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Browsing tag: relationships

  • June 21, 2010

    Followup

    I really appreciated all your thoughts on this post. Resentment and imbalance is never good in a relationship – it’s downright toxic – and it was seriously cathartic just to purge the thoughts swirling around in my head.

    One great idea raised was to simplify our expenses. I think I’ve got that pretty much down to a T. Each paycheck is split into rent, bills, groceries, and the rest (if any) divided up for fun, gas, cell phone and if needed, clothes and personal care kind of stuff. (Proper budget post coming up…well, ‘proper’ as by my definitions).

    Another asked what T does during the day, apart from comb job postings? Sleep. Sometimes cook. Go to the park to shoot hoops. Sometimes visit his sister/family (she’s a SAHM). Sometimes hang out with friends (after they finish work, or during the day – some are still students, or if it’s bad weather, because some of them work outdoors). Oh yeah, and it also affords him plenty of time to be sucked into various family crises on any given day – enough said.

    He’s also spent a fair amount of time on car-related crap – namely calling around, driving all over the city, finding parts and getting it up to scratch for our recent warrant, plus dealing with the recent accident and following up on that. Happily, our car is finally back to normal and hopefully we can keep it that way!

    Now, other income streams: One thing he’s mentioned before is getting equipment and making things like go-karts, but aside from the initial outlay, we have no garage or workshop, and that stuff has got to be done inside. And personally, I am sceptical about the market for that, although he insists there is demand. Another thing he mentioned was possibly setting up as a service to help people procure parts for their cars (ever tried it? It’s a bitch). He took part in two market research sessions last month, but I think they’re drying up a bit now. So that was helpful too.

    I’ve been trying to communicate more with him on the matter, which seems to be really helping (surprise, surprise). He feels bad about ‘living off’ me and occasionally has really down days. Either way, as one reader said, I need to deal or not deal. In my mind, I’ve set a deadline of the end of the year. Something has to change, in a significant way. And on a smaller scale, something’s also gotta change in the next couple of months. Many of you mentioned possible PT work – I totally agree. And I have been keeping half an eye on those kinds of jobs, although to be honest, his work skills pretty much only lend themselves to full time work.   He’s only been looking at FT work – aiming high? – but even PT money would help (and keep him occupied…and would be a boon if he ends up going back to study and needs a casual gig)

    As to courses, he’s already taken a foundation course so he can get university entry – that covered a lot of subjects, mainly in the arts faculty. (It didn’t set off any lightbulbs for him, but it was definitely worth it.) There’s no point rushing into any course this semester – so I’ve told him he’s got six months till the end of year, by which he’d need to settle on possible degree pathways and figure out the application requirements.

    Getting trade certified – like an apprenticeship – requires an employer to take you on. That’s something he was on track to begin before layoffs at the end of 2008. Might it be worth him taking a welding course? That gets him a ‘ticket’, which is a certification that lasts a certain amount of time, and might open up more jobs for him. Still, a lot of those will be only fixed term but it’s something to consider.

    We’ll keep trying to think of other ways he might be able to bring in some cash and see how it goes, really. One thing we both had our hopes pinned on (although we’d never admit it) was a possible apprenticeship opportunity. I think that fell flat this week, spurring him on to start talking about enlisting with the police. Next thing I know, he’s filled out the forms, got in touch with one of our friends who’s a fully fledged officer, and talking to another friend who, it turns out, wants to become a cop too.

  • June 15, 2010

    When it all comes crashing down

    A couple I know has split up. A couple everyone thought was in it for the long run. The male half is with someone that none of us think is, er, worthy of him, although she’s been angling for him ever since they met. Not to sound like my mother or anything…but his old girlfriend was clever, classy, cute and dare I say marriage material? This one, not so much. She has more in common with the specimens who used to frequent my old house although to give credit where it’s due, I’m sure she’s not quite of that class. Let me just say that she’s already had brief encounters of the intimate kind with at leas two others in our circle.

    So, to my point: no relationship is infallible. Whether it’s the small things (the fact that he never returns from a trip with everything he took away, whether it’s a tube of sunblock or my digital camera), or a big, sudden, painful blowout that comes out of nowhere, cracks can appear in even the most solid foundation.

