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Browsing tag: reflections

  • May 31, 2016

    Financial privileges I have (and haven’t) had

    FINANCIAL PRIVILEGES I HAVE HAD

    It’s so easy to get caught up in focusing on what we don’t have. (Guilty as charged, on a daily basis!)

    For example:

    • I left home young – no cellphone, no computer, no car, just some clothes, books and my guitar – and became financially independent at 17
    • I don’t work in an industry known for being lucrative and my skills skew more creative, less practical
    • I don’t have an equal financial partner; our relationship has spanned multiple bouts of unemployment/underemployment that add up to probably tens of thousands spent supporting us solely on my income

    But I’ve also had so many financial privileges in my life. I don’t know where I would be without these things today.

    Let’s see:

    I grew up in a financially stable home

    I never wanted for anything. I have financially savvy parents and money was never a taboo topic. I came away with an understanding of the importance of saving, and I  was encouraged to focus on the future and think about career paths.

    I received a full tuition scholarship

    My merit scholarship paid for my university fees. Between the student allowance and paid work, I was able to cover my living costs and graduated basically debt-free. Otherwise, 12 cents out of every dollar I earn today would be going toward student loan repayments.

    I’ve never been unemployed

    Despite entering the workforce during the GFC, I have always been employed. The work I do also aligns well with freelancing/side hustling.

    The stockmarket has been kind to me so far

    It even helped me with my house deposit. I never intended to use that money for a down payment – it was invested for the long term originally – but it worked out well.

    I’ve benefited from family support

    This ties back in to my first point, too. My parents looked after me during my separation, offered help with the purchase of my house and were in a position to lend me money towards it so I could buy something decent.

    What financial privileges have you had?

    *Part of Financially Savvy Saturdays on brokeGIRLrich, Disease Called Debt and Frugal in SA

  • May 25, 2016

    How getting a dog changed my life

    Getting a dog changed my life

    It’s safe to say that getting a dog was very high on the agenda after buying a house. (A refresher: NZ is heinously pet unfriendly when it comes to renting – “No pets and no smokers” reads basically every rental listing ever.)

    I had no idea how to choose a dog, really. I wanted to adopt pretty much every single dog listed for adoption on TradeMe, and once at the SPCA, it was just as tough. Heartbreaking, really (I may have gotten a bit teary.) Especially the older ones.

    This little lass was just over a year old and had been awaiting adoption for many months. Her previous family lived in government housing and couldn’t keep her.

    She’s super affectionate, very alert and aware. She has to sniff ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING and find out what you’re up to.

    She’s also a bit of a chewer, although hopefully that will fade with age.

    She settled in quite quickly, I thought, but a coworker said it would probably take time. And indeed, a couple months in she’s suddenly started to REALLY play with her toys properly – in particular the first two I ever got her – and it warms my heart.

    Also, turns out that talking out loud to something that doesn’t talk back isn’t as unnatural as I thought it would be.

    Owning a dog has forced/taught me to be:

    Tidier

    I’ve always struggled with neatness. I have some Type A tendencies that I tap into in order to combat my core messiness and keep on top of life, but organised chaos tends to be how I roll. Now I’m learning to shut doors, put things away, and this dovetails nicely with home ownership as I can now finally store stuff away and know that’s how it’s going to be as long as I want it that way. I’m not much for decor, but practical solutions I can get behind … and home storage is my new addiction. Basket, shelves, hooks, racks … I want them all!

    More active

    It’s always a struggle, especially in winter. We live near some great parks and tracks, luckily, and often run into other friendly dogs along the way.

    Patient

    I’m not a naturally patient person. But I know I need to lead calmly by example and focus on positive reinforcement. While she’s quite well behaved there’s room to improve (and I have lots to learn too) and we’re just about to start obedience classes!




    She brings me so much joy. I look forward to seeing her at the end of every day, and it makes me want to rush home. Sometimes she’s a pain in the ass; for a couple of dark days early on I was afraid we’d bitten off more than we could chew, that she’d never calm down and be manageable. But I wouldn’t give her up for the world.

  • May 19, 2016

    All else being equal – wouldn’t you rather have the money?

    Wouldn't you rather have the money?

