

    Yeah, you’re telling me! Not that I like to whine (well, I guess this blog bears the brunt of my gripes). But it’s tough enough getting by as a student on a student income, without having to essentially support a second person on said income. And sometimes I feel BF doesn’t appreciate that enough. I mean, we think of all our money as “our money”, which sometimes works and sometimes doesn’t. But he’s the happy-go-lucky kind anyway. I’m a born stressor.

    Anyway. Our helping could come in the form of moving in with her (she’s apparently found a few nice places, with sleepout/separate downstairs flat, etc). She only has her and BF’s youngest brother now, and I guess BF’s oldest brother also will be living there. If we lived with them, it would ease the pressure of rent and bills, and she knows we would always pay on time.

    Qualms? Well, sooo many: the place itself, and housekeeping (previously they’ve lived in rather dumpy, messy places, although I don’t know how much of that to attribute to the fact that there would have been five kids in and out, not to mention their friends); BF’s oldest brother (not someone I’d actually want to reside with); the likely frequency of BF’s sister and kids coming to stay during her and her partner’s domestics; being close to the bus; being close to campus for BF next year; flexibility of moving, because presumably that would leave his mum in quite a fix. Sigh.

    See, my plan was for us to take our time looking for our next place. (Plus, not many people are keen to take in couples, especially if they’re both studying). I wanted to live in Mt Eden/Epsom, or maybe 3 Kings/Greenlane/Royal Oak. Reason: better, more frequent buses, and reduced travel time to the city. Have I mentioned how sick I am of spending 10 hours a week commuting? Doesn’t even count the time spent walking to/from the bus stop, and waiting for the bus. Those specific areas: because if he goes into teaching he will have classes at the Mt Eden Rd campus. It’s best if we live close to it, so if the car craps out he can still get there without too much fuss. BF seemed to understand and agree with that.

    But not today. He’s all gung ho about helping out his mum (which is totally fair enough). I reiterated how important it is for both of us to be able to get to uni/work WITHOUT relying on a car. His answer? “Oh, but you can’t keep living life in fear of something that MIGHT happen”. Well, like I explained, it’s perfectly sensible to live somewhere where I can cut down on travel time, and ensure that our old car breaking down wouldn’t strand us. And frankly, I am sick of West Auckland. Plus, he just doesn’t want to move away from his friends and family. He’s that kind of person. Me, I don’t care. I want to live somewhere decent, closer to town, and in an environment where he can do the best he can to prepare for starting uni next year. I’m not sure living with his mum would achieve that. She has to stay in this area because of BF’s brother’s school. And she currently has no car herself…so, see where I’m going? But I don’t want to come off as the cold hard bitch here.

    It’s just hard to make plans at this stage when we don’t know exactly what will be happening next year. BF could be studying at the Epsom campus on the other side of Auckland, or at the city campus. I could be working in town, or maybe at a small community paper. Ya know? Not to mention our lease goes until August. Oh please, kill me now.

  • June 20, 2009

    Being the unpaid chauffeur

    I was afraid this would happen – CORRECTION – I knew it would happen.

    We have a car again, which puts us at the mercy of the many, many people we know WITHOUT one, who then want BF to take them places and drive them all around.

    Let’s put it this way. BF has two main categories of friends. The ones who work/are doing apprenticeships, have steady jobs and cars. And the losers who have lost their licences for speeding/drink driving etc.

    Unfortunately, the latter kind are the one he sees more often. One of them lives with us, so …. yeah.

    Sigh.

    And with him not having work, it just means they have all the more opportunity to rope him into chauffeuring them around.

    Even if they pay for gas, it’s still unnecessary wear and tear on our car, and until he gets his full, I’m the only other person he can legally drive around. It’s completely unfair to put him at risk of losing HIS licence too just so they can get a ride somewhere.

    He’s just left the house after getting a hysterical call from his sister. She needed a lift from her house WAY out west, to their mum’s. Her and her partner were having a huge fight and she was leaving and going to stay at their mum’s overnight…or possibly longer, in fact.

    FFS! They are both WAYYY too old for this! He’s 30plus, she’s 25, they have a fourth kid on the way. Every few months they do this – have a huge domestic, live apart, then somehow reconciliate. But they NEED to get past this. Not only should they have outgrown that stage, it’s really not on given there are kids involved. Sigh.

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