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  • May 30, 2010

    Inequal relationships

    Remember how I blogged about essentially giving myself a pay rise? Well, I officially now have a new position too. To clarify: I changed my work schedule a few months ago and took on some new duties. Now, my pay and title have finally caught up!

    I don’t know whether or not this was prompted by the universe in response to my looking elsewhere, but I also got a kick out of turning down the interview after news of the promotion.

    Of course, this changes the dynamics of my relationship. I’m on the up, while T is still jobhunting. As we see it, the best options are for him to hopefully get an in at a good company – perhaps not necessarily in engineering but in anything that he could excel at and ideally has some interest in – and work his way up; or to go back to school. (The other path is just to get any job, and probably continue in that manner for years and years. Obviously that’s not the preferred route.)

    Up until now, he’s been extremely lucky in his career, mainly due to contacts. But when that is stripped away, realistically, he has no qualifications and not a lot of work experience. And to make things worse, he’s never worked for minimum wage, and is used to making a decent hourly rate.

    I now make enough to at least pay the bills, but at times I resent it. The only reason I’m making this much is compensation for working weekends; it’s not going to last forever and whatever I do next is almost certainly going to involve a pay cut. So while I can, I’d really rather be saving the extra money than using it to, well, keep us afloat. That includes paying out the nose for gas so he can go visit friends and family in our neighbourhood (something that’s a constant source of tension; I understand how boring it must be at home, but unless he’s doing something productive like driving to a job interview, there is simply no way to justify spending on petrol).

    So I veer between frustration, resentment and guilt. Because really, if I hadn’t landed that internship three years ago, who’s to say I’d have a job now at all? I could be the one sitting at home combing job boards. There but by the grace of God, and all that. Am I being selfish – shouldn’t I be committed enough to see us through the hard times as well as the good? After all, I know he would give his last cent to help me out if the situation was reversed. That’s the kind of person he is.

    I wonder if maybe he could venture into some sort of self-employment. While I’m hardly in a lucrative field, at least I have a couple of income streams, no matter how small. Along with mystery shopping, there’s my side gig (writing)
    and tutoring (or rather editing and proofreading). Mine may not be skills that command big bucks but at least they’re somewhat marketable.

    I am a great believer in things working themselves out, but it gets harder every day. The odds of obtaining a job that hits that magic trifecta: stimulating, fairly compensated and with room to grow – are slim. And there’s no use in going back to school without a clear idea of what to study. The whole topic is just so MEHGAHBLEH that I just try avoid it full stop – which is really not ideal.

    How do you handle a situation like this?

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  • February 26, 2010

    All in the family

    Odd but true: I have a bunch of relatives I’ve never met before. Cousins and uncles. I couldn’t even tell you their names or where they live, but it’s somewhere in Australia (and both lots could live on opposite sides of the country for all I know).

    I’d like to think it’s not completely weird, because there are something like 10 siblings on my paternal side. And at least I’m pretty sure I’ve met all the ones who reside in Malaysia. What IS weird for me is the fact that our extended family isn’t close at all, and weren’t even when we still lived there. It makes me a little sad that my kids won’t grow up with heaps of cousins to play with. T’s nieces will be way older than our kids, although his younger brothers – and mine, I guess – might come through 😛

    Hopefully they’ll get to grow up alongside my friends’ offspring (although that is an incredibly strange thought. I wonder how us all getting married and procreating one day will change things?) If they don’t have a big, loud extended family, it’d be nice if they at least had friends who were like part of the family.*

    * Something I, again, never had. Is my bitterness really obvious?

  • January 22, 2010

    Blast from the past

    I don’t know about anyone else, but when I was a kid, having penpals was totally the cool thing to do. I had penpals in Warkworth and Gisborne, and then it got electronic – first I started writing to a girl in India, then in Australia, the States and Canada.

    I remember one of them in particular – a guy called Josh – who I spent all of my time chatting to on MSN Messenger and writing epic emails (virtually novels) back and forth with. We would include snippets of song lyrics in each exchange, both of us trying to outdo each other at being alternative and obscure (he won every time, seeing as I’d only just discovered the magic of music that, well, predated my birthday).

    And yet, every single one of those relationships petered out.

    Until I recently got a friend request on Facebook from my Gisborne penpal, after literally years of no contact. I remember nothing about her, save her full name and that she had a fairly large family. And I’m not even sure about that.