    Money can’t buy everything, it’s true.

    But when going through hard times for whatever reason, I know I’d rather not add financial stress to the fire.

    Seriously: would you rather be suffering while broke or suffering while  financially secure? It’s a no brainer.

    Going through a separation or divorce? Imagine adding the constant stress of struggling to pay the day to day bills, on top of all that.

    Going through health issues? Wouldn’t you want the option of the best treatment money can buy?

    Hard times are hard enough without having to worry about finances. Having money reduces that burden; shrinks the heap.

    All the health and marital woes I’ve gone through stem directly from financial stress and struggle. The one thing I was grateful for during that time was that at least I wasn’t trying to do it on a journalist’s salary at that point. Literally every problem I’ve been saddled with in adulthood could have been solved with money in one way or another. (Yes, I’ve been fortunate in that regard, and I do acknowledge this.)

    To everyone who says that the hardest experiences they’ve gone through were when they actually had plenty of money (subtext: and it didn’t do me a damn bit of good!), here’s an honest question for you. I ask: would you rather have endured those shitty times WITHOUT the money?

    Of course you would give up the money to make the Bad Thing go away, that’s a given. But that’s not the question here; it’s not would you rather be free of the Bad Thing and in exchange go back to being broke? The question is, if the Bad Thing was unavoidable, would you prefer to deal with the crisis while being financially stable … or not?

    Take life insurance, for example. It can’t make up for the loss of a loved one, but it can alleviate or eliminate major worries during an already difficult time.

    It’s incredibly freeing to not have to make decisions solely based on the dollars and cents. To have the option of thinking about overall value, rather than just the bottom line.

    Life is expensive. Having money means having choices.

    Wouldn’t you rather have the money?

    *Part of Financially Savvy Saturdays on brokeGIRLrich, Disease Called Debt and Frame to Freedom*

  • May 5, 2016

    Leaving saved my marriage

    How an ultimatum saved my marriage

    I have never really believed in ultimatums.

    But there were no other options left.

    If the price of stability and a home was being alone, I realised I would take that deal in a heartbeat. See also: Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.

    You need to set your own boundaries; decide:

    what you want and need

    what you can and cannot accept

    what you expect and deserve

    It isn’t selfish to put your own oxygen mask on first. To stay true to your own goals. To refuse to  allow someone else to derail your dreams and hold you back.

    The end of 2015 was a low, low point for us. I think we both found ourselves disappointed in one another, to varying degrees.

    It was an opportunity to reevaluate our priorities (or, for me at least, to reinforce mine and validate my decision), and have the space to take a step back and reflect.

    Sometimes, you gotta burn things down if there’s going to be any hope of rebuilding them again.

  • April 27, 2016

    Should you leave your unemployed partner?

    Should you leave a chronically unemployed partner?

    You are not a terrible person if you’re thinking of leaving a chronically underemployed/unemployed partner. We only get one life, and you’re allowed to put your own interests first. Love is lovely … but so is peace of mind and financial security. In some circumstances it might be blindingly obvious whether to stay or go. But in others it’s not – this one’s for you. (For the record: While things seem to be back on track, I’m keeping things separate so that they’re easy to untangle again if needed.)

    How did I know I couldn’t keep going?

    When I asked myself, is this relationship adding net value to my life? I could no longer say yes.

    For all the good, the bad outweighed it, and had been for a long time.

    Nobody knows all the gory details. They don’t need to. Honestly, I could have coped with it all – as long as he had a full time job. But all those things, combined with zero income … different story. Especially given the fact that going separate ways would render him eligible for unemployment benefits.

    It is damn hard to tell where supporting becomes enabling, and being taken advantage of.

    I am far from blameless. I made mistakes. There are many things I could have done better. And I’m much wiser for it.

    I held on too long. Then I came to a crossroads.

    I could keep being passive. And I would almost certainly wind up bitter and drained. Probably having a breakdown and having to take time off work – ironically, the only thing keeping us afloat financially, not to mention the only good thing in my life.

    Or I could cut my losses. Put myself first for once. Heal from the toll of two years of uncertainty and stress.