    So I hit ignore, with barely a second thought. For a moment I felt like I should feel bad about it, but honestly, I believe those relationships had a time and place. We never had anything in common, and we never shared anything of any importance with each other. I’d rather devote my energy to friendships with people I genuinely care about and wish that I saw more of.

    Friday’s outfit:

  • December 23, 2009

    Yes. I’m spoiled


    I just realised something: I haven’t made dinner for as long as I can remember. How lucky am I?

    T gets home before me everyday (including, obviously on days he doesn’t work). And for weeks now, he’s had dinner ready or in the works by the time I get home. All I have to do is eat it and then clean up the kitchen. It’s a far cry from two years ago when I would be in class all day, get home at 9 and find that I had to make food because he hadn’t bothered to – or worse, was out with his friends. Not that I’m saying that he shouldn’t have a life, or anything, but couldn’t he have hung out with them on the days that I didn’t work late instead?!

    Honestly, I also get kind of a strange kick out of having a boyfriend who kicks my ass at cooking. Is that weird?

  • December 3, 2009

    Young love: a horror story

    I’ve blogged a couple of times about the love lives of some of my flatmates (all guys, slightly younger than me and T). No kidding, their dramas make me feel like a total grandma. And of course, grateful to be well past all that BS.

    The youngest – let’s call him X – is a total pretty boy, and he’s had a tempestuous on/off relationship with GF1 for over a year. During one of their recent off periods, he got with GF2, and when he and GF1 reconciled, he kept seeing GF2 in secret. I’m talking coming around to the house, hanging out in the lounge, putting her hands all over him, but NEVER being allowed in his room because that’s where he kept photos of him and GF1.(And for some incomprehensible reason, she likes to bring over one of her equally skanky friends as well – is this a new thing, tagging along to your friend’s boyfriend’s house to watch them get it on? Where you don’t even know anyone else who lives there?)

    At first we stood back and looked on, shaking our heads at his nerve and wondering when the house of cards was gonna come tumbling down.I mean, surely one day he was bound to have one of the girls turn up and catch him in the act. Especially when he went to a party where BOTH of them were in attendance and both knew the host.

    And then I found out that BOTH girls knew about each other. And neither had pounded the other to death. In fact, they were both fine with it – they seemed happy to share.

    I have nothing more to say. Just had to share. You’re welcome.
    Photo / Katie Tegtmeyer

  • November 25, 2009

    Wearing your heart on your sleeve

    One of our flatmates picked up a girl on the weekend. Three days later, she turned up on our doorstep when he was out. She was in a bit of a state – agitated and twitchy, and against my better judgement I let her in to wait for him.

    And holy hell! I unleashed a monster. She launched into a monologue about how she’d been sitting at home going mad waiting to hear from him, how he wasn’t answering his phone, how she didn’t know what the deal was with them and she NEEDED to know, how she already missed him, on and on and on…

    It was all a bit intense, and way too much TMI for me. I really didn’t care about their relationship of lack thereof; I still don’t even know her name.

    That being said, I do grudgingly admire people who are that open, who can be that that transparent. Who can get things off their chest without caring what others think.

    And sometimes we’re the most painfully honest when we’re at our most desperate. I’ve been there: I’ve done that. It was a relationship based on physical attraction and further built on shaky ground. We really had no business being together, but I clung on to some romantic ideal and refused to let go. On the day it all fell apart, I made a last stab at saving us. It was probably the most honest I had been in our entire year together.

  • November 24, 2009

    Me and the boy

    Inspired by Amber’s post!

    What are your middle names?
    Neither of us have one!

    How long have you been together?
    Since December 2005.

    How long did you know each other before you started dating?
    Technically, we’ve known (of) each other since we were about 10. Probably the first time we ever talked to each other was when I was sent to “time out” and he was there too.

    Who asked whom out?
    He asked me out.

    How old are each of you?
    Both 21. I’m three months older.

    Whose siblings do you see the most?
    His. I have one younger brother, he has two younger brothers, an older brother and older sister. One of his little brothers comes over every Sunday to watch wrestling.

    Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple?
    Money. And lately, the whole life direction dilemma. He’s good at a whole range of things – he’s a great cook, he’s good with his hands and practical things, he is quick to grasp new concepts, and explain how things work, he’s good at trades work and was a great sports coach. But he still doesn’t know what he wants to do career wise.