    Life was exhausting. Going from carrying the weight of two people to just me – it was infinitely lighter. I can’t quantify the relief I felt; I slept like a baby those first few nights after leaving.

    There was second-guessing, of course. There always is. But after months of internal back-and-forth, I knew it was the right call. I’d done so much soul searching and so much reading, in pursuit of the answer.

    What it boils down to, is that the discussions in these three threads hit me like a ton of bricks. Realising that we might never be financially stable  together. And I simply could not live that way.

    It’s so important to have a financially responsible partner.

    It takes two. You cannot do it all yourself. And nor should you.

    Love and trying isn’t enough.

    Love is not willingness to live in a cardboard box together.

    Love is doing whatever it takes to not get to that point.

  • April 20, 2016

    Screw your false dichotomies – we don’t need ’em

    It's not always an either or - the myth of false dichotomies

    Ever heard someone spout something along these lines?

    “I’d rather be broke and healthy than rich and sick”

    “I’d rather be broke and happy than rich and alone”

    I hate that. SO MUCH. I find those kinds of sayings pretty darn disingenuous.

    Being broke doesn’t automatically preclude you from being unhealthy. Fruit and veges aren’t cheap. Healthcare and medicine cost money. Broke and sick is just as much a possibility as rich and healthy!

    Being broke doesn’t guarantee you a great relationship. Money stress is a huge strain on any couple. If anything, financial security is a good thing for the overall health of any relationship!

    Please, let’s stop pretending lack of money automatically makes you a better or happier person somehow.

    Personal finance is full of these weird black/white dichotomies.

    But it’s not always an either/or.

    Devoted, loving, domestic partner who makes no money, vs a workaholic, emotionally unavailable baller.

    Screw that. You deserve better.

    A cute apartment in the central city vs a McMansion in the suburbs.

    Or in my city and my price range: overpriced, cramped apartment vs leaky townhouse vs humble older do up house. Sure, there are modern suburban McMansions, but most of us aren’t buying those – we’re buying the small 1960s-70s do-up houses that we can actually afford.

    A job you love paying poverty wages vs a job you hate paying six figures.

    Sure. There’s a reason many jobs pay the big bucks. But not all low-paying jobs are awesome. There are also shitty jobs that pay poorly and great jobs that pay well. Highly paid jobs are typically stressful, but you know what? In many cases, so are low paying jobs. And they usually also have less flexibility and autonomy. It’s hard to love a dream job forever if it means you can’t live the life you want to live overall.

    A $1k beater vs a brand new car you’ll be paying off forever.

    I’m biased here – buying cheap cars we could afford in cash never worked out well for us. Borrowing for a car was the best car decision I’ve ever made. We’ll stick to used cars around the $10k range, thanks. Obviously, be smart about getting a car loan if you go that route.

    You don’t have to settle for one or the other. Remember that.

  • April 16, 2016

    Link love (powered by stew and strolls)

    NZ Muse link loveI think I need to accept that life just never gets easier. Yes, you become stronger and smarter but as your resilience grows, so do the hurdles. Gone are the days of high-school-sized issues and injustices. It doesn’t seem fair, but them’s the breaks.

    Women are awesome. My closest IRL friends may be male, and have been incredible supports when I needed it, but there are some things they will simply never understand. From crushes in long term relationships to emotional labour and pulling your financial weight, female friends get the gender dynamics that my dudes don’t.

    I’m very passionate about the state of the housing market and the huge effects it has on people’s lives – mostly from a quite personal angle, but also at a more macro, societal level.  A spirited conversation about this at our weekly all staff meeting about this very topic and what it all means for New Zealanders – especially in retirement – got me quite fired up and reaffirms that I’m in the right place (both at work and at home). It’s incredible how much difference it makes being free of the “emotional and financial challenges of renting”, as it was put.

    This week’s links

    A great post on household division of labour and finances when the woman earns more (because things do not always fall neatly along the lines of High Earning Busy Spouse and Low Earning But With Lots of Flexibility Spouse)

    Sherry sums up some thoughts on the circular logic of early retirement/financial independence more eloquently than I ever could have

    Sometimes, YOU’RE the rich friend

    A couple of  things about poverty

    How important is job satisfaction, really?

    Graduating beyond frugal habits 

    You’re making life harder for yourself

    What does money mean to you?

    Sometimes less is just less – minimalism within reason, guys

  • March 8, 2016

    Hopes and dreams? No thanks, I’m too old for that crap

    Sometime I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast

    Hope is a cruel thing.

    I understand that sometimes it’s needed in order to survive. When there’s nothing else at all to pull you through.

    But I’m not a fan of it at all.

    I like sure things. Certainty. Probably because there’s been a distinct drought of that good stuff lately.

    Every time I’ve allowed myself to dare to hope, those hopes are swiftly dashed.

    “How do you people live like this? Day after day, just hoping people are gonna do what you want.”

    I love this quote (by Kilgrave) from Jessica Jones. It’s stuck with me ever since.

    Not so long ago, I used to be a dreamer. Now I’m the coldest, hardest, steeliest bitch. Got no time nor use for imaginings, only what is.

    “The rest of us are just walking around, trying not to be disappointed with the way that our lives turned out.”

    This melancholy line from Skeleton Twins (highly recommended, a solid movie with standout performances from usually comic actors) had me literally frozen in place, holding my breath as it washed over me. That is not what I want for myself. That’s what I’ve been doing for the past couple of years, and that is far, far too long.

    One cannot subsist on hope alone. But finally, I’m on the very cusp of achieving something I’ve dreamed about for so long.  It’s hard to believe, and it feels so surreal.

  • February 3, 2016

    Forgiveness is a funny beast

    Snowy plants close up in field

    Recent events have brought me closer to and further from various people in my life.

    It’s gotten me thinking a lot about forgiveness.

    For as long as I can remember, I’ve known the power of words. I can barely recall a time before I could read and write.

    It’s strange, the things – actions and words alike – that I never thought I’d forgive. But looking over my shoulder, I realise that somewhere along the way, I did. It wasn’t a conscious choice.

    And conversely, there’s the words that have actually stuck with me for decades and that I don’t think I’ll ever let go of. The funny thing is, I don’t think the people in question realise what impact those throwaway comments had. That’s why I’m so careful about what I say (and write).

    Then there’s the things we say in emotional moments that are actually quite manipulative or malicious. We are all flawed, but it’s deeply disappointing  to see this in those closest to us.

    Words matter.

    While actions do speak a million louder than words, for me it’s words that actually stick in my memory, that have lasting impact, and will refer back to when the actions start to fade from memory.

    There’s a lot of things I need to start to forgive and let go of, before they eat away at me.

    Or failing that, in the words of Emily Yoffe, I must accept them and move on.

  • January 13, 2016

    The 5 things keeping me sane right now

    starry-skies-at-night-shot

    The name of the game, at least for the foreseeable future, is stress management.

    Ever heard of active relaxation? Oh, how I love a good oxymoron, but I think this is exactly what I need to be doing. I will report back.

    Other things currently saving my sanity:

    Running

    I’m so thankful to live in a nice neighbourhood with quiet streets, ringed by a coastal bush track. That first glimpse of the sea whenever I head for the trail gets me right to my happy place.

    Music

    I’ve been on a playlist making binge lately (Guilty pleasures! Rock ballads!) and I’m not even sorry. My commute is basically measured in songs, as are my runs.

    Introspection

    I’m devouring advice columns at pace. Cheryl Strayed, Mark Manson, Captain Awkward, Ask Polly. If you know of any more along those lines….

    People

    After so many months of not being able to face other humans outside of work, half the time now it feels like there’s nothing I need more than social contact. Bless the friends who know that life gets away from us sometimes, and pick up right where we left off, be it text, email, or in person. And amazing coworkers and bosses – seriously.

    Blogging

    Possibly the best thing I’ve ever done. A chronicle of the highlights, the lowlights, the spending and earning. Blogging taught me to negotiate and made me some true friends.

    Outside perspectives are so valuable when you’ve lost all sense of orientation. I know none of you can possibly know everything, and so I take them for what they’re worth, but the insights that even readers I’d never known existed until recently have offered have been amazing. I do not exaggerate when I say that comments and emails have honestly made me cry in a good way.

    How is your 2016 shaping up? What’s rocking your socks right now?

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