    Did you go to the same school?
    Sure did – went to the same primary school for two years, to separate intermediates, and then the same high school.

    Are you from the same home town?
    Yeah… I’ve been in Auckland since I was eight, and he’s lived here his whole life.

    Who is smarter?
    Academically I’m the better performer. But we’re both smart in different ways. He’s much more practical and logical. I have more of a flair for writing and creative ventures. He knows a lot about everything – has a good general knowledge, but doesn’t care for current affairs and news (that’s more my area). Honestly, I think he’s more intelligent and has the more useful smarts.

    Who is the most sensitive?

    Me.

    Where do you eat out most as a couple?
    Hmm. Probably Chinese, to be honest, even though I’m not a massive fan. But he never gets sick of sweet and sour pork.

    Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
    Up north to Whatuwhiwhi – that was about five hours. We’re looking forward to travelling overseas together, though.

    Who has the craziest exes?
    Oh, that’s a tough one….I don’t actually know any of his exes, and I only have a couple. One of mine was pretty unstable, though.

    Who has the worst temper?
    We can both get pretty stormy. But he gets over it quite quickly and is always first to apologise. I’m probably more dramatic when I’m angry, but when he’s REALLY riled up he puts on a real show.

    Who does the cooking?
    He is by far the superior cook. I used to do the majority of the cooking, but now I get home later than him, and he usually has dinner ready for me by then.

    Who is the neat-freak?
    Definitely me. I do not understand why he leaves towels lying around, and how to train him out of the habit! That aside, I think we’re both fairly laid back, but like to keep things tidy. I don’t leave dishes lying around more than a day and like to keep the floors unsticky and the bathroom clean.

    Who is more stubborn?
    …..Me.

    Who hogs the bed?

    Me, apparently.

    Who wakes up earlier?
    NOT me. He’ll literally be awake hours before me and lie in bed next to me or watch TV. I really need to get him into reading or some other hobby so he can use that time more productively.

    Where was your first date?
    I couldn’t honestly tell you. We hung out so many times before officially dating. The first time we met up after that party where we connected though, I think, was one night late after work. I’d just finished up at Eden Park (I was working events with a catering company and there was a game on) and bussed to Blockhouse Bay. He met me at the bus stop in jandals and socks and walked me the rest of the way home to New Lynn.

    Who is more jealous?
    Hmm, we’re both pretty level headed. I’m probably more likely to get angry, though.

    How long did it take to get serious?
    A few months, I guess. It was a little difficult as we only had about three months together before he left for the army. We moved in together at 18 when we’d been together about a year which was too soon IMO, but it worked out okay. 

    Who eats more?
    We both have huge appetites. But his varies wildly – sometimes he’ll eat and eat and eat, and other times he literally won’t eat a thing all day until dinner. Mine’s pretty constant.

    Who does the laundry?
    Me.

    Who’s better with the computer?
    Me, unless you’re talking troubleshooting 🙂

    Who drives when you are together?
    Definitely him – he’s a far better driver and has his full licence now. I can’t even drive our car, really – it’s one of my goals for the rest of the year!

  • October 20, 2009

    Money and relationships – when it all goes pear shaped

    One of my flatmates and his GF have broken up.

    I’m quite sad – she was lovely and sweet. She had a fondness for bourbon and pornos, but was surprisingly intelligent and unskanky for a westie type (if you’ll pardon the stereotyping, but they exist for a reason…and I consider myself one as well, to a degree) and incredibly giving. To a fault, actually. Her generosity extended to going halves with him on a car (I think to the tune of $500), and advancing him $800 for the bond on our new place, despite the fact she didn’t even live here. She did it to help him out, that’s all.

    Now he’s found himself some hobaggy little blonde and ditched her.

    I have no idea what’s going to happen with all the money he owes her; BF says she gave him literally everything she had, and wiped out her savings. I don’t imagine the breakup would have been pretty 🙁 in fact, he had been seeing the blonde possibly even before dumping her… we just suddenly stopped seeing the GF around the house and saw the new chick hanging around.

    Poor taste, I say.

    NB: Tomorrow’s post will be protected – I’m talking about work related stuff and don’t want it to be all out in the open. You can email me at eemusings(at)gmail.com for the password